Previously in New Column!

Over the years, many readers have pointed out the two things lacking from our otherwise flawless paper: international news and poetry. This week, we aim to fill those voids with the introduction of a brand-new column:

This week's topic:

The 25th Anniversary of the Fall of Saigon!

North beat South, we fled

Tails between legs, like wusses.

And then came disco.

When Dan Savage was indicted on charges of voter fraud in Iowa last week, we here at The Stranger were very surprised. Not that Dan was charged with a felony, mind you, but that it took this long, and stemmed from such a boring crime. Over the years, America's favorite faggot has committed countless misdeeds far more heinous than allegedly fibbing on a caucus registration form. Here are some of Dan's more vociferous victims, along with suggested punishments to fit the crimes.

"When Dan Savage was a waiter at Cafe Septieme, he was very impertinent, and served me several lukewarm omelets."
-- Lars Mullen, investment banker
Suggested Sentence: 500 hours community service

"With his hateful, heartless writing, Dan Savage set the Gay movement back 450 years. Plus, he stabbed my mother."
-- Tom Flint, former editor, Seattle Gay News
Suggested Sentence: Mandatory grand-marshaling of Seattle's gay pride parade for the next 50 years

"With his theater company Greek Active, Dan Savage repeatedly directed me to wear women's clothing and act like Daffy Duck."
-- Charles Smith, classically trained actor
Suggested Sentence: 14 years on a chain gang

"Dan Savage always spells the word 'cunnilingus' wrong. Always."
-- Melody Moss, Stranger copy editor
Suggested Sentence: Death by lethal injection

To the worthless, cowardly, piece-of-shit cop who pepper-sprayed the two women as they sat in their car on Capitol Hill on or around December 1, 1999, and to the other spineless, piece-of-shit cop who kicked that skinny kid in the crotch and shot him point-blank with a rubber bullet as he backed away from you with his hands in the air: I hereby challenge you both to a fight. One-on-one, man-to-man, no badge, no gun, no tactical baton, no pepper spray. No biting or eye-gouging -- submission or knockout ends the fight. You name the time; you name the place -- I'll be there. Let's find out how brave you are without all your protective gear, body armor, weapons, and gas mask that hides your identity like the worthless common criminal you truly are. Think about it, you coward -- you were covered head-to-toe in protective gear and armed to the fucking teeth, but you still had to use pepper spray on unarmed women and a shotbag gun on a retreating 130-pound wuss. Accepting this challenge is the only way you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror ever again without knowing that you're nothing but a power-tripping, gutless piece of shit hiding behind a badge. Take the challenge, you fucking worthless cowards. If you have the balls to take me up on this -- which I highly doubt, since you're a worthless, gutless coward -- you may contact me through The Stranger.

Dear SPD: We received Mr. Menard's challenge as a letter to the editor. We contacted him, and he seems quite serious about this. Should you wish to accept his challenge, The Stranger will provide a venue, a referee, and an attending physician. No other persons will be allowed on the premises. As an added incentive, The Stranger will donate $1,000 to the charity of the winner's choice. Call 323-7101 ext. 3014 to schedule.