Voodoo Beats/Capitol Hill/Sat Sept 7/12:32 pm: When Officer Kizzier arrived on Broadway, several citizens pointed to a woman with a Mohawk and a dragon tattoo on her right shoulder. "The subject," writes Officer Kizzier, "was covered in dirt and gravel and was dancing to an unheard beat. When she saw me, she said, 'You've got to help me! I have a pacemaker in my heart, and it has a bomb in it.' She said she had to keep moving no slower than a 'voodoo beat' or else the bomb would explode.... She was tired but afraid to stop dancing." Officer Kizzier called an ambulance; the ambulance arrived and transported the woman to Harborview. The report does not say if the woman stopped dancing while in the ambulance.

Hero/Capitol Hill/Wed Sept 11/11 pm: A hospitalized man with a name like a superhero alias--a la Peter Parker--reported this crime, as related by Officer B. Radford: "He was walking his dog when he witnessed an assault in progress. A woman was being assaulted by a man.... He went to intervene/assist the female. He confronted the suspect and they began to argue. The next thing he knew, he was struck on the back of the head by a large wooden advertisement easel by a second suspect.... [Mr. "Parker"] looked directly at the suspect and began to walk away. He stated he walked home in a daze."

Britney Fucker/Capitol Hill/Thurs Sept 19/4:12 pm: Officer Kizzier was patrolling Broadway when she/he observed a white female with multiple facial piercings and a dog in her arms arguing with a black female. Officer Kizzier stopped to investigate. The black female explained that earlier she had tied her dog to a post and entered Hollywood Video to rent a movie. But when she returned outside, her dog was gone. After walking up and down the street several times, she spotted the female with facial piercings in possession of her pet--whose name is "Britney" (as in Britney Spears, one gathers).

The female with facial piercings contradicted the black female's story, stating that she was in fact the owner of the dog. The dog's name, she further stated, was not "Britney" but "Fucker." To solve the matter, Officer Kizzier performed a test: She/he had the dog in question called by the two names, and it "responded to calls of, 'Hey Britney,' but did not respond to calls of, 'Hey Fucker.'" In the face of this truth, the female with the facial piercings confessed that she did not own the dog and had found it tied up by the video store. "I returned the dog to the [black female]," concludes Officer Kizzier, "and the dog immediately put its paws on her."

Holy Smoke/Rainier Valley/Sun Sept 22/4:02 pm: This report takes place in a church called Powerhouse Church of God, and is written by Officer B. Guenther. "The victim stated she was in the service when she felt a burning sensation on her neck and found the end of her hairpiece had been singed. She doesn't know who did it, but believes it was done while she was singing with the choir." I'm almost certain that the perpetrator of this crime is not of this world.