From the May 17 – May 23, 2001 issue

News

Police Beat

by Charles Mudede

The Last Supper/Fremont/Sat April 28/7:27 pm: Tonight, a Fremont man (who we shall call Mr. C.) reported to Officer Hagerty that he (Mr. C.) recently met another Fremont man (whom we shall call Mr. V.), and invited him to his house for dinner. Mr.V. accepted Mr. C.'s invitation and on the agreed day arrived at his home around 5 pm. At 6 pm, Mr. C. and Mr. V. completed a pleasant meal and stepped into Mr. C.'s hot tub. While in the hot tub, Mr. V. consumed four beers. At approximately 6:30 pm, Mr. C. got out of the hot tub and went to the store to buy more beer. When he returned at approximately 6:45 pm, his date was floating face down in the hot tub. Mr. C. dropped the beer, pulled the open-mouthed man out of the hot tub, placed him on the deck, and performed CPR on him for five minutes. He had no success with the wet body, so he called 911. Seattle Fire Department Medic 31 responded to the scene at approximately 7:07 pm and attempted to shock Mr. V. back to life, but the electric effort met a dead end. At 7:27 pm, Mr. V. officially entered nothingness.

Who's Been Fucking in My Bed?/Ravenna/Sat April 28/11:47 pm: A man returned home tonight and discovered an open condom wrapper and a used condom on his bedroom floor. He also noticed that his bed had been slept in, and items on his dresser had been rearranged. The man was utterly perplexed! His housemate was out of town, no one was visiting him, the door was locked, there were no signs of forced entry, and nothing seemed missing. There was just this expired condom and its live content. The man stated he was very shaken by these unusual circumstances.

Who's Hiding in My Bush?/West Seattle/May 2 Wed/1:44 am: A man and woman who are happily in love were at home when a stranger knocked on their door. The stranger told them that his girlfriend (who lived next door) would not let him in her house. The man asked if he could use the couple's phone to call a cab. They reluctantly let him in. Once inside, the stranger made himself comfortable and began chatting about this and that. Finally, the couple told the stranger to leave their home, and the stranger left. But an hour later, they caught him trying to break into their house through the kitchen window. They screamed, and the stranger ran away. Officer Agate arrived shortly after the couple called for help and brought a K9 to hunt down the suspect. The K9 put its nose to the ground and began the search. It tracked around the back of the house, over the fence on the north side of the yard, went around a tree, and found the suspect lying in some thick bushes. The suspect surrendered and was booked into King County Jail for burglary and unrelated warrants.

A Moral Cop Poem/Seattle/Fri May 4/10 pm to 1 am: Tonight, the vice squad performed several sting operations on strip joints around the city. Nothing new happened, just the usual: Cops got free dances and wrote reports about illegal touching, caressing, and fondling. What is of interest to us this time is the section of the reports where the vice agents described the attire of the dancers. Police Beat has decided to string these descriptions together so as to form an erotic poem inspired by the image of a pearl necklace. We call this poem "The Indecent Necklace" and hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed assembling it:

Night by night, song by song, they slid down the silver thread of indecency. Bluish-green translucent one-piece, with white top, and plaid skirt; black two-piece G-string bikini with sharp high heels and pony tails; white with dark flowered negligee top and matching G-string; white two-piece G-string bikini pink swimsuit. Yes, night by night, song by song, they slid down the silver thread of indecency.