The Mediocre Father/Beacon Hill/Mon March 22/3:40 pm: Officer Berntson reports: "Recently the victim (age 18) received a notice from the IRS stating that he owed around $23,000 in back taxes. The victim started working last year and has not yet earned enough money to owe anywhere near that amount. The victim's mother did some research and discovered that the victim's father (age 40) has been using the victim's social security number. The [abuse of the number] goes back to 1998. The mother also noted that since the father has been using his son's number she has not been able to get at his wages for long-overdue child support. The mother contacted one of the father's employers, the Salvation Army, to get his home address, but the store's manager refused to give her the information unless the police were present. The father is considered at large."

The Homeowner's Lament/Aurora/Tues March 23/11:09 am: Officer Hirjak reports: "Tonight, the victim (white male, age 34) was working on his home computer when he heard a loud crash. He came outside and found that his rear window was smashed out. Inside, there was a shattered 40 oz. bottle of Olde English malt liquor. The bottle was in small pieces but the label was legible. I could not take the bottle into evidence due to its shattered state. The victim stated nothing was seen, and lamented that he had already suffered $15,000 in loss from crime in his neighborhood since moving to this home less than four years ago. He now planned on moving out of the city [altogether]."

Hammer Head/South Seattle/Wed March 23/2:50 am: Because important details are missing from this report by Officer Davenport, I have had to enhance it significantly. The truth of the report's matter, however, was unmolested by these touches. Davenport reports: "At that late hour which Otis Redding describes so desperately in his soul song 'Cigarettes and Coffee' ('It's early in the morning/about a quarter to three/I'm sitting here talking with my baby/over cigarettes and coffee'), a woman and her man were sitting at home arguing about something bad or wrong that the man had done. Distressed about all of this arguing, the man threatened that he would hurt himself if the woman continued to be angry with him. Her anger did not cool. He then stood, grabbed a hammer from a toolbox, and struck himself on the side/back of the head with it. The woman then called the police because she refused to watch her man hammer himself to death.... [The police arrived and] escorted the man to Harborview Medical Center for medical treatment and a mental evaluation."

Drinking While Spanking/Wallingford/Sun March 28/6:80 pm: Officer Elias reports: "A bartender was working when she noticed that a man sitting at the bar had his penis on his hand and was masturbating while drinking [a beer]. The man then left the bar and went to a booth were he continued to masturbate. The man was removed from the bar and left in an unknown direction."