The Missing Aleph/Wallingford/Tues Dec 26/ 8:29 pm: At this time of the day, Officer B. Morrison responded to a 911 hang-up call from a home on Second Ave NE. When he and Officer Gaedcke arrived at the home in question, they noticed several compact disks and cases strewn about the porch. Officer Morrison confidently knocked on the door, and a man wearing a red clown nose nervously answered it. Officer Morrison asked the man with the red clown nose if he was home alone. The man did not respond, but his moist eyes kept darting around, and he breathed heavily like a suffering sea monster.

Officer Morrison entered the house and found it was "clear of any other individuals." Still breathing heavily, the man with the red clown nose turned to Officer Morrison and said, "I have a sick wife; she is in the basement." Leaving Officer Gaedcke with the strange suspect, Officer Morrison walked down into the basement and searched for the clown's sick wife. The basement contained no human life. Nor, more significantly, was there an Aleph, which, as everyone in Argentina knows, is a small chink of light that, when peered into properly, reveals everything about the universe. Alephs are usually found in the basements of madmen.

Officer Morrison returned to the ground floor and looked for clues in the bathroom, bedroom, and finally the kitchen, where he found two empty bottles of whisky, one empty bottle of vodka, and one empty bottle of lacquer. Part of the mystery was solved! The red-nosed suspect was then transported to the institution that catered to his form of madness: Harborview Medical Center.

Five Hundred Years/Green Lake/Thurs Dec 28/3:14 pm: Approximately four weeks ago, a hard-working black man from Corliss Ave N won $915 from a bowling-league pot. But a white woman from Kent, who was in charge of the money, had yet to realize the prize. "Where is my money?" he asked her on the phone. "The money is gone," she responded. "It was stolen from my vehicle." But 500 years of American infamy informed him that this was "the same old, same old."

It began on the plantation, and now, in its postmodern phase, had moved to the bowling alley. He asked her for a case number to the theft, but she got all shifty and demanded that he stop harassing her. Left with no other choice, the black man decided to present the matter to a judge, who, he hopes, will repair this legacy of evil. The reporting officer to this incident, Officer Sharp, was unable to speak to the alleged greedy lady, as she did not answer her phone.

Who Is Watching Us/Lake City/Thurs Dec 28/ 10 pm: Tonight, a surveillance camera suddenly appeared on the wall of an apartment building on 32nd Ave NE and began watching people. Freaked by this amazing occurrence, the manager of the building called the cops, and when they arrived, showed them the exact location of the mysterious camera. Officer Hanson writes: "The camera in question was affixed to the southeast corner of the apartment complex, on the east exterior wall at the lower part of the second level." Underneath the camera was a sign that read: "Closed Circuit Surveillance Camera."

The cops questioned a few tenants, but none had any information about the camera. Frustrated, the cops radioed the Criminal Intelligence Unit and asked them, point blank, if they had put up a surveillance camera at the apartment complex on 32nd Ave NE. After a quick check, the Criminal Intelligence Unit gave Officer Hanson a "negative"--they had not posted a police surveillance camera at that particular location. So, who is the owner of this camera? And what does the person want from the residents of this apartment complex? Dear reader, we may never find the answer to this mystery of mysteries.