Central District
Mon March 29, 8 pm: Recently the boyfriend of a Yesler Way woman decided his girlfriend should become a nude dancer and professional escort. Previously, the couple had dated without incident for four years. Although the woman had no interest in this line of work, her so-called boyfriend did everything he could to pressure her into it: in his bolder moments, he threatened to cut off her legs, beat up her dad, and shoot up her grandmother's house. This was not the first time her boyfriend had forced her into something extreme. Thanks to his prodding, she got his name tattooed on her upper leg--a tattoo he threatened to cut from her flesh during a recent argument. The boyfriend also forced the woman to exercise rigorously at the YMCA on 23rd and Olive, apparently in preparation for escort work. "He wants me to be in shape," she told police, "so I look good."

Police Beat was shocked to learn that this man also had a second girlfriend, whom he openly dated. The two women talked quite a bit (having come to an understanding), and number two told number one that she was also being threatened and forced into rigorous exercise. Woman number one filed a report with the police, claiming she feared for her life. "He wears baggy sweat suits," woman number one reported, adding that he has mastered "several martial arts." The boyfriend (and aspiring pimp) also reportedly possesses a gallery of sharp knives, automatic guns, and martial arts weapons.

The Vacuums of Destiny

West Seattle
Wed March 31, 6:42 am: A male living on 26th Place SW filed a noise complaint against the Destiny Ministries, an African American church--not due to the sounds of enthusiastic worship or exuberant singing, but because church members were making excessive noise while vacuuming their vehicles in the parking lot. This wasn't the man's first complaint against the church: he has made several calls to 911 regarding the overwhelming noise from the vacuums, which are situated 50 to 60 yards from his house. When police arrived in response to his latest call, they found only one car in the parking lot, and were unable to hear the cacophony of vacuum cleaners. Church members told police that the neighbor's complaints were race-related, as he was "Anglo-Saxon." Sensing a delicate and potentially explosive situation, our Seattle Police Department promised to work very closely with all parties, so as to resolve this matter in a universally satisfactory manner. Watch this space for updates.

'I'm a Human!'

City Bus
Wed March 31, 12:05 pm: Riders of Metro bus route 925 took notice when a coughing and hacking man boarded the bus. The man sat down behind a woman who would soon become his victim, as he directed his expectoration at the back of her neck. Disgusted, the victim noted that she was being showered with his "sick saliva," and recommended the man be "polite" and cover his mouth. The suspect responded by calling the victim a "bitch," and informed her that if she didn't shut her mouth, he would punch her. The victim told the suspect that, in fact, she was not a bitch; rather, she was a human being. The suspect responded to this positive self-affirmation by negatively hitting her in the face. The victim then responded in kind, hitting the suspect in the face. At this, the suspect stood up and punched the victim several times in the area of her head. After a few blows were exchanged, the victim yelled "Assault!" causing the driver to stop the bus. The suspect immediately exited the bus, fleeing in an unknown direction. The driver stated that he didn't see any of the assault. An area check by Sgt. Roger Rusness and his partners produced three males as possible suspects; but the victim (who was left with a swollen lip) could not make a positive ID.

Sexy Setup

Green Lake
Wed March 31, 9:38 pm: Undercover detectives disguised as sexy prostitutes (one calling herself "Fudge") took a bite out of crime as they descended upon Aurora Ave N and arrested men agreeing "to pay a fee for sex." The men who fell into this perfect trap came from an amazingly diverse array of backgrounds: among those arrested were a computer technician, a grocery clerk, a student from North Seattle Community College, and a funeral director. The suspects did have one thing in common, however: all were charged with solicitation and booked into King County Jail.

In a lonely place

Somewhere in the city
Thurs April 1, 2:58 am: Depressed about losing her job at Barnes & Noble, a woman committed suicide tonight. A close friend, who had known the deceased for six or seven years, stated that when she saw her last, the woman seemed acutely depressed regarding her job prospects. A psychiatrist who had been observing the woman over the last four to six weeks of her life stated that during their last discussion, the deceased had expressed great interest in getting her job back at Barnes & Noble--but apparently, fate was not on her side. Hope was all the woman had left, and losing this, she made her final exit from this, our sad world.