Pubic Property/Streets of Seattle/Fri March 9/2:06 am: Tonight, a woman informed Officer B. M. Hunt that she was digitally assaulted by an American Medical Response employee while being transported to Harborview Medical Center. She was in the ambulance when the AMR employee asked her if she had recently been checked for lice in her pubic area. "No," she said, "[but] you can check if you wish." The AMR employee then pulled her pants down, and with the concentration and accuracy of a baboon, began searching through her pubic hair for tiny lice. A moment later, one of his loose fingers entered her vagina. Certain that he had stepped beyond the border of medicine and entered the arena of sex, she reported the incident to the police. Sadly, she was unable to give Officer Hunt a description of the paramedic because she is near-sighted and did not have her glasses on while he was searching for lice and pleasure in her pubic region.

The Wives of Capitalists/West Seattle/Mon March 12/12:25 pm: Today, a 54-year-old Home Depot employee told Sgt. Kebba that a month ago, a stranger offered him the opportunity of a lifetime: a job that paid $100,000. When he asked what exactly this job entailed, the stranger told him, "Being a property manager for my business." A week later, the Home Depot man had a second meeting with the stranger and again asked for more details about this highly paid job: What else would he have to do besides managing property? This time the stranger was frank and told him the job involved performing sex acts for the wives of his business clients. The interviewee was shocked! He had quit his secure Home Depot job to accept this new offer. What was he to do now? The ex-Home Depot employee told Officer Kebba that the stranger was awaiting his decision regarding the job offer, which, considering circumstances, he might have to accept.

The Man Who Betrayed John The Baptist/ Central District/Tues March 13/5 am: At the crack of dawn, two men were partying and having a good time in an apartment on Washington Street. The tenant of the apartment, whose name is John The Baptist, decided to take matters to the next level, and so began pulling down his guest's pants. The guest pulled his pants back up. The disappointed host put on a sex video and took off his own clothes. Both began watching the porn. But when the host got too close to his guest and pressed his erection against the other's leg, the guest stood up, left the apartment, and called the cops. The cops came to John The Baptist's apartment, performed a routine check on his famous name, and discovered an "outstanding misdemeanor warrant for his arrest [dating back to A.D. 30]." John The Baptist was then arrested and transported to KCJ, where he had time aplenty to plot his revenge.

The Broken Triangle/Lake City Way/Tues March 13/9:30 pm: In response to the violence that erupted during Seattle's Mardi Gras, Lewis Kamb of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer recently wrote that a million-plus people in New Orleans can have a "raucous, libidinous, alcohol-fueled celebration" with hardly any violence. The reason for this, of course, is that the real Mardi Gras is essentially erotic. What draws people to the Big Easy is sex. The same cannot be said about Pioneer Square, or our city, which takes the most extraordinary measures to shut down its sex market. Take for example this report, which was written up by a vice agent named Umporowicz: He walked into a viewing booth in the Love Boutique and disrupted a pure circuit of pleasure between a dancer, a man, and a woman. He then identified all three as "suspects" and released them. And we, ladies and gentlemen, paid for this bizarre intrusion. What we should do instead is close the vice department forever and open lots of adult clubs and government-sponsored brothels in Pioneer Square. This would certainly ease much of the tension in our city, and make the next Mardi Gras a real Mardi Gras.