Never Fade Away

To paraphrase Kurt Cobain paraphrasing Neil Young, “It’s better to do a necrophilic comeback album than to fade away”—or whatever (I’m paraphrasing!). Point is, if Alice in Chains can shake off an old dead lead singer, replace him with a sound-alike whose old band was called Awareness Void of Chaos (no lie), and sell out two nights at the Paramount—then why not Nirvana? The only question is: Who could fill Cobain’s shoes (his figurative shoes, not his posthumously licensed Converse All-Stars)? The Stranger has compiled a handy chart to help make the choice easier.

	PROS	CONS	ODDS OF TAKING GIG	WOULD KURT APPROVE?
Dave Grohl	• Knows all the songs. • Nice smile.	• Works too hard. • Cares too much.	• Middling. Never met a musical project he didn’t like (hello, Probot!), but decidedly tasteful about not robbing Cobain’s grave for his own glory.	• Does the pope shit Latin? (He does!)
Courtney Love	• Already comfortable singing songs written by Cobain.	• Surviving members of Nirvana hate her guts. • Twittering at a third-grade level. • Gypsy curse.	• Poor. Too busy trying to be a better bag of cocaine and lips for her daughter.	• Probably. He always made crappy decisions where Love was concerned.
Lil Wayne	• Best Rapper Alive™. • Picks up Alice in Chains’ black-lead-singer gauntlet. • Enjoys sedatives.	• Might actually insist on playing guitar.	• Unlikely. Unless his prison sentence allows work release—for ROCKING!	• Likely. Nirvana were known to pump NWA in the van; Cobain may well have enjoyed Weezy’s syrupy freestylings.
Everett True	• Knows Nirvana better than they know themselves. • Invented Grunge™. • The "Fifth Beatle."	• The Legend—not funny. • British.	• Not good. As an Australian resident, would have to compete with Silverchair, who’ve wanted the job since before the body was cold.	• Yes! Cobain was in fact so fond of the journalist that he famously got an Everett True tattoo on his arm.
Susan Boyle	• Capable at covering popular rock and/or roll songs. • Shares Cobain’s blue-collar roots.	• Penchant for piano balladry could make "Territorial Pissings" sound like "November Rain." • Giant face. • Solo success has already kind of broken her brain.	• Poor. With an album of covers already charting, why limit herself to one band’s repertoire?	• No. Real musicians get record deals by drunkenly accosting Bruce Pavitt, not by going on Star Search.
Axl Rose	• Um… not dead? That’s about it. • Has experience reanimating a 17-years-dormant band.	• Has live snakes for hair, like Medusa. • Unresolved issues with "immigrants and faggots." • Buckethead.	• Bad. While not exactly exhausting himself touring for "Guns N’ Roses," would probably prefer to stay in his bunker working on 100-tracked guitar jerk-offs.	• Does the pope believe in "the Holocaust"? (No.)
Frances Bean Cobain	• Looks just like him!	• Repulsively exploitative.	• Middling. Could be a dynamite way to rebel against batshit crazy mom, but seems more like the "get into a good school, marry someone normal, and never speak to my mother again" kind of rebel.	• It’s a little late for parental advice now, isn’t it?
Guitar Hero 5 Kurt Cobain Avatar	• Looks just like him!	• Once unlocked, as liable to sing Bon Jovi songs as Nirvana originals.	• Very good! Unlike the fussy old Cobain, this little guy is completely controllable at the push of a button. Plus, he only costs $60 retail.	• As controller of Cobain’s estate, Love has stated: "the goddammed Lunchbox was it for me i get crucified over Converse shoes i didnt approve and stood it, then spy a lunchbox and nowGHERO?NO!!" So, um, no?
Layne Staley	• Still dead :(