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Thank a Breeder Day

November 14, 2012

Reading you over the years has absolutely changed my mind on gay marriage. I wanted to let you know that. I also live in Maryland, and, as you know, we voted last week to allow same-sex couples to legally marry. I was excited that I got to vote for marriage equality in my home state, Dan-even I agree that it's fucked up that people get to vote on the civil rights of LGBT people at all. Thanks for all your writing over the years-it's really made a difference in my love and sex life. And congrats to you and all gay people in the United States for the big wins last week in Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, and Washington State.

Just Some Straight Guy

There's something I want to say about the votes—and about the voters—in Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, and Washington State. But first I want to say this to all my fellow queers: We built this. The breakthroughs we saw last week, which included the election of the first openly gay person to the United States Senate (Wisconsin's Tammy Baldwin), we made that. LGBT people came out, fought back, and changed the world. We have a fuck of a lot left to do—repeal DOMA, pass ENDA, unfinished business with DADT (trans people are still barred from serving), defending the rights of queers around the world—but LGBT people have made tremendous progress since Stonewall. It has gotten better for us because we came out and fought to make it better. We demanded better.

Now here is what I want to say to straight people: Thank you.

I know so many straight people in Washington State, where I live, who worked unbelievably hard on the campaign to win marriage equality for their gay and lesbian friends, family members, and neighbors. I know straight people in all four states who voted, gave money, worked phone banks, and knocked on doors—all in an effort to make it possible for same-sex couples to marry.

Gays and lesbians are a tiny percentage of the population. And while we laid the groundwork for the breakthroughs we saw last week in Maine, Maryland, Washington, and Minnesota—we built this—we didn't build it on our own. The majorities in the state legislatures in Maine, Maryland, and Washington that voted to make same-sex marriage legal? Straight. The governors who signed laws making same-sex marriage legal? Straight. The overwhelming majority of people who voted in favor of marriage equality in all three states after anti-gay bigots forced public votes on our civil rights? Straight. The majority that voted against writing anti-gay bigotry into Minnesota's state constitution? Straight. And the president who took a huge political risk and came out for marriage equality before his reelection campaign? Straight. It has gotten better for us—better, not perfect—but it hasn't gotten better for us in a vacuum. It's gotten better for us because straight people have gotten better about us.

Rights are rights. They shouldn't be put up for a vote. And we shouldn't have to say "thank you" when they're recognized. The sad fact is that we have had to fight for our rights. But here's the happy fact: We didn't have to fight this one alone. Thousands and thousands of straight people stood with us and fought for us. We had help. And that's what we should thank the straight people for. Not for granting us our rights—rights are rights are rights—but for joining our fight.

Last week on my blog, I floated the idea of having a big party for all the straight people who came through for us in Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, and Washington State. But all those straight people wouldn't fit in a single ballroom. But we can fit them on a single Tumblr page. Queers? If you know a straight person in Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, or Washington—if you know a straight in any state or the District of Columbia—who donated money, phone-banked, went door-to-door, or took a political risk on our behalf, take your picture with that straight person, write a few words about what they did, and post it to www.straightupthanks.tumblr.com.

We saw a huge breakthrough in the struggle for LGBT equality last week. And it wouldn't have happened without the help of so many righteous, kick-ass straight people. I'll bet every queer person reading this knows a straight person who they should thank. I certainly do. Thank them in a public way: Go to www. straightupthanks.tumblr.com, click "submit a post," share a photo, and thank a straight ally.

Because we literally couldn't have done it without them.


I am a twentysomething bi guy who loves sucking cock. I especially enjoy when the recipient really enjoys himself (which is often) (not to gloat) (but I just did). Anyway, my problem is that I don't really enjoy receiving. I have received head from three guys, which I realize is not a large sample size, but every time it has been a nonevent. It's almost like I can't even feel a mouth on my dick. How do I fix this?

Blowjob Boredom Blues

In sex comedies, sitcoms, and porn, head is always presented as the ultimate sexual experience, but in reality, some men just don't dig head. But three cocksuckers is a pretty small sample. Let a few other guys suck your dick—let 'em fall face-first on your sword—but don't stress out if nothing changes. It could be a preference, BBB, and not a malfunction.


