Dear Fascist Dictator America,

I have an idea: Why don't you spring forward... ONTO MY BALLS?

I never agreed to your STUPID scheme to trick the workforce into being more productive, just like I never asked to be born. But unlike my STUPID parents, this is some bullshit I can actually do something about. And so here it is: I simply refuse to "spring forward." I will not subscribe to your daylight saving time LIE. Not in my name. Here I stand, I can do no other. I will fight no more forever. Je ne regrette rien.

You want to meet for coffee this afternoon at 2? Great. I won't be there for another hour, GETTING SHIT DONE. No need to apologize. It's exactly the kind of behavior I've come to expect from CLONES. (And anyway, I was able to catch up on my reading list, so who's laughing now?) I'll still go to bed at old midnight and get to work at old 9 a.m. If you have a problem with that plan, it's going to be exactly that: Your Problem. We can talk about it again in November, when you miraculously see things my way again. Hypocrites.

So go ahead, sheep. Do as you're told. Get in line. Spring forward. Meanwhile, I'll be back here, enjoying the time you sold cheap because capitalism said you had to. Maybe I'll stretch out in my hammock and take the nap you wish you had the courage to take. Ahhhhhh, that's nice. Sweet dreams to awesome me.

You want my extra hour of sleep? You can have it... when you pry it from my COLD DEAD FINGERS.