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Oh My God! Somebody Likes Us!

AFTER NEARLY 10 years of publishing, we here at The Stranger have grown accustomed to--even quite fond of--being mercilessly barraged with scorn and hatred, especially from our peers. So imagine our surprise this week when lefty magazine Utne Reader (they're still publishing--who knew?!) handed The Stranger one of their 2000 Alternative Press Awards! Why, you could've knocked us over with a feather! Our entire staff had to rush out, get tanked, and suck off a hobo just to keep our low self-esteem in balance!

"So who gives a poop about what Utne Reader thinks?" you ask. We dunno. What we do know, however, is the fascinating list of folks who DIDN'T win the Utne prize for Best Local/Regional Coverage, which includes the Village Voice, L.A. Weekly, and the Seattle "Gift Guides 'R' Us" Weekly! Losing always sucks, but we can only imagine how bad it feels to lose to a piece-of-shit rag like The Stranger! Har, har!

So, thanks, Utne! (And to all you letter-writing, "Meat issue"-hating, still-furious vegetarians: Apparently SOME lefties have a sense of humor!)

Previously in New Column!

(to be sung to the tune of "Blame Canada!"
from South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut)
New lyrics by Tom Orr

Y2K!
The history books will note,
this was the year Americans lost the power of the vote!
Should we blame the government?
Or blame society?
Or should we blame the newspapers and TV?

No!
Blame Florida! Blame Florida!
With their "dimples" and "hanging chad"
and their machines that couldn't add.
Blame Florida! Blame Florida!
They make my stomach somersault.
It's Florida's fault!

Don't blame Bush!
Or how he talks.
Who cares if he is not the sharpest pencil in the box?
And please don't blame Al Gore!
He's innocent as can be,
if you ignore that he couldn't even win Tennessee!

No!
Blame Florida! Blame Florida!
A spider never spun a web
like that clever Governor Jeb.
Blame Florida! Blame Florida!
And all those pesky absentees
from overseas!

No one could've guessed that,
after five weeks of delays,
we'd end up with a leader
who hates women, Jews, and gays.
Should we blame the lawyers?
Should we blame the press?
Or the Christian Right that got us all in this mess?

Heck no!
Blame Florida! Blame Florida!
With all their votes in a Ryder truck,
and Ralph Nader, what a schmuck!
Blame Florida! Shame on Florida!
We will start a boycott:
No juice or grapefruit!
No Epcot and no Disney World to boot!
We'll bomb the state! We'll start a war!
Before it happens again in 2004!