My wife and I have been together for 20 years. I love to receive oral, but my wife has no interest when I try to return the favor. She claims it does nothing for her. We celebrated Obama's reelection with a bottle of wine in the bedroom. When I made a move downstairs, she didn't stop me. However, she said it tickled her like crazy. Is this common? Is there something I can do to make this experience less hilarious for my wife?

What's So Funny?

Some women struggle with hang-ups or body issues that make it difficult for them to relax and enjoy being on the receiving end of oral sex. But some women who don't struggle with hang-ups or body issues simply don't enjoy receiving oral sex. If your wife is generally comfortable in her own skin and with her own body, WSF, you may have to take her word for it when she says that oral sex does nothing for her. But if it truly does nothing for her—"nothing" would include "annoy" and "turn off"—maybe she can lie back and enjoy what it does for you.


I am a 22-year-old female who's only ever achieved orgasm during fellatio, and my boyfriend will not perform fellatio on me! I have tried bringing it up during sex, but he didn't cooperate. He told me that he didn't want to do that to me because a mutual female friend told him that I didn't want him to do that to me. I did tell her that at the beginning of our relationship, but I don't feel that way anymore! I'm way too embarrassed now to ask again, because it would feel like I was begging him for fellatio. Please help me!

Need To Get Mine

Try asking your boyfriend for cunnilingus, NTGM, not fellatio. If that doesn't do the trick—if he doesn't start eating your pussy—then DTMFA.


mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage on Twitter

 

Comments (200) RSS

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200
The LGBT community has made huge strides over the last 10 years! Will only continue in my opinion. Hopefully, everybody can get over the issue, and we can all go on with our lives! I say, stick to adult toys!
Posted by adult toys for less http://www.adulttoysforless.net on October 14, 2013 at 8:35 PM · Report this
199
No matter what you can ask him. If you give him what he want, than you can take what you want. The point is share one and another. http://zenerexdrug.com/
Posted by Yama http://zenerexdrug.com/ on March 22, 2013 at 2:23 AM · Report this
198
Don't know if it's the same for What's So Funny's wife, but I find it way easier to let go, and receive the pleasures of the tongue, when there's an urgent warm cock in my mouth at the same time.
Posted by dinana on December 12, 2012 at 6:35 PM · Report this
197
Dan -
Absolutely, big props to all the straight folks who helped it happen!
I live in Canada (it's been legal up here for a few years now, as you know from personal experience!) - so those votes don't affect my life directly, but it sure made me sooooo happy on election night and the day after to see how those 4 state votes went. (And Tammy Baldwin, and on non-LGBT matters, Warren, McCaskill, and the gent who defeated Murdouch, and Rep. Tammy Duckworth....and on and on.. not to mention re-electing Obama!)
Posted by Corvicula1979 on December 7, 2012 at 9:59 PM · Report this
196
@51 and 53 (ricky2718):

I am sick to death of that obtuse argument. The scenarios are not at all comparable. The people around babies and the comatose have a CHOICE about whether to feed and care for those babies and comatose. Not to mention they're not having nutrients drained directly from their bloodstream and not being subjected to the subsequent waste products, and they're also not having their system flooded with hormones that can cause fatal reactions, having their organs crushed, or being forced to push the dependent out of a small hole at great physical risk (not to mention the many other non-desirable physical results and/or dangers).

The result of a fertilized egg is a parasite, in the most plain scientific terms, just like a bacterium or virus. At best, it's comparable to a tumor - a collection of human cells that grows really quickly at the expense of the organism it inhabits. We have no qualms suggesting that a woman may rid herself of those, certainly not any that produce the exact same deleterious effects. The one difference is that a fertilized egg could potentially turn into a fully-substantiated human (and only potentially - it could also turn into a molar pregnancy, die in utero and cause septic shock, or any other number of potentially fatal outcomes). Now you can argue all you want that we should protect "potentially human" parasites over other life forms, but that's the only argument you can make. You cannot argue that it's reasonable to expect a human to harbor a parasite just because you say so. You need to argue that it's reasonable to expect a human to harbor that particular kind of parasite over another. And I'm not saying whether it is or isn't, but that is the only logical approach to the argument.
Posted by Exasperated Sigh... on December 5, 2012 at 11:57 AM · Report this
195
@51 and 53 (ricky2718):

I am sick to death of that obtuse argument. The scenarios are not at all comparable. The people around babies and the comatose have a CHOICE about whether to feed and care for those babies and comatose. Not to mention they're not having nutrients drained directly from their bloodstream and not being subjected to the subsequent waste products, and they're also not having their system flooded with hormones that can cause fatal reactions, having their organs crushed, or being forced to push the dependent out of a small hole at great physical risk (not to mention the many other non-desirable physical results and/or dangers).

