I don't have a prejudice against Bellevue; it's a legitimately earned bias. Those who grew up there and defected find it hard to want to go back. But the invitation to Markus's 40th birthday bash had several tempting elements—firstly, he just authored a book on how to throw the Best Party Ever, so theoretically he should know what he's doing. Secondly, he promises that if I cover his party in my column, he will quote me on the back of his book. To Bellevue!

It would seem that the first step in throwing the "Best Party Ever" would be to have a lot of money, and to be unafraid of spending it. A huge house, a flood of nice booze, catered food, a pinball machine, a hardwood dance floor with disco-lighting rig and smoke machine, a hot tub—though not essential to throwing a great party, these elements do pretty much guarantee that good things are going to happen. Mark promises the night will get naughty in the wee hours; he promises naked people. After the dance floor has been properly hit and the bar has been merely dented, clothes start coming off. Mark was not exaggerating—he throws a mean party. If following his advice leads to a liquored-up dance party and a hot tub full of naked people, you would be foolish not to take heed.

Congratulations, Bellevue. Parts of you are still fighting for life. JEFF KIRBY

Want to explain to The Stranger that "if this were a real swinger party, people would be doing it doggy-style outside of the hot tub" at your next rager? E-mail the date, place, time, and party details to partycrasher@thestranger.com.