Last week you wrote this about your readersā responses to WILLIE and FS: āI find it odd that no long letters arrived laying out what FS was doing wrong. Is it always the manās fault, I wonder? If something is going wrong in a coupleās sex life, the man must be to blame?ā I wanted to answer your rhetorical question.
If we assume FS is at fault, I would say that she probably forced her husband to watch her bear their children and it freaked him out. She did say that the sex dried up after the kids came. Guys donāt want to be labeled as bad husbands or disinterested fathers, so they go into the delivery room as ordered even though they know damn well that it will be impossible to delete the mental images.
Then, after they watch a pussy (one they once cherished as a snug home...
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Last week you wrote this about your readersā responses to WILLIE and FS: āI find it odd that no long letters arrived laying out what FS was doing wrong. Is it always the manās fault, I wonder? If something is going wrong in a coupleās sex life, the man must be to blame?ā I wanted to answer your rhetorical question.
If we assume FS is at fault, I would say that she probably forced her husband to watch her bear their children and it freaked him out. She did say that the sex dried up after the kids came. Guys donāt want to be labeled as bad husbands or disinterested fathers, so they go into the delivery room as ordered even though they know damn well that it will be impossible to delete the mental images.
Then, after they watch a pussy (one they once cherished as a snug home for their dicks, two inches wide at MOST) stretch open four or five inches, and then they watch something slimy force its way free kicking and screaming, and THEN watch something that looks like raw meat slide out, all accompanied by screaming and usually urine and feces, both from the mother and the childā¦ well, some guys just have trouble looking at that specific pussy the same way ever again. (I have told my husband that he is NOT TO WATCH that process, and while I want him there holding my hand because I am selfish, I want him safely behind a drape for entirely different selfish reasons.)
I have one friend who canāt get it up with his wife without watching porn first, because he canāt shake the thought of her crotch covered with meconium without a lot of distraction. Know what meconium is? Yeah. Ron Jeremy couldnāt fuck a porn star covered with meconium.
On top of that, women who have had children certainly can get their bodies back, and often ābetterā than it was before the babies. However, unless said babies were popped out when mama was young and her skin tone was fresh and dewy, there is aā¦ kind of a pooch of skin. It does not make her less sexy, to some men. Some men find it more sexy. Some do not, and if FS is married to someone who does not, all the crying in the world wonāt change it.
Finally, FS is strutting around in what SHE thinks is sexy. She should ask what HE thinks is sexy. She may be in for a shock. As a personal example, I once owned a black leather bustier with fishnet panels and a matching thong. All of my previous lovers had thought it was deliciously naughty. The fellow (with the low sex drive) I actually married, however, nearly died and not in a good way when he saw that outfit. We had a nice honest conversationāwhat HE thinks is sexy is not as blatant, and furthermore he thinks that thongs make everyoneās ass look supersized. Fuck if I care about the costuming, itās about getting him going, so out with the leather and the thongs and in with the negligees and the lace boy shorts.
Equal Opportunity Critic
Fuck all those people who were mad that you recommended cheating for WILLIE and FS. My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship, which (as you know) is not cheating because we engage in this little thing called ācommunication.ā If youāre in a relationship where you canāt talk about sex or your sexual needs with your partner without being told youāre āselfishā and demanding too much of them, then maybe thatās not a good relationship for either of the people involved. This freak herself has had moments where I just wanted to be held, maybe get a nice foot massage, without any other kind of play going on. Know what I did? I told my boyfriend exactly that. He rubbed my feet for me. Later, he got laid. Happy ending for everyone.
I apologize for the women who abused and blamed you (and the men in their relationships) for their sexual problems. If your relationship is so bad that youāre withholding sex as a result of other problems, you maybe need to go see a counselorāboth of you. If you arenāt interested in sex, you maybe need to go see a counselor (if youāre not willing to give your spouse freedom to roam). Those are healthy options for fixing broken relationships. Blaming everything on the people with Y chromosomes is not. So on behalf of all the XXs out there who have no problem accepting responsibility for our relationship fuck-ups, Iām sorry that those women yelled at you.
