The Stuff of Her Soul/Capitol Hill/Fri July 15/1:05 pm: Officer Guay reports: "Complainant called to report a woman [white, 21 years old, slim] in the parking lot of Dick's with a gun in the waistband of her pants. As the call came out, I was driving through Dick's parking lot and saw a woman leaning into a vehicle, with what appeared to be the black handle of a semiautomatic protruding from the rear waistband of her denim shorts. She was wearing a bikini swimsuit top.

"As I waited for backup, she entered the vehicle and left northbound on Broadway. I followed her car and stopped it on 10th Avenue and Harrison Street. Officer Welborn [my partner] saw the suspected gun from his side of the suspect's vehicle and recovered it without incident. When asked why she was carrying a gun, the suspect began to giggle. She said it wasn't a big deal because the gun was not real...

"I asked her name, and she supplied me her name. A check of that name showed an instruction permit expired in 2002, prior citations for driving without a valid license or insurance, and a current FTA. She knew she should not drive but her husband was in King County Jail and she was trying to get bail... She was cited for no valid operator's license and no insurance." The question of the gun being real or fake is never cleared in this report, and even if it were it would matter naught. An ounce of meaning will never be found in all that this young woman does with the days of her life. For some humans, the eyes are the window to the soul; for the suspect in this report, the soul is not seen through the eyes but heard in her giggle.

Making Nothing Out of Air/Capitol Hill/Wed July 13/12:30 am to 6:00 am: Officer Roberson reports: "According to complainant [white, male, 35 years old], sometime between 0030 and 0600 hrs, an unknown suspect let the air out of the listed vehicle's tires. The complainant said he believes a [white] male [simply] named Douglas was the one who let the air out of his vehicle's tires. The complainant stated that he didn't see Douglas let out the air of the tires but in the past Douglas had made threats to do so. After checking the tires, no damage appears to have been done to them."

The End Report/Central District/Sun July 3/3:35 pm: Officer Lee reports: "On the morning of 07/03/05, victim [white male] noticed that a tree that he believes is on his property had branches cut off it..." This sentence, the first of 20 adequately composed sentences, should make it abundantly clear to the reader that nothing is going to happen in this report. Absolutely zip. Totally zero. Altogether zilch. Sure, some things are said (someone is called a "faggot ass" and another person is called a "stupid punk" and told to "get off my fucking property"). And some things are done ("He walked over to where the tree was and began ripping out plants"). But these sayings and doings all add up to zip, zero, zilch. The universe is too big for us, the lonely betters. ■