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Police Beat

by Charles Mudede

I Am What I Am/Downtown/Mon Jan 27/11:37 pm: Reports written by undercover cops often open with a mini-resumé that describes the officer's experience and expertise. Though the exact purpose of these mini-resumés is unknown to me, in tone and manner they seem to address a skeptical reader, one who doubts the source of and grounds for the officer's authority.

Here is an excellent example of such a report. It's authored by Officer Garrett, whose undercover operation took place on Fourth Avenue and Pine Street. He writes: "I am a police officer with 13 years of patrol experience. I have been assigned as a pro-active bicycle officer for 10 years, primarily patrolling areas of the city known for heavy narcotics activity. I have taken part in over 1,000 buy/bust operations, with assignments as an arrest team, observer, and undercover buyer. I have made over 900 on-view narcotics arrests and am very familiar with the dynamics of a street level narcotics transition. I attended the two week Basic/Advance Undercover School put on by SPD in March 2002. I also attended the two week Anti-Crime Team training in April 2002. Prior to employment by SPD, I was assigned as a narcotics dog handler with the U.S. Army stationed in the Republic of Panama from January 1987 to February 1990. My duties there included person, residence, and vehicular searches as well as keeping my dog proficient in the detection of controlled substances by using training aids on a daily basis."

Experienced Officer Garrett then begins his narrative by establishing his mode of surveillance ("I was utilizing security cameras of the immediate area to aid my observation"); this is followed by the identification of the criminal ("He was loitering just north of Starbucks, continually looking up and down the street"); and ends with the orgasm of all police work: arresting and handcuffing the designated criminal ("She followed him into the store and immediately, they both came out. Arresting officers were called to place the suspect into custody."). Ah, the infinite pleasures of policing.

The Faxed Report/My Office/Wed Feb 5/3:18 pm: While I was composing the previous report, a new intern, Kyle Wendt, walked into my office and placed this fax on my desk: "For Immediate Release. Seattle Police Department Requests Public Assistance. On February 2, 2003 at approximately 1:20 am, a 52-year-old white male was found in an alley just west of the 300 block of First Avenue S. by a night watchman. Initially it appeared that the man had been severely beaten. However, further investigation revealed that the man had actually been run over by a vehicle. Anyone with information regarding this incident is strongly encouraged to call the Seattle Police Department at (206) 684-8923." I have no idea why the new intern decided to place this fax on my desk. I usually don't read the SPD's press releases.

Attention former and current police officers of Seattle: Have you been in love with someone who didn't love you? Has your heart been broken while on duty? Tell me all about it:

charles@thestranger.com.