Critical Theory/University District/Fri Jan 31/11:30 am: Sometime last night, an unknown suspect(s) entered the common bathroom of a 17th Avenue apartment building in the University District and wrote, in soap, "THA WAY OF THA FLESH" on the bathroom mirror. The suspect(s), or literary suspect(s)--as she/he/they had clearly referenced Samuel Butler's scandalous late-19th-century novel The Way of All Flesh (which, as all English literature students know, mocked, in the most savage manner, the Victorian values of its day)--then ripped the head off a yellow rubber duck and stuck the duck's head to a wall with a syringe, and then placed another syringe behind it, forming a cross. (The second act of property damage suggests that the suspect is Nietzschean.) There was no sign of forced entry.

The Weekly Chum/Leschi/Thurs Jan 23/4:00 pm: This afternoon, Officer Holland responded to a suspicious-circumstances call. The victim explained that an unknown person had left a package on the windshield of her Chevrolet while she was out of town. When contact was made with the victim, she related to the officer that she had been having issues with her next-door neighbor that recently resulted in a petition for an order for protection. The victim stated that she was unsure if the neighbor had left the item in question, but other items and letters had been left on her property in the past. Officer Holland writes: "A check of the item found it to be an orange chum salmon wrapped in a Seattle Weekly newspaper dated Jan. 22-Jan. 28, 2003. The victim advised that she has video surveillance of her property but the camera was not pointing at her vehicle. Nothing else of evidentiary value was located."

Everywhere Death Is/Lake City/Fri Jan 24/6:00 am: Officer Ku reports: "Today, a woman passed away after taking an overdose of morphine sulfate. A unit dose of morphine 10mg/5mL (which equals 15mL) and an empty bottle of morphine 20mg/1mL (which equals 120mL) was found in the kitchen trash can. The morphine had expired on 09-95. The dead victim was in Seattle in her father's home taking care of him for a few weeks and was scheduled to return to Michigan next week. Her husband was contacted and was to be in Seattle the following day. The home was secured from the inside, and there was no sign of foul play. The OD appeared to have been accidental, as the victim did not realize the strength of the 20mg/1mL (120mL). It was much stronger than the 10mg/5mL (15mL). It is unknown how much was in the 120mL and 15mL bottles when the victim found them. A witness and brother of the dead woman explained that the morphine was left over from their mother's cancer treatment in 1991. She passed away in June of 1991. The witness thought the morphine had been disposed of at that time. The victim is survived by her father (who is now in the hospital), her brother, her husband, and son. The victim had two watches and two rings on her person, which were removed and given to the brother by the Medical Examiner."