RAMBLING FILLER by Leslie Miller

Thank you, Scott, for that riveting report on the sleeping man accidentally dumped into a garbage truck. I must admit that's always been a fear of mine, waking up to find myself tumbling from a Dumpster into a trash compactor just waiting to crush my hips like pretzels. Ow! Thankfully, I've never had a broken bone, but I have stubbed every one of my toes. Omigod--the worst was this time I was at a reception for Craig T. Nelson, the guy who played Coach on Coach, whom I've always thought was kinda attractive in an icky sort of way, and I was wearing these open-toe sandals, which were just adorable. Where are those? Anyway, Craig T. Nelson walks by and I think, "Okay, Leslie, it's now or never!" and I race around the buffet table. But before I get to him, this woman steps in front of me and it's Goldie Hawn! I'm so surprised I slam my foot into a table leg and scream something that isn't fit for broadcast, if you know what I mean, and Craig T. Nelson looks at me and Goldie Hawn looks at me and my toes are bleeding and I just want to die! So... yeah. Sleeping in Dumpsters is a terrible thing. Back to you, Scott.

Previously in New Column!

Hi, Kids! Boy, my brain is just tingling with excitement over today's puzzle. Do you know what a "rebus" is? That's when you try to figure out a sentence using a series of picture clues! Here's an example!

The answer is SCREWBALL! Ha! Ha! Get it?? Hey, that's pretty funny, all right! Now. Using a pencil and paper, write down today's super secret message by decoding the pictures below! And whooo! Let me tell you, it's a jim dandy! You'll find the correct answer for today's puzzle below--but no peeking! 'Cause if you do, I may have to declare a fatwa! HA! Just kidding! HAVE FUN!

Today's Answer: Whatever be your goal, keep your eyes on the donut, and not the hole.

Gee! You're Brainy! with the Ayatollah Khomeini |

From the Sep 21 - Sep 27, 2000 issue

Ahhhh... goddamn that's sore. Oooh, yeah, right there. I have no idea what the hell I did to it, but it is REALLY sore. It's like the whole area is tender! But especially along here. See? Ouch! Yep, that's it, all right. Right there!

What did I do yesterday? We didn't... I mean, I was at the studio all day, right? How could it get so sore? We shot a few opening scenes, no stunts... I didn't even break a sweat. The whole thing lasted 20 minutes, tops. I sat around and talked to Patrick for a while afterward, but that was it.

Can you use BenGay for something like this? It won't hurt it or burn in any way, will it? What about around the... the... I mean, the skin is probably pretty sensitive there, isn't it? One thing's for sure--I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. I can't even turn over without it starting to throb. I can't see all the way under there myself. Turn on the light, will you? Can you take a look at it? Is it bruised or discolored in any way? Bring that light over and look at it up close. God, it's just killing me!

Ow! Jesus! Leave it alone! I told you it hurts there! Yes, RIGHT THERE. Okay, fine. FINE. Just don't push it like that. OW! You have to be gentle! OWWW! CHRIST! WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP PUSHING ON IT?!!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PRESS IT LIKE THAT! You think you'd like it if I did that to you? It hurts like hell! You know it's sore! Why do you keep messing with it? You're making it worse! OWW!! GODDAMN IT! ARE YOU DOING THIS ON PURPOSE?!! JUST FORGET IT, OKAY? I'm sorry I asked! Just leave me alone. Just... just leave it, all right? Fine.

Unnggghhh. Ah... owww! Oohhhh. Christ, that aches!

CHRIST, THAT ACHES! with JONATHAN FRAKES |

From the Sep 14 - Sep 20, 2000 issue

Imagine: You're at a bar, hanging out with friends, maybe even chatting up a cute piece of rump you've had your eye on. Out of the blue, some asshole rudely bumps your arm. You just paid for that beer, and now it's in your lap! What are you going to do about it, tough guy?

I'm Betty White. Years of being pushed around by overbearing shitheels like Bea Arthur and Ed Asner have led me to develop streetfighting techniques that can drop an opponent in under 20 seconds. I call it...

SAN SOO: THE ART OF SUDDEN VIOLENCE!

POINT ONE: Mercy? Christ, don't make me laugh. Did that punk show any mercy when he embarrassed you in front of a bar filled with beautiful ass? No, sir, he did not! STRIKE FIRST and use MAXIMUM FORCE. You're in this to win, and winners don't wait their turn.

POINT TWO: BLIND HIM! Curl your fingers into a vulture's claw and go for the eyes! You'd be surprised how fast a perforated eyeball takes the fight out of some belligerent little prick. Pretend his eyes have asses, and start kicking!

POINT THREE: CUT OFF HIS AIR! Chokeholds are great if you've got the time, but remember--your opponent will just start breathing again when you let go! Instead, lunge forward and seize his Adam's apple! That stringy bit of cartilage is all that stands between you and total victory. Clench it in your fist! Crush it! Yank it free!

POINT FOUR: TEACH HIM A LESSON! The fight isn't over once he's down! Total victory demands total retribution! If your opponent walks away with nothing more than blurry vision and a sore throat, you might just find him bumping your arm again one day. While he's down, picture him as a soft, flabby bundle of vulnerable targets. Kick every one until the blood runs like wine.

Then--and only then--can you walk away. But don't leave without a witty phrase for your target to remember you by. Pull up your skirt, squat over his bleeding face, and let loose, saying: "Hey, pal! This Bud's for YOU!" Ha! Ha! HA! Believe me, your victim won't like it any better than Ed Asner did!