The result of a fertilized egg is a parasite, in the most plain scientific terms, just like a bacterium or virus. At best, it's comparable to a tumor - a collection of human cells that grows really quickly at the expense of the organism it inhabits. We have no qualms suggesting that a woman may rid herself of those, certainly not any that produce the exact same deleterious effects. The one difference is that a fertilized egg could potentially turn into a fully-substantiated human (and only potentially - it could also turn into a molar pregnancy, die in utero and cause septic shock, or any other number of potentially fatal outcomes). Now you can argue all you want that we should protect "potentially human" parasites over other life forms, but that's the only argument you can make. You cannot argue that it's reasonable to expect a human to harbor a parasite just because you say so. You need to argue that it's reasonable to expect a human to harbor that particular kind of parasite over another. And I'm not saying whether it is or isn't, but that is the only logical approach to the argument.
Posted by Exasperated Sigh..... on December 5, 2012 at 11:52 AM · Report this
194
The guy whose wife doesn't like receiving oral should consider altering his technique. A lot of guys these days do cunnilingus all wrong because they're imitating what they've seen in porn, which is to say, techniques that are meant to please the camera rather than the woman. The fact that his wife said it "tickled" is a huge tip-off that that's what's going on here. If his touch is so light that it tickles, how the hell is she supposed to get off? Guy needs to pull that clit in and SUCK IT!
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on November 26, 2012 at 10:05 PM · Report this
193
Oral clitoral stimulation has a lot to do with how aroused a woman is in the first place. Ya gotta work up to it. If you don't know what kind of foreplay gets your partner turned on, then muff diving is a no go. But once she is aroused, and her clitoris starts to swell, then move in. Some clits are small and hard to find, which makes stimulating them difficult. It sounds weird, but ask your wife if she might be interested in a clitoris pump - it sucks on the clit way harder than you can, and helps to engorge it and make it more sensitive. You can apply it while stimulating other erogenous zones (please tell me you know what that is, and where they are). I love oral sex combined with finger fucking and/or anal stimulation. But really, chances are she doesn't like it because you're not giving her what she wants. ASK ASK ASK.
Posted by Ms. M on November 24, 2012 at 10:12 AM · Report this
192
@191 mydriasis: Wait! Whoa! Who, besides you, said anything about a stereotype?
You're fortunate to live in a commendably forward-thinking region that has warmly embraced the LGBT community long before ours here in the states did. That's really cool.

I've long accepted the term breeder ever since Dan first coined the phrase for what it is---a jab at heterosexuals because we hets could end up with kids by having unprotected sex. I just don't use it because I feel it doesn't apply to me.
Other people posting to this week's column suggested the retiring of the term breeder, such as @42 alecto, and I simply agreed with them.
Exactly what am I reading way too much into?

Long story short, I think you're misreading way too much of what I said.
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 22, 2012 at 3:35 PM · Report this
mydriasis 191
@ griz

I think you're kind of missing the point.

Look, where I live, gay marriage has been around for years, sodomy laws were repealed back in the swingin' 60's and I was looking forward to kindergarten when the military got over itself and allowed gay people to serve openly.

But I still don't pretend that we're at a point where the focus should shift to how straight people are stereotyped.

The point of the term was never to suggest that all straight people have children - simply that they were biologically capable of doing so - STILL not accurate across the board, but a humourous jab isn't SUPPOSED to be.

Long story short, you're reading way too much into it.
Posted by mydriasis on November 22, 2012 at 4:35 AM · Report this
190
@189: ....buuuuuuut isn't the status of LGBT folks rapidly changing for the better to equal that of straight / cis people now that gay / same sex marriages have been made legal here in Washington State, and beyond? I voted to pass Referendum 74. While my one marriage was an abysmal failure, I'm not about to stand in the way of any other two people seeking holy matrimony. Anyone happily planning a family, either.