AMBS
Well, the letters from WILLIE and FS got me thinking, smirking, and grimacing about my former marriage. My ex-husband was my best friend, and heās still one of my closest friendsānow that weāre not married. At first the passion, intensity, and bond that we had was unequalled by anything that I couldāve dreamed of. We shared common interests, involved each other in new aspects of life, and made possible a lifestyle that we both had only imagined. Itās funny, though, that in the end comfort didnāt always mean happiness.
Sex was great, and after a few years it got only betterāfor HIM, as long as I just lay there and didnāt make a sound, which was how he liked it. Oh, and the compliments from him abounded: āFor such a smart woman you sure are an idiot.ā Finances were always a source of entertainment, especially when heād lend substantial sums of money to people āin needā so that they could buy ATVs, cars, or trucks that were to be trashed for fun, or if he needed a ātool,ā like a new propeller for our boat, which we only used maybe twice a year for dinking around in Puget Sound.
To be honest, the failure of our marriage was both of our faultsāhim for being a control freak and me for letting him control me.
So, what did I do? I confessed that Iād met someone, but that I wanted our marriage to workācan we please go to a counselor? ANGER ANGER ANGER!!! āI donāt need some asshole to tell me thereās nothing wrong with me, and have you fucked _____?ā No, I hadnāt. The only person Iād fucked is myself, literally and figuratively. I left, married a man that loves me unconditionally, and even though our sex is 50/50 basic/adventurous, itās always exciting because thereās no bullshit involvedājust love, lust, and respect.
Content And Loving Marriage
If you can stand one more e-mail on this issue: Although I come from a devout Christian family, my mother always made it clear to my sisters and me that if we have a good and loving husband, we should be willing to give him sex even when weāre not in the mood (luckily, I have a husband whoās good at putting me in the mood). Itās a small price to pay for making someone you love happy. She also believed that you should expect a spouse to cheat if you arenāt willing to have sex with him yourself. We are Greek, and the idea that you have to accommodate your spouseās sexual needs seems to be a basic part of Mediterranean and Latin cultures. Iāve always been amazed at Anglos who think they have the right to demand faithfulness from a partner when they withhold sex. To me this seems to be a cultural, rather than a moral, issue.
Pennsylvania Girl
Iām sure you are probably over this topic by now, but that letter from Sad Cow was the saddest thing I ever read, and I just want to say to her GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!! Her experience sounds like a carbon copy of my very-brief marriageābrief due to the continued emotional abuse. Sorry boy and girl withholders, it is abusive to continually reject a person and demand monogamy. Itās the combo thatās the killer. And, yes, the effects can be as far reaching as any other type of abuse as Sad Cow tells us. My husband and I loved each other, blah blah blah, and I was personally spiraling down to a pathetic shadow of who I had been when I met him. I gained 30 pounds (which I lost in about three months after I left). My career dead-ended, and I found myself at the ripe old age of 28 looking like I was 40, and acting like I had given up on life. Something in me was luckily still kicking, and I left. Two years later I have a masters degree, my career is back on track, and frankly I look better than ever. Sadly, I am still fucked up as far as sex goes. I am terrified of experiencing that type of rejection and control again, and so I mostly spend time with electronic toys, but Iām getting there.
The point in withholding situations is that people with higher libidos are made to feel like there is something wrong with us that we canāt just be happy with this āgreat person who loves us.ā Itās bullshit. If someone steps on your toe, you tell them it hurts you, they apologize, and life moves on. If they continually step on the same toe, however, they know very well that they are hurting you by doing so. Likewise with continual sexual rejection, the infliction of pain is intentional, and the demand for monogamy is a means to control. Itās a classic abuse pattern.
Monogamy is tough, but if it is something that you want it comes with certain obligations along with its rights. If you want exclusive rights to someoneās body, you better be ready to step up and make sure that bodyās needs are met. If not you are simply using a societal convention as a means to control a person.
Monogamy Doesnāt Mean No-Gamy