Viewers of the new IMAX film All Access: Front Row. Backstage. LIVE! are meant to experience two things: What it's like to be a VIP hanging around at huge arena rock shows--free to hear what Sting has to say about his career--and to see living proof that rock and roll excess truly does exist. Like, if some big star requires that flunkies run ahead of him at every tour stop, frantically creating a makeshift fantasyland complete with glittering chandeliers and velvet swags, then by God it better happen or heads will roll. If nothing else, this film is living proof that vainglory did not perish with the '70s.

Since much ballyhoo is made about the fact that All Access is presented by Certs, (a pre-feature commercial glamorizes the importance of fresh breath when partaking in karaoke, the national pastime of folks who don't normally boast VIP credentials), viewers are offered miles of footage featuring flunkies and the film crew popping mints and smugly palming Certs packages in between sets by "artists" as diverse as Trey Anastasio and that guy from Matchbox 20. As the film progresses, each of the featured performers speaks candidly about an artist just prior to that artist's performance slot. Moby hypes the Roots, Macy Gray calls George Clinton an influence, and so forth.

The filmmakers probably didn't anticipate that saving Dave Matthews' pairing with Al Green until the end caused at least one viewer--this one--to wince repeatedly. Not because a screen five stories high makes it undeniable that Matthews is a fat, dorky-looking doof. I knew that already. But every time Matthews' Baby Huey maw spread into that drooly, googly grin of his and he began to rave about someone or other, it only reminded me that, shit... THAT guy is coming up.

Sheryl Crow singing in her bare feet: cringeworthy but comparatively, not a big deal. Dave Matthews talking about Sheryl Crow: shit...THAT guy is coming up. And when THAT guy finally did come up, his guitar nestled in his armpit as he accompanied Green on "Take Me to the River," I felt like my brain could use some Certs.