New York Terror/Downtown/Wed Sept 18/11:20 pm: When a New Yorker arrived at a downtown Seattle hotel to register, he was informed by the manager that they could not honor his reservation due to unforeseen circumstances. The hotel, however, had made arrangements with a nearby hotel of "equivalent quality" to accommodate him. The New Yorker did not appreciate these circumstances, and in a burst of rage that alarmed the manager, he yelled, "I'm going to bomb this fucking building." In our uneasy times--when weapons-grade uranium is transported in the back seats of taxi cabs, and the Internet is used to organize acts of mass terror--such a threat is not taken lightly. After the New Yorker climbed into a cab and departed to the substitute hotel, the manager called the police to report the threat. But by the time the SPD got around to dealing with the suspect (which was late the next day), he had left Seattle and was high in the sky, heading back east to New York, New York, "the big city of dreams."

Heavy Arabic/West Seattle/Thurs Sept 26/11:40 pm: Tonight, a West Seattle woman received a call from a man with a heavy Arabic accent who asked for her address so that he could come over to her place to "do what is natural." The woman hung up and called the police. After receiving the suspect's number, which was recorded on the woman's caller ID, the reporting officer was informed by the victim that her cats had been missing for two weeks. She believed a connection existed between the missing cats and the Arab pervert.

For the Sake of the Unborn/Downtown/ Thurs Sept 26/11:38 pm: Officer Daylong reports: "The victim is eight months pregnant, and she was struck in the abdominal area by the fist and foot of an unknown man she met earlier. The suspect left the scene, the Greyhound Bus depot, moments before the police arrived. The victim refused to be transported to the hospital, after being advised by the Seattle Fire personnel that she should for the sake of the unborn child."

Tiny Fears/Downtown/Fri Sept 27/8:40 pm: After parking his brand-new BMW under the Alaskan Way Viaduct at Spring Street, a man walked to a nearby deli-mart to purchase a bottle of refreshing water. While returning to his car, a group of men in baggy clothes stepped in front of him and asked for change. He said no. The men surrounded him. He then felt a sudden pain in his lower back, but disregarded it as a muscle spasm. Somehow, he managed to break out of their pernicious circle and reentered the secured order of his dependable German automobile. Later that night, he felt a tiny, irritating sensation on his lower back and asked his wife to check it out. She located a small "needle hole" in the area that bothered him. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all he needed to think of the worst; he was now exposed, by that tiny hole, to the total terror of what we are all speeding to: The End.