Previously in New Column!

Challenge Part 2

Several weeks ago, The Stranger published a written challenge from furious citizen Josh Menard, who was hungry for the opportunity to fight two police officers who are guilty of committing egregious sins during the WTO protests (specifically, the sin of kicking a helpless guy in the nuts, and the sin of pepper-spraying two women sitting innocently in a car). Perhaps you remember the accompanying photo of Mr. Menard, with arms of steel and a gaze of death. Well, burly Josh's burly challenge didn't fall on deaf ears. First came a call from a Seattle-area martial arts center, offering to host the battle between Menard and the cops, free of charge. Next came a call from radio station KISW, which featured Mr. Menard on its call-in morning show (where Menard received not one but two calls from police officers confirming his assertion that the challenged cops are wusses). Finally there came a mysterious call from a man identifying himself as "a police officer from the West Precinct," informing Mr. Menard that should he wish to tussle with some cops, he need only attend a regular, cops-only, no-holds-barred Tuesday night fight club at an undisclosed location. The Stranger promptly called the West Precinct, but the officer who answered the phone (after a whopping 34 rings--what the hell's going on over there?) denied any knowledge of an in-house fight club, adding, "Any officer showing up with a busted face would have to explain himself to his superior." As of yet, there has not been one call from an officer brave enough to accept Josh's challenge AND leave his name.

So here's Marcie. Marcie is seven years old, a second-grader at Lowell Elementary School, and a sufferer from both mild asthma and a minor club foot. As Josh Menard is obviously too much of a threat to the cowardly cops, Marcie has valiantly agreed to kick off her prescription shoes and step up to the cop-clobbering plate. If either of the two wussy WTO coppers are willing to accept Marcie's challenge, please call The Stranger at 323-7101.

A packed 'n' screaming house learned the true meaning of the word "pizzazz" this past Thursday at Consolidated Works, where 15 freakishly talented acts competed for an absolutely stunning array of prizes in The Stranger's first annual, citywide talent show, PIZZAZZ! Hosted by The Stranger's own David Schmader and blessed with not one but two mind-blowing guest spots by the inimitable Dina Martina, PIZZAZZ! paraded a cornucopia of singers, dancers, needle-eaters, slam poets, and inexplicably masked goth freaks before a panel of celebrity judges, including Q13 anchor Leslie Miller, Fastback Kim Warnick, Insurance Commissioner/U.S. Senate hopeful Deborah Senn, retired Superior Court Judge Terry Carroll, and beloved sex columnist/alleged felon Dan Savage. Third prize went to the charming, crowd-pleasing, and highly original musical performance of the Trachtenberg Family Players; second prize to the enthralling sonic storm of the Anzanga Marimba Ensemble; and first prize to the sultry stomach-shimmying of belly dancer Sabura (pictured right). Sabura trotted off with a fabulous Grand Prize package, featuring dinner for two at both Atlas Foods and Coastal Kitchen, full passes for two to both Bumbershoot and WOMAD, a 10-week training session with Future Stars Model and Talent Agency (including audition coaching and photo shoot), AND, courtesy of Asian Pacific Travel, an all-expenses paid trip for two to Disneyland! "Holy fuck!" you say. "I didn't know the prizes were gonna be THAT good!" That'll learn you to underestimate your favorite alternative newsweekly, you shithead. (Auditions for next year's PIZZAZZ! will be held Easter weekend, 2001. See you there!)

Over the years, many readers have pointed out the two things lacking from our otherwise flawless paper: international news and poetry. This week, we aim to fill those voids with the introduction of a brand-new column:

This week's topic:

The 25th Anniversary of the Fall of Saigon!

North beat South, we fled

Tails between legs, like wusses.

And then came disco.