Mushroom Party/University District/Wed Oct 9/5:30 pm: Officer G. A. Bernal writes: "A [Snohomish man] attended an event at the Jackstraw Productions Studios yesterday evening. The [Snohomish man] stated that sometime between 5:30 pm and 9 pm, an unknown person placed mushrooms on the buffet, which were later consumed by himself and others. [Snohomish man] stated that soon after consuming these mushrooms he and others began experiencing hallucinations. The [Snohomish man] stated that he and others had [their hallucinations] treated at University Hospital. The [Snohomish man] stated he has since been informed there were witnesses who may have seen the person who placed the [funny] mushrooms on the buffet. I provided him with a case number."

The D, to the O, to the Motherfucking G/Greenwood/Wed Oct 9/9:23 pm: Tonight, the manager of an Indian restaurant walked into the North Precinct and reported this hate crime to the reporting officer, Officer Zylak: A man calls the restaurant and asks for Snoop Doggy Dogg. The caller is informed that there is no one in the restaurant by that name. The caller then starts hurling ethnic slurs at the manager. This miserable routine has been going on since September 29.

The officer on duty asked the manager (who is East Indian) if there was anyone who might hold a grudge against him. The manager believed the only person who really hated him at the moment was his former girlfriend (who is white and recently filed a harassment charge against him). Yes, she hated him, but not enough to hire a racist to methodically harass and humiliate him. Officer Zylak gave the manager a case number, and advised Sgt. Pendergrass of the incident.

Recipe for Crime/TV Land/Thurs Oct 10/2:30 pm: Today, the producer of a cooking show on KCTS called the police to report a "Suspicious Circumstance." Officer D. Scott responded to the producer's call. "About six months ago," explained the concerned producer, "[an East Side chef] was a guest on one of the station's cooking shows. Since then [the chef] has e-mailed [the host of the cooking show] things such as recipes and general comments about movies and shows. These e-mails came once every two weeks.

"However, on [October 9, the chef] sent e-mails that were 'a bit strange.' Each of the e-mails had numerous topics. [The chef] just couldn't stick to one subject. The content of the first three e-mails, although strange, did not cause much concern. But the last two e-mails, which were titled 'Warning' and 'Yes time has come to bludgeon me' respectively, did cause concern. The final e-mail ['bludgeon me'] mentions things like, 'Keep in Mind I'm TOTALLY detached...' and 'it was played in me within my conscience during my first (what humans call) psychotic episode....'" The producer handed Officer D. Scott copies of the e-mail and Officer D. Scott provided the producer with a case number.

If you are looking for one truth in this messy world, for one thing that is incontestable, it is this: The East Side chef will not be invited to appear on the cooking show again.