The Frying Pain/Sand Point/Mon March 31/5:22 pm: This afternoon, a man became very angry with another man and began throwing pots and pans about the kitchen. The angered man then picked up a frying pan and struck the other man on top of the head several times. (As painful as this might have been for the victim, very few sights are funnier than a grown man being hit on the head with a frying pan. It's painfully funny.) The angered man then left the residence on foot. The police were called and conducted a search for the suspect. He was located and arrested.

In Her Pants/Rainier Valley/Mon May 26/12:33 pm: This afternoon, a woman entered a supermarket on Martin Luther King Way, and selected three bags of frozen shrimp, valued at $16.99 each. She was then observed leaving the store without paying for the shrimp. An employee attempted to contact her vocally, but she ignored his call and continued to make her exit. The employee then attempted to physically grab the bags of shrimp from her hands. At that moment, he saw what she knew she had in her pants pocket: a butcher knife. Officer D. A. Benz (I can't help myself, I have to say it: "Yo, where are the keys to da Benz?") writes: "The employee then decided to end his contact with her, and the suspect fled on a bicycle westbound from the market."

One Kitchen, Two Whole Chickens, Three Suspects/Beacon Hill/Fri June 6/4:10 pm: Here are the reported results of a robbery that occurred in a Vietnamese restaurant that specializes in barbecue: "Stolen Items: US Currency ($417.00); Two whole BBQ Chickens ($14.00); Eyeglasses ($200.00); Gold Chain with Asian Pendant ($700.00). Casualties: Victim one complained of head pain to the left side of his head (suspect one had struck him on the head with a pistol). Recovered at the scene: One meat cleaver (8 in.)."

Because the report of this robbery is long, I will share with you only its concluding paragraphs. Officer A. J. Ferragamo writes: "Victim two stated that she was in the kitchen cooking. During that time, she noticed victim one being pushed into the kitchen by three Asian males. She stated that they quickly closed the doors and ordered her to the ground. She got onto the ground, face down. An unknown suspect tied her hands behind her back with a yellow telephone cord and then secured her legs with an unraveled coat hanger. The suspect then removed her gold chain with the pendant and walked away....

"After the suspects left the location, victim one worked his hands free and undid the extension cord. Victim one then removed the wire from his legs and then freed victim two. Once freed, both victims ran to the business telephone and attempted to call 911. However, when they realized that the phone cord was missing (used to secure victim two), victim one ran to the business next door and called 911....

"Victim one advised that the only items taken at this time is U.S. currency from the store's cash register and two whole BBQ chickens. The victims were issued an SPD business card with a case number."