I CAN SIT THROUGH anything. Long church services, long movies, opera, baseball games, poetry readings, court cases--you name it, I can sit through it. But the three-minute speech Margaret Pageler delivered at the opening of the Passport to the World gala at the Paramount Theatre on Thursday night was simply impossible. A minute into it and I wanted to flee the theater. She went on and on about the importance of the arts, respecting diversity, and building strong communities; it was as nauseating, as oppressive, as inescapable, as eternal as the kingdom of hell.

Two lesser-known council members followed Pageler, but I was able to sit through their little speeches without much difficulty. The last person to take the stage before the beginning of the film Sunshine (which is directed by Istvan Szabo and written by Israel Horovitz, who is King Ad-Rock's father) was none other than Deborah Kara Unger, the dreamy actress from the erotic movie Crash. Unlike last week's introduction by Alicia Silverstone (who recently confirmed on BBC radio that she is not going out with Kenneth Branagh), Deborah was eloquent, intelligent, and infinitely charming.

After the three-hour epic, I was introduced to Deborah outside the Paramount Theatre and we immediately hit it off. My wife, who was taking photos for the festival, noticed how friendly we had become, and informed (warned) Deborah that she was my wife. Moments later, when my wife had her back turned to us, Deborah erotically winked at me. My heart exploded! I told my wife about this secret wink while driving home, just to let her know (or put her in her place--something us married men have to do now and then), and she told me that Deborah also winked at her when I had my back turned to them for a second. No! How could she?! Damn her! Because my wife robbed me of my true happiness (yes, I blame her and not dreamy Deborah), I plan to avoid her all next week, and spend my days healing my heart while watching these films: Bye Bye Africa, Flowers from Another World, Wonderland, and Purple Storm.