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Here's a riddle: Why did Jesus die on the cross? He forgot his safeword! That's an old joke in the BDSM community, but I left the theater after watching Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ feeling like I'd forgotten mine, too. At least half the reviews I've read about this movie used words like "sadomasochistic," "S&M," and "fetishistic violence." It's nice that my community has given movie reviewers some new vocabulary, but, as a bona fide sadomasochist, my verdict is that this movie is not kink-friendly.

Why doesn't the film work as an SM scene? For one thing, there's no warm-up. We meet Jesus, there's a tiny bit of mind-fuck action with the Devil, and boom, the High Priest's goons jump right into heavy bondage and suspension. So that's all wrong. Jesus then gets dragged around to different tops, but neither Pilate nor Herod want to play with him, and I don't blame them, because Jesus is already smeared with blood and pretty unresponsive. Sloppy seconds, you know? But then we get to Mel's real blood-fetish come-shot, the flogging scene.

Now, calling it the flogging scene is somewhat misleading, because I saw various bad guys snapping whips throughout the entire film. However, Mel indulges himself in more than 10 long minutes of nothing but Jesus having the crap kicked out of him by some Roman soldiers. (I'm really afraid to even think of how long it's going to be in the director's cut.) The use of canes in this scene surprised me; I went to Catholic school for 12 years, and they never told us Jesus got caned. I don't know how they missed it, since the nuns took such delight in detailing all the other terrible things that Jesus endured, just for the sake of our unworthy little souls. However, I do know that the rattan-like canes they used in the movie are anachronistic; the Romans caned people with something called lignae, which is apparently the knobby root of a bush. Mel also got carried away with the sound effects here--thin rattan canes do not make such a loud thud when they land on flesh. But the body makeup used in this scene is excellent, because the marks did look very much like what you get with caning.

Then comes the flogging--or to be more Biblically accurate, the scourging. Jim Caviezel, the actor who plays Jesus, has been quoted as saying, "I experienced the whip." I believe he may have taken a few whacks in honor of Lee Strasberg, but I'm quite sure the Screen Actors Guild has some kind of rule about not exsanguinating its actors, and this scene is all about bloodletting. Jesus' shredded flesh and blood, rather than Jesus himself, is the star; dripping in slow motion, puddling on the ground, spattering the faces of the leering Roman soldiers--Gibson can't get enough of it. This isn't like watching a BDSM scene, it's like watching Jerusalem Chainsaw Massacre. I like blood, and even I sat there thinking, Eeuuww, gross.

Then there is how Mel has his Roman soldiers acting. They're jumping around and giggling like preschoolers at a birthday party as they beat up Jesus, acting like this is the biggest treat they've ever had. Now, I can accept that the soldiers who volunteered for flogging duty might have done so because they were inherently sadistic. It was a brutal age, and violent punishments were common; there was plenty of scope for nonconsensual sadism. But I'd have been more inclined to believe in a casual "Yeah, yeah, time to make the doughnuts" attitude from the soldiers instead of how Mel portrays them, simply because flogging a poor soul, even if that poor soul was Jesus, would be nothing unusual for them.

In the end, The Passion of the Christ doesn't work as a BDSM scene because it's not about connection. I didn't feel connected with Mel's Jesus, mainly because he spends most of the movie looking less like a man and more like a bloody rag doll with rolled-up eyes. Like many novice kinksters, Mel hasn't yet learned that the success or failure of a scene doesn't rest on how many strokes of the whip you give someone, but how everybody feels when it's finished. MISTRESS MATISSE

Latter Days

dir. C. Jay Cox

Opens Fri March 12.
As the battle for gay rights rages, in these pages and elsewhere, it's refreshing to know that gays and straights alike are still free to be condescended to and intellectually assailed by unrelenting garbage like Latter Days. With a concept that combines Trey Parker's Orgazmo (minus the laughs) and every last cloying queer independent film of the '90s (from Kiss Me, Guido to Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss and everything in between), Latter Days tells the story of a shallow L.A. fag and the Mormon missionary who enters his life (and more!) to teach him the value not only of spiritual depth, but of patience. The first half of the film is spent waiting for the inevitable moment when the obviously gay Mormon will allow the party boy into the kingdom of his underpants. The rest consists of wondering how and why you could ever possibly be expected to care about the travails and transformations of the two main characters. As actors, they're appealing enough, and there's no denying their physical aptitude. Unfortunately first-time writer/director C. Jay Cox (who also wrote the Reese Witherspoon abortion Sweet Home Alabama--who would've guessed he was gay?) relies on the same dramatic devices employed by every hetero soft-core movie I've ever seen (and I've seen a few), leaving the fetching boys stranded in a quagmire of equal parts Will & Grace and Squeeze Play.

After an hour or so, Latter Days takes a turn for the melodramatic, and toward the very end, there are two scenes that pay off the bathos, thanks mainly to the cameo acting of Mary Kay Place (as an intolerant Mormon mom) and Jacqueline Bisset (as a right-on restaurateur). Too little, however, and far too late, as the preceding 90 minutes are founded on screenwriting cliché (after a failed laundry-room seduction, the mixing of "colors and whites" becomes a central metaphor), drab DV camera work, and amateurish sound. SEAN NELSON

From the Soapbox

dir. Ken Slusher

Available at Scarecrow Video.
Ken Slusher's From the Soapbox clocks in at a lean 16 minutes and 19 seconds. It has but one topic: the legalization of marijuana. It is a small, well- argued piece of work--a perfect little video to show people who may be uninformed and/or misinformed about pot.

Compiled at the 2003 Seattle Hempfest, From the Soapbox was built upon a wonderfully simple idea: Set up a private space where people--pot smokers and non-smoking pot supporters--can "come out of the closet" about their desire for marijuana legalization. Each contributor was given up to three minutes to tell his or her side, and the end result is a steady stream of all types laying out for us, in plain, reasoned English, just why the kind weed should be decriminalized.

What sorts of people offer testimony? They run the gamut, from Shelly, who is against prison for nonviolent crime, to Annette, who has found that pot has enhanced her life. There is Garth, who grows medical marijuana, and Darla, who suffers from epilepsy and finds pot helps curb her seizures. Orlando is a computer technician at a bank, and Troy is a bipolar Gulf War veteran--both partake of the smoke. Dave suffers from chronic headaches, Jessica suffers from lupus, and Katy is a diabetic. All three smoke, and their descriptions of their improved lives help drive From the Soapbox's point home. That point: The decriminalization of pot is not just about a bunch of addled hippies, but is also about compassion.

It is about freedom as well, for, as one testifier, an older gentleman named Mark, puts it, "I don't smoke pot, I'm not going to smoke pot, but the laws are ridiculous." This, in the end, is the thick of the matter: The criminalization of a plant that, studies have shown, has less damaging effects than both alcohol and tobacco, is a rather unseemly and feeble-headed blight for our nation to carry. In other words: Any dolt can kill brain cells with booze, but a person suffering from cancer, or someone who just wants to smoke out and giggle at South Park, is breaking the law. Does this make any sense? Of course not--this we should all agree upon. Laws must make sense. The criminalization of pot does not.

From the Soapbox was produced by the Cannabis Consumers Campaign (www.cannabisconsumers.org). This video, all 16 minutes and 19 seconds of it, is a great tool for their cause. You may already be in agreement with what From the Soapbox has to say, but have you fully come out of the closet about your feelings on marijuana? Do you know someone who is ignorant on the matter? If so, do two things: Go to the Cannabis Consumers Campaign and come out on their website, then rent From the Soapbox and spread the word. One day, perhaps enough people will make their voices heard on the matter. BRADLEY STEINBACHER