The Limits of the Law/Downtown/Tues March 20/11:50 pm: Tonight, the East Precinct "Anti-Crime Team" conducted a "Vice Operation" on a city sidewalk. During the operation, undercover Officer T. Bermann made contact with a woman wearing a flannel shirt, blue jeans, and brown shoes. After a brief conversation, she fell for his performance. She was then arrested and transported to the East Precinct for processing. While in the back seat, the woman began hitting her head against the Plexiglas partition that separated her from the law enforcers. The report fails to mention how long this head-banging went on, but when Sgt. Allen placed her in the cell an hour later, he noticed bruises on the suspect's head and called the AMR (American Medical Response). But before the aid unit arrived, the criminalized woman began banging the back of her head against the wall of the holding cell, then fell lumplike to the ground and began banging her forehead against the concrete floor. Spooked by her psychotic behavior, the cops decided to release her without a charge. Once she was gone in the ambulance and peace had returned to the station, the cops checked to see if she had damaged their cell (everything looked fine) or the Plexiglas in the cop car (not one crack).

The Battle of the Sexes/Downtown/Sat March 24/10:56 pm: These items became evidence for this "Suspicious Circumstance" report: a photo of "the visible bite mark on man's arm"; a photo of "the minor swelling on woman's lower lip"; "1 empty condom wrapper recovered from floor of room"; "2 $20 bills recovered from [female's bra]"; and "a roll of 35mm film" which contained photos of the scene of the crime--a table, beer, and, most importantly, the bed.

The crime began when the man offered the woman "a place to stay and some beer" for her favors. She wanted 40 bucks instead. He repeated his initial offer. She finally agreed. After sex, however, she grabbed $40 from his wallet and claimed it. He asked her what she was doing. The agreement was the room and beer! At this point, the woman bit his arm. He hit her in the mouth. She called the cops, who then took photos of the room, the beer, the $40, and all of their minor injuries.

The Sex Sermon/Central District/Sun March 25/9:30 am: This morning, a pastor of a black church found a letter from Philadelphia that contained Nazi literature and pornography. The proud pastor of the church turned the evil letter over to the police and entered his church to deliver a sermon. Police Beat imagines the sermon went something like this:

"Today, I wanted to talk about John the Baptist, about how we always revere him as the one who prepared the way for our lord Jesus Christ. And this is important, because it shows us that we, as the children of God, must always be prepared to prepare the way for those who are much greater than us. That is the least we can do in this life. But today, brothers and sisters, I want to talk to you about something else. Just a few minutes ago I handed to the police a letter containing pictures of a man and woman abusing the gift of procreation in sort of animal positions. Now I don't mind procreation, as evidenced by my two sons and two daughters over there in the front row. I also think pictures of procreation are not entirely evil. What bothers me is that these pictures were sent with hate literature. Now that is the work of the devil! Only the devil can make a man imagine that there is a connection between the pleasures of procreation and hating black people. So, this morning, I want each and every one of us to pray for those Philadelphia Nazis, and hope that one day they see the light--see that sex and hate literature have nothing in common. Amen!"