The truth is, as an audience, we don't care about the reading or the panel. That is the writer's time--the time they do their own thing. What we really want, and wait for (as authors go on and on about their ideas, about what inspires them, about the importance of their fiction, about another famous author they had dinner with last night), is the Q&A. That is the moment when the famous writer--the one you envy and can never call, e-mail, or have lunch with--is suddenly open to you. You can ask them a question and they have to respond, recognize you, register your existence. But you just can't ask them anything; you must ask the right question, because this is your chance to make an impression. We leave it up to you to figure out what the right question is, but what we can offer are questions and comments you should never pose to a famous author.

· Do you write with a pencil or pen?

· When your book is in the remainder bin, how do you think that will make you feel?

· Did you mean for your author photo to make you look incredibly gay?

· Do you feel like a rock star right now?

· Do you really expect us to believe your life is that interesting?

· Did you read my online review of your book on Amazon.com? Did you agree with it?

· How much was your advance?

· My son is an aspiring writer--would you mind reading some of his stuff?

· I am an aspiring writer--would you mind reading some of my stuff?

· Why won't those assholes at the New Yorker publish my short story?

· What makes you so special?

· I haven't read your book, but I think...

· What actor/actress did you have in mind when you were writing the main character?

· Have you ever thought about writing a story about...

· How do you get an agent?

· Have you ever read (A) Finnegan's Wake, (B) Remembrance of Things Past, and/or (C) Naked Lunch? What the hell were they supposed to be about?

· Does it bother you that your work often inspires me to masturbate?

· Do you support a war in Iraq?

· Was that character based on you?

· Was that character based on me?

· Have you read my novel? (If not, I have a copy right here.)

· Have you read my weblog?

· Boxers or briefs?

· Is French cinema/the Russian novel/ theater dead?

· Do I look fat in these pants?

· Do you know how fat you look in those pants?

· Do you even have an editor?

· Do you consider yourself a black/gay/feminist/Jewish/American/Asian/differently abled writer?

· Have you ever had sex with a minor?

· Salman Rushdie: bald. Please discuss.

· Why write books when you can make so much more money writing screenplays?

· Do you find it ironic that after writing Christine, Stephen King was nearly killed by a car? If you were in his shoes, would you now regret having written Cujo?

· Is the novel possible after 9/11?

· GoBots or Transformers? Defend your answer.

· What's Oprah really like?

· Jonathan Franzen: brilliant or big fucking prick?

· What is the role of the writer in the war against terror?

· Where does Dave Barry get all those hilarious ideas?

· I first discovered your work in junior high. My parents were getting divorced and it was an incredibly difficult time for me. Then, my little brother was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and my family didn't have medical insurance. I think all of these things contributed to the fact that I didn't enter puberty until several years after my friends, and you can imagine how frustrating that was. Anyway, I credit your writing with getting me through that incredibly difficult period, and I thank you for simply being alive. My question is: How do you like Seattle?