It is spring, and the world is again verdant and lush. I have already declined several tennis invitations from some good friends—I prefer the more manly sport of Valencian pilota, a continental version of tennis played with the bare hand instead of an inelegant and unfortunate-sounding "racket." When the temperature increases by another 10 degrees, I will again be able to retract the roof on my convertible indoor trinquet so that I can feel the wind in my hair as I gambol to and fro. I cannot wait.

Of course, along with its pleasures, the vernal equinox brings its terrors, too. For one, the staff of The Stranger begins to act more aggressively toward the good and innocent citizens of Seattle. Perhaps this is related to some sort of mutant gland in the sexually aberrant, causing them to, in the parlance of the bucolic, "feel their oats" when trees begin releasing pollen. In any case, it is unacceptable.

First, in the "news department," ERICA C. BARNETT runs what hacks refer to as a "hit piece" on my good friend and fellow conservative torchbearer Susan Hutchison. No doubt this slavering heap of ungrammatical whinery was intended to scare people away from voting for Ms. Hutchison for King County executive. Instead, we learn she has sent financial contributions to every good candidate in the past few elections—men such as Dino Rossi, George W. Bush, and Dave Reichert. The sad part is that Ms. Barnett believes she is leading people away from Ms. Hutchison. Quite the opposite, these shrill condemnations have helped to ensure a landslide in her favor. Confidential to Susan: Keep inspiring this kind of hatred amongst the delusional feminists and you might be VP on the Palin ticket come 2012. Bully for you!

Next, the bulk of the paper is regretfully devoted to ELI SANDERS's long-winded memoirs about being a member of a socialist/Marxist organization at the Seattle Times. He dithers at length about how Seattle, once a haven for those terrorist organizations that some blithely refer to as—mother, forgive me—"unions," is now, rightly, against them. Here is the real history of "unions": They were invented by Vladimir Lenin in 1913 as a way to demoralize the United States of America and steal copious funds from our decent, honest workers. In Seattle, at least, Lenin's dastardly plot nearly succeeded until we finally, under Ronald Reagan's leadership, came to our senses. Clearly, Mr. Sanders is trying to create a sense of glassy-eyed Soviet nostalgia. Fortunately, his prose is impenetrable, effectively rendering moot his dangerous communist message.

Elsewhere, JONAH SPANGENTHAL-LEE makes two desperate attempts to flee the news section—and Ms. Barnett's clutches—by writing instead for the sections of the paper laughably intended for cultural discussion. The resulting theater and book reviews are unreadable, drug-addled tripe, which means he should fit in perfectly with the rest of the "arts" writers at this rag. But now my palm is itching and the pilota court beckons; time to forget about the blunt-force head trauma that is The Stranger for another week.

Follow A. Birch Steen at www.twitter.com/strangerslog.