I still don't see your argument about breeders. How was I complaining? All I said was that since many heterosexuals (including myself) have simply chosen not to have kids (for WAY too many reasons to count here!), and a lot of gays and lesbians are proudly and lovingly having children, the original concept, even as a joke, seems outdated in today's society.
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 22, 2012 at 1:58 AM · Report this
mydriasis 189
@Auntie Griz

The point is, straight/cis people still enjoy a higher social status than LGBT people and that's a shame. Complaining about the term 'breeder' is kind of like complaining about all that sexism against men and all that racism against white people.
Posted by mydriasis on November 21, 2012 at 5:58 PM · Report this
188
@187: Sorry---make that "Borrowing".
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 21, 2012 at 2:27 PM · Report this
187
@175 mydriasis, and @176 seandr: Okay--I see your points, somewhat.
I realize that "breeder" is meant as a joke. However, I try not to make generalized statements, because not everybody from any one group tends to think the same way.

Bprrowing a line from Daman Wayans: when it comes to actually "breeding", THIS "Homey" don't play that!

@179 vennominon, and @180 mydriasis: What do you mean that by retiring the word, "breeder", Our Work Here is Done?
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 21, 2012 at 2:26 PM · Report this
mydriasis 186
@migrationist

Bingo!
Posted by mydriasis on November 20, 2012 at 8:18 PM · Report this
mydriasis 185
@Afinch

"men don't manscape so much"

Haha, what.
Posted by mydriasis on November 20, 2012 at 7:47 PM · Report this
seandr 184
@178: You're confusing "breeder" as a figurative reference to heterosexuals, and "breeder" as a literal reference to people (either homosexual and heterosexual) who reproduce.

Good luck with your campaign for voluntary human extinction.

Posted by seandr on November 20, 2012 at 6:27 PM · Report this
183
@182:
There's a huge difference between "80 % of women don't feel a thing from penetration ", "80 % of women don't come from penetration ever" and "80 % of women don't come from penetration only".
Somehow, I think if one of the statements above is true, it would be the last.
Posted by migrationist on November 20, 2012 at 1:37 PM · Report this
Auragasm 182
@144, You're right, just 25% of us come consistently from penetrative vaginal sex, and I don't consistently (so many factors). I DO find that if I get foreplay in the form of cunnilingus before the main course I'm more likely to have multis, and anecdotally, this holds up among my friends.

However, the last time I recieved oral without penetration right afterward, I was still a "virgin". Maybe my post-cunnilingus expectations of penetration make it easier for me to come? My partners seem to enjoy it too, so everybody wins, we like variety. But given the choice between getting head with no penetration afterward, and using my vibrator...sorry fellas.

When I see statistics like "80% of women don't feel a thing from penetration" I wonder what the hell is in it for those women, besides making her partner feel good, or babies if she's into that kind of thing. I honestly have a hard time believing it because I hang out in environments like this. I guess that's why science is still in search of the elusive G-Spot.
Posted by Auragasm on November 20, 2012 at 12:21 PM · Report this
AFinch 181
@78 & @80 - My current sweetie actually gets a full Brazilian wax job...which seems...extreme to me, but I'm definitely not complaining. While I don't love jungle bush (or especially the escaping the bikini look), trimming is good enough for me. It does make a big difference in how much hair you're getting around. No, men don't manscape so much, but then, most penises I've seen don't have a lot of hair you have to push out of the way to get to them. I don't think it's all porn-conformity pressure - a trimmed bush is much nicer to go down on.
Posted by AFinch on November 20, 2012 at 8:22 AM · Report this
mydriasis 180
@seandr

Great band. Kim Deal's fantastic.

@Ven

"Retiring the term suggests that Our Work Here is Done, which most definitely is not the case."

My thoughts exactly.
Posted by mydriasis on November 20, 2012 at 5:28 AM · Report this
179
Re: breeder -

Retiring the term suggests that Our Work Here is Done, which most definitely is not the case.

