Beacon Hill/Mon Nov 9/1:57 pm: Officer Brian Shaw reports: "I was dispatched to 15th Avenue South to investigate an assault that had occurred at school. I arrived and contacted the complainant [a school teacher], and he advised that on Friday, November 6, 2009, on the school bus home from elementary school, an older student who was on the bus had punched the victim in the side. Later that night, the victim began throwing up blood and his mother took him to the emergency room immediately. Doctors diagnosed him with Swine Flu, so it was not apparent whether throwing up blood had to do with him being punched or the Swine Flu.

"The suspect is a Somali male. I provided complainant with a business card and case number for the incident."

Swine flu is so bad that it can cause you to throw up blood? This I did not know. I hope that I never catch anything that can make blood come out of my mouth. I hope that the Somali bully caught the horrible pig sickness from the boy he punched.

West Seattle/Tues Nov 3/8:22 pm: Officer Kieran Barton reports: "I was working a routine patrol with Officer Evans. At approximately 20:16 hours, we were dispatched to a possible domestic-violence disturbance at 31st Ave SW. At approximately 20:27 hours we arrived on the scene with Officer Tuttle. We met with the subject and her boyfriend. Officer Tuttle remained outside the residence with those two people while Officer Evans and I entered the premises. Once inside we spoke with the complainant.

"She is a 48-year-old female who has medical disabilities that require pain medication. She informed us that she also had a prescription cough suppressant syrup that contained hydrocodone. Complainant stated that she took a teaspoon dose of her cough medication at about 8:00 a.m. and the bottle was practically full. She then stated that at about 5:00 p.m. she attempted to take another dose and realized it was water and not medication. Upon inspection, she observed the bottle was only about one-third full and not three-fourths full as she expected it to be. Complainant informed us she went to confront her daughter...

"Complainant went downstairs and found her daughter passed out [on the couch] and attempted to wake her. The daughter did not wake..."

The daughter eventually did wake up, and the police advised her and her mother "to have little contact with each other for the rest of the evening."

Now, dear reader, if you want to learn more about the abuse of prescription cough syrup, check out the new track "Otherside," by local rapper Macklemore and producer Ryan Lewis. It condemns cough-syrup fiends the way "Night of the Living Baseheads" condemned crackheads.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis perform Fri Nov 27 at Nectar.