September 9, 2008

Film

On Screen

The Women

by DIANE KEATON

What's up, bitches? Diane Keaton here. I just got back from seeing The Women and, um, I couldn't help but notice something: I AM NOT IN THIS MOVIE. Where the fuck am I? I am the queen bee of this shit. The hive mother. Annette Bening wishes she could smile through her tears like Diane Keaton! You know the Meg Ryan character? The one who spent her whole life trying to be everything to everybody but somehow somebody is always disappointed? That's like if my entire oeuvre mated with itself and gave birth to a mega-me. I'm sure you remember when Meg Ryan says, "Wouldn't it be great if when you were born, they gave you a rule book?" I am, like, ALWAYS saying that! I should have mailed that shit to myself. Then there's the Jada Pinkett Smith lesbian ("If we're lost, we both ask for directions"). I could SO play that character. I invented lesbians. Look it up. And the little girl who makes a tiny bonfire of tampons because she's just not ready to become a woman? Did you even THINK of casting Diane Keaton in that role? No? Big. Fucking. Mistake. I can play young. Hey, Hollywood. Write this down. Next time you make a two-hour vaginal suppository that hasn't met a feminine cliché it didn't dip in chocolate and shove down America's gullet (smoking, shopping, cheating, faked orgasms, diets, supermodels, bubble baths, hunger, water breaking, Botox), maybe you should do your job and fucking call Diane Keaton. Bitches.recommended

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Comments (17) RSS

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1
Calm down, Diane. Meg's a walking Photoshop joke. At least you still look like 1987. Now go trump this soot.
Posted by Mr. Poe on September 10, 2008 at 3:58 PM · Report
2
I want to have your children. I almost peed myself laughing.
Posted by sfmike64 on September 10, 2008 at 9:43 PM · Report
3
Best. Review. Ever!
Posted by kirk wilson on September 11, 2008 at 8:13 AM · Report
4
Adrian, how many times do I have to tell you, You are not Diane Keaton! Hugs.
Posted by Sammy on September 11, 2008 at 10:48 AM · Report
5
Because if you were in this movie instead of Meg Ryan would have written this same review, if she weren't too busy to type between Botox injections and failed relationships.
Posted by Spinner on September 11, 2008 at 11:08 AM · Report
6
I absolutely LOVE Diane Keaton!!!
Posted by seattle mike on September 11, 2008 at 4:44 PM · Report
7
One word, two syllables,BIT-CHES
Posted by HEATHER SUE on September 11, 2008 at 10:40 PM · Report
8
So, its like, you know, this thing? I mean I went to my therapist and he said it is like my mother, only she was a really emasculating bitch diguised as a drag king Lesbian who couldn't walk past a thrift shop without trying on Dacron buitton down shirts from Gimbels.

You are that which nature abhors, a frozen asset.
Posted by Insideguy on September 11, 2008 at 11:02 PM · Report
9
Dear Diane Keaton,

Plz. review all movies from here on out.

Kthxbai!!
Posted by chriso on September 12, 2008 at 11:47 AM · Report
10
Diane you are hilarious! I am going to go see if you have a blog or something. If you don't have one, you need one.
Posted by Andrea Winchester on September 12, 2008 at 8:57 PM · Report
11
wow, the stranger making fun of something? that's new.

you're a tool, and the stranger is a home depot.

Posted by i fucking hate you assholes on September 13, 2008 at 5:10 PM · Report
12
Hysterical!
Posted by Jeremy on September 14, 2008 at 6:14 AM · Report
13
Diane Keaton, you will always be my vaginal goddess!! Now get in there a produce/star/write a film that shows those bitches where it is at!! And call me in to help you write it! I've got a whole oevre to draw from to. Let's show em!

Leesa Tee
PS You are a rock star, D. K.!
Posted by leesa tee on September 14, 2008 at 12:40 PM · Report
14
Sweetie, you should have played ALL the parts.
Posted by ms. c on September 15, 2008 at 10:53 AM · Report
15
You were pretty cool in Interiors.
Posted by hommenivore on September 16, 2008 at 12:01 PM · Report
16
Funny, I would think that Ms. Keaton would be smart enough to know that an updating of The Women is a movie from which one should keep far, far away.

Now if they were offering her the role of Mr. Morehouse (Mary Haines's mother) in a version set in the 1930s (when the plot still made sense), I'm sure she would have handled it with skill and style.

I'd love to hear Keaton deliver the line, "I've been to Olga too. Jungle Red."
Posted by John D on September 17, 2008 at 9:41 AM · Report
17
wait, is this really diane keaton? if so, well done.

www.tommyomalley.com
Posted by tommy o'malley on October 7, 2008 at 1:48 PM · Report

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