A Critical Overview of The Stranger
The public is hungry for Seattle to come together and work cooperatively on our most important priorities instead of the usual liberal agenda, and the fact that 80 percent of Seattle voters cast their ballots for Democrats this past November should not be overshadowed by the fact that Seattle constitutes less than 25 percent of the total state electorate. Therefore, it is time we put aside party dynamics and focus instead on having Seattle's government serve the needs of all Washingtonians.
For far too many years, Seattle's Democratic majority has failed to do this, serving only the partisan interests of Seattle's voters. That's why we needed a bipartisan coalition of Republicans from throughout the state—plus me and Senator Tim Sheldon of Potlatch—to join together to form the bipartisan Majority Coalition Caucus, a caucus that just elected me the new mayor of Seattle. After all, what could be more bipartisan than a Republican-turned-Democrat-turned-Republican Seattle mayor who doesn't even live in Seattle?
Now, I know what you're thinking: Seattle already has a duly elected mayor. Not anymore. The senate Judiciary Committee, meeting in a secret special session, and led by my handpicked chairman, Senator Mike Padden (NRA-Spokane Valley), has issued an emergency order dissolving Seattle's old partisan city charter and replaced it with one more befitting the spirit of our new bipartisan era. In addition to my lifetime term as mayor, the Seattle City Council has also been dissolved, its duties and prerogatives to be filled by the members of the Mason County Council, chaired by Tim Sheldon in the newly created office of President Pro Tempore/Prefect of the Praetorian Guard.
Of course, this peaceful transition of power would never have been possible without the bipartisan cooperation of a large field of qualified candidates who, after a weekend of "enhanced consultation," withdrew their names from consideration, had their citizenship stripped, and were subsequently beheaded. I thank Mike McGinn, Tim Burgess, Peter Steinbrueck, Kate Martin, and that developer guy whose name no one can remember for their lifetime of public service. As for my longtime friend and colleague Senator Ed Murray, I have a very special chair to offer him, if he ever comes out of hiding.
Finally, to the readers of The Stranger, I invite you to enjoy this final issue. Under the new bipartisan Majority Media Consensus Coalition, The Stranger's license has been revoked, its editorial staff sent to reeducation camps (or first-time-education camps, as the case may be), and its offices burned to the ground. Hail bipartisanship! Hail Mayor Tom!