Dear Rev. Buddy: Do you have any New Year’s resolutions? Happy holidays, Dan Kemper

New Year’s resolutions are vanity. We can resolve nothing without the Lord, and if He wants me to lose weight, kill my television, or stop firebombing Taco Bells (they call that a dollar menu?!), He’ll let me know.

But I do have some regrets. I regret that so many cities are banning smoking—a spiritually harmless pleasure—while allowing wayward fools to pour gallons of Demon Rum into their gullets. I regret that so many “fundamentalists” are Satanists who do not believe they were made in God’s image, but want to remake Him in their image as a football-loving, abortion-opposing, slavery-outlawing, money-loving whore. They’ll get theirs in the unquenchable fire.

I regret giving bad advice—I encouraged a college student to turn in a plagiarized essay instead of reading Twelfth Night, which is a Beelzebub Book. I should have encouraged him to stand up for the Lord of Hosts and organize a public book burning. Sorry about that.

I regret that more Jews like you (“happy holidays,”

Dan?) have not taken Christ into their bowels. Until that day, you will live under God’s ancient curse in Malachi 2:3: “Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces.”

Merry Christmas!