Sometimes, late at night, when a throbbing case of bursitis keeps me awake, my veneer of stoicism melts away and I allow myself to wonder what might have been. Specifically, I fantasize about being the Seattle Weekly's public editor. True, they occasionally make missteps at the SW, but their crackerjack news team is dangerously close to becoming the best in Seattle, with Don Ward leading the charge in both the print and computerized editions. Mr. Ward has been fearlessly slaughtering Democratic sacred cows left and right.
After reeling with delight from last week's incredibly thorough cover story about a fish-stick tycoon, I can determine that the Weekly only needs one man to round out its news-team brain trust: Young master John Fay, who recently wrote an op-ed for the University of Washington Daily declaring that gay marriage was the first step down a slippery slope that would result, ultimately, in human/ ruminant relations. Under Mr. Ward's strict tutelage, Mr. Fay, who correctly stated that homosexuality is an "emotional condition" and not a biological one, could blossom into our region's leading thinker.
While the Daily steadily advances the cause of American journalism, The Stranger remains mired in irrelevancy and gutter life. The lead story in this week's news department? JONAH SPANGENTHAL-LEE on a battle over parking in Magnolia. I succumbed to narcolepsy three times whilst typing that last sentence. Also, ERICA C. BARNETT complains about a wise proposal by my man Frank Chopp to wall off Seattle's waterfront from the Sound, thus protecting us from tsunamis and tourists, not to mention mutated sea life.
Further into the section—far beyond where any sensible reader of English would dare to venture—DOMINIC HOLDEN attacks a local television journalist's exposé of a private club devoted to unmentionable perversions. I understand this rag is fond of ad hominem attacks on Seattle reporters, but this is beyond the pale. Unlike the individuals stumbling through this office carrying the scent of illegal activities with them, Marlee Ginter is a respectable journalist. If jealousy had a smell, this paper would be awash in stink. And if unabashed gloating made a sound, it would be Mr. Spangenthal-Lee's pedantic crowing at his own ability, in another "news" piece, to persecute religious people who dared to try and set up a church in the neighborhood in most need of more of them: Capitol Hill.
Thus finished with the "news," I attempted to read JEN GRAVES's feature story about interracial adoption. I got as far as her tenuous attempts to lash her subject to Barack Hussein Obama, who is currently this paper's poster boy for everything good and right, and threw the paper away with disgust. In a town as blessed as Seattle is—with an excellent university system, a common awareness of our shared history, and industry-leading news organizations like Seattle Weekly and KOMO 4 News—there is no reason to waste time on drivel. 
