The e-mail invitation expressly states "no violence, drugs, or alcohol." I've never attended a straight-edge party before, and, quite frankly, the idea makes me a little nervous: What do people do at parties if they can't drink, huff a little metallic paint, and get into razor fights? Would it be possible to have a good time? My Plus One and I walk into the party, completely unsure of what we'll find.

Through a cloud of pungent smoke, we find the host drinking a can of Bud Ice—clearly not his first—that's keeping cool in a PBR beer cozy. He's staggering around to Van Halen's "Jump." I ask the host about the no drinking/no drugs deal—wasn't the party supposed to be straight edge? "Well, it's more a state of mind," he mumbles, and looks around nervously. "We're straight edge, I mean, er, our attitude is straight edge, in our minds." I don't even know why I was nervous. This straight-edge thing is great—once you get a Bud Ice in you, you entirely forget that you're abstaining from alcohol.

Everyone gathers to watch Johnnie Heinz play the ukulele and sing, and it's an amazing, unforgettable experience—30 or 40 people squeezed into a kitchen to listen to one guy making a lot of noise with a miniature guitar, singing about unrequited love and awkward mistakes. By the time Heinz does a cover of Jawbreaker's "Kiss the Bottle," people in the audience are shouting "Where's the merch table?" Seriously: It's a guy with a ukulele, but I'd totally buy a CD and a T-shirt.

Want The Stranger to overhear your complaints about that "piss-crusted" ex-boyfriend at your house party? E-mail the date, place, time, and party details to partycrasher@thestranger.com