Kate Michael Farrah Jackson, beloved philanthropist, terrorizer of wee butt-holes, and surely the most sinewy and blond and shampoo-commercially of all Charlieās alleged āAngels,ā died todayāthe tragic victim of a combination of ass cancer and a revenge killing perpetrated by what was left of her own mangled nose. (She was already desperately weakened by years of daily plastic surgery, piles of alleged prescription drugs, and inappropriate pillow fights. What was left of the abused noseāwhich broke off, skittered into the woods, and went quite mad years agoāused her weakened state to its advantage to sneak into her house and set the bed on fire, TMZ reports. The nose has been formerly charged.)
Kate began her career, as do so many talented, young blond black boys, taking orders from John Forsythe via a little paneled speaker box. She appeared on Soul Train and American Bandstand (at the exact same time!) before the tender age of 7 and spent her teenage years in disguise as a door-to-door Jehovahās Witness. When she was too old and sinewy (like beef jerky! With amazing hair!) to be an Angel (or a Jehovahās Witness) anymore, Kate started moonwalking professionally and dating a chimpanzee and Madonna at the same time. (At the Grammys!)
But of course, Kate made an equally large splash in the business world, by inventing very successful things like the popular childrenās beverage āJesus Juiceā and by never paying her bills. After her tragic breakups with her first husband, Lisa Marie Presley, and her second husband, a 12-year-old cancer boy from Nebraska or something, she married Ryan OāNeal, her nose fell off, and, well, ass cancer. Ouch. Ironic, really.
She is survived by that one tall, skinny Angel that no one ever thinks about and Ryan OāNeal. She was old. RIP, her!