Paid by the FBI/Columbia City/Fri April 13/12:45 pm: A woman walked up to a new assistant manager of a popular Safeway and asked him to cash a $200 check. The new assistant manager happily cashed it for her. The woman thanked him and began shopping. A moment later, a more experienced employee approached the new assistant and told him that the check was actually a photocopy of a check she had copied on the store's Xerox machine. The new employee immediately called the cops; moments later, the cops showed up at the Safeway and contacted the suspect. The suspect told them that the FBI put the copying machine in the store for the sole purpose of her using it to copy checks. Officer Oliphint forced her to turn over the $200 and explained that it was not okay for her to do this sort of thing, but he wasn't sure if his message got through to her. The assistant manager then asked the cops to trespass her from the supermarket for good. "I attempted to do this [to trespass her]," writes Officer Oliphint, "but, once again, I don't think it sank in."
Man and Dog/Magnolia/Fri April 13/5:51 pm: When a woman heard a bookcase fall in her neighbor's apartment, she walked over to the apartment door and rang the bell. There was no answer. She called the cops; the cops came, broke down the door, and found the body of a dog on the floor and the body of a human--clutching a gun--on a bed. Both had gunshot wounds to the head. The medical examiner removed the remains of the man; animal control removed the remains of the dog.
Fucking Beavers/Burien/Sat April 14/9:45 am: On April 13, the manager of Lockhaven Marine declared war on all beavers. For months the critters had been breaking this and damaging that, and finally there was no other solution but all-out war. He called state animal control, which, after scouting the future battlefield, decided beaver traps were the way to go. At 9 am on April 14, the manager inspected one of these traps to see if it had caught a beaver during the night, and it had. Victory! One point for humans; zero for beavers. From his office he then phoned the people at animal control and ordered them to remove the first prisoner. But when the agent from animal control arrived at 9:30 am, the trap and the enemy were gone! The agent from animal control, the manager of Lockhaven, and an officer from the Seattle Police Department checked the area for the missing prisoner. At 9:45 am, they found the beaver trap in a dumpster, but it was empty--the beaver had escaped. The score was once again zero for humans, zero for beavers.
