Verfallen/University District/Tues May 7/ 1:15 pm: A man was standing on a sidewalk when he heard a loud thump in an alley next to a frat house. He went into the dark alley to investigate and found on the cracked concrete a young man suffering from head injuries. Above the injured man was the second-story balcony from which he had fallen. Five minutes before the fall, the injured man had been talking to a lady friend. After their conversation, he escorted her to the front door of the fraternity and bid her farewell. He then walked up to the balcony by himself for some unreported reason--to smoke a cigarette? To take in the post-midnight air? To watch the stars? No one witnessed the sudden fall that brought his life to an end.

The Chicken Foot Curse/Capitol Hill/Thurs May 9/8:30 am: An employee of a Capitol Hill appliance store came to work this morning and found a chicken foot wrapped in colored cloth hanging on his front door handle. "The foot looked like it was presented in a 'voo-doo' manner," reports Officer Bogucki, who investigated the spooky incident--and unlike most composers of cop reports, writes in the third person. "Officer Bogucki recovered the foot and placed into evidence." "Officer Bogucki then spoke with [suspect], one of the store's neighbors who is in an ongoing [and undisclosed] dispute with the appliance store. She was shown the foot and said did not know where it came from.... Officer Bogucki placed the chicken foot into SPD evidence."

Suspect on the Roof/Central District/Thurs May 16/5:20 am: I will offer no explanation for this report, which was composed by Officer Anderson, but simply thrust you into the vital center of it: "...I observed a white male on top of the building throwing objects around. I yelled to [suspect] to get his attention. He looked into my direction and started mumbling. He continued to throw objects around the roof. I asked [him] to come down from the roof. He began yelling profanities. I formed the opinion that [suspect] might be under the influence of drugs. I requested backup units because of his instability. While waiting for backup units, I observed [suspect] crouching near a satellite dish on the center of the roof. He appeared to be working on something at or near the satellite dish. The backup units arrived...."

Staircase to Hell/Wallingford/Mon May 20/5:20 pm: Today, a trucker was pushed down a flight of stairs by another trucker, who also happens to be the victim's spouse. The married truckers have been together for four years, reside together, and are both long-haul drivers for a trucking company. Though the victim had visible contusions on the right eye, nose, and shoulder, the injured trucker refused medical aid. The report does not explain why the trucker was pushed down the stairs by the other trucker.