Someone named Todd is having a birthday, so he's rented out a downtown bar to celebrate. The jukebox is playing only Todd-and-guest-approved hits—the songlist is written out on a big "Todd-board" pasted onto a wall—and partiers are fiddling with something called an "Xbox 360," which is connected to a giant television behind the bar. The place is packed with people but my provenance is house parties, so I have to leave the swank affair and head up the hill, where a rager is underway.

People in the living room are listening to an unplugged set by self-proclaimed "spaz rockers" the Limbs. If you're wondering what "spaz rock" entails, here's as best as I can explain: One song's chorus consists of the male lead singer repeatedly issuing a girlish yelp. The set is very loose, but a lot of fun, and the rest of the party is, as the grandparents used to say, "tighter than the skin on a wiener."

The hosts have devised a beer bong that starts on the second floor with a sink full of beer. That sink is connected to a hose that's wired through the house and the beer comes out in a double-headed spigot in the basement—it's a two-story competitive beer bong that leaves some people with no choice but to vomit immediately—luckily there's a huge trough set directly under the bong. It's a spectacular party, unfortunately marred by a dirty thief. If anyone has tips regarding who stole items from the house where the big-hearted hosts were giving away free, delicious homebrewed beer, please send an e-mail to partycrasher@the-stranger.com.

Want The Stranger to admire the beer-bong rules—"1. Drink too much. 2. Drink till it comes out your nose..."—at your house party? E-mail the date, place, time, and party details to partycrasher@thestranger.com.