Weirdly, though, I think it would be more accurately used to describe those who have to go about the matter as if dealing with racehorses (Frankel and Goldikova, perhaps?) rather than referring to those likely to produce a pregnancy at any particular moment of intimacy.
Posted by vennominon on November 20, 2012 at 4:43 AM · Report this
178
@176 good job on the breeders. Breeder is an excellent term that is apt. People who arogantly breed more of themselves on a stolen continent selfishly, mindlessly over burdening something that does not belong to you!
Posted by scorpio of Id. on November 20, 2012 at 4:35 AM · Report this
177
Off topic: I know that we have asked Dan in the past to please write a book about teenage sexuality, for teens and for parents. If he's not doing it yet, can't we old folks thrown some sort of open-source resource together, based on all the wisdom he has out there? I've been painting in a semi-closed room, so it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Posted by fat ghost on November 19, 2012 at 10:56 PM · Report this
seandr 176
@myd, @albeit, @nocute, @etc:
I think most guys could go either way on groomed or not, with any preference being a function of what the woman they are hot for is currently doing with hers. I learned to appreciate hairy armpits from one partner (animal sexy), and a hairier than average bush (sometimes shaved, sometimes not) from a another one of Greek+Jewish decent.

Two things I've never gotten used to, however:
1) Excessive pubic hair spilling out from a bikini
2) Hairy legs, especially with sheer stockings

@Breeder:
Taking offense to "breeder" is silly. The term is ultimately a joke, just like the "kill straighty!" graffiti you sometimes see on Capitol Hill. Back in the 90's, referring to oneself as a breeder was a cute/ironic way to demonstrate you were down the gays. Letters to Savage Love would often open with "I'm a breeder boy..." or "I'm a breeder chick...", right after the "Hey, Faggot" salutation. Remember Kim Deal's band? Whether or not one has any intention to actually breed is entirely besides the point.
Posted by seandr on November 19, 2012 at 10:08 PM · Report this
mydriasis 175
@sang

Yes but she has two of them, right? And two eyes? two arms? One mouth, nose, bellybutton and vagina on the midline?

Sounds pretty symmetrical to me even if her breasts were slightly different sizes.

But I guess it's all relative.

@griz

The term breeder is like the term honkey. It's a vaguely derogatory term towards the less exploited group. I wouldn't take it too seriously or think that it's a legitimate way that all gay people think about all straight people.
Posted by mydriasis on November 19, 2012 at 7:59 PM · Report this
mydriasis 174
@nocute

I know lots of people find it erotic, and I definitely know that for a long enough time a lack of pubic hair was essentially equivalent to a lack of breasts.

I know lots of people are into mystery and I've come across the odd guy who was dismayed to see that it was missing. But I believe in grooming being a form of self expression and I love the completely naked look on myself. It's kind of trashy and innocent at the same time - I'm into that, it suits me. I used to hate the fact that I have a very young look but then I resolved to have a can't-beat-'em-join-'em attitude and work with the dirty lolita vibe I have going.
Posted by mydriasis on November 19, 2012 at 7:37 PM · Report this
unclep 173
Dear Dan (as it goes..)If anyone has an answer on this , you probably do :What's w/ Jerry Peerson's move to Cambridge, Mass. ? Love/Music,etc? I'm not getting answers to emails, so I'm trying you...an old man who's been following everything for years & years -I started w/the Mocambo in the mid fifties) we.ve certainly made PROGRESS (faster than the pilgrims did ! Keep it up - you're the 'go to' in all things gay (do you ever feel like your head will explode?)
Posted by unclep on November 19, 2012 at 3:13 PM · Report this
172
@169 nocutename

I agree that the triangle of pubic hair is alluring and holds mystery.

One of my favorite photographers, Carlo Mollino, shot polaroids of italian prostitutes in the 50s, 60s and 70s and they all feature full bush. And they are very sexy images:

http://mondo-blogo.blogspot.com/2010/07/…
Posted by albeit on November 19, 2012 at 12:50 PM · Report this
171
re @159: Everybody wants the term "breeder" retired---period?
I'm assuming this because nobody is responding to my comments
(@133, @159). Okay then. it's official. Breeder is now a wooly mammoth
gone extinct, like the Republican and Tea Parties, which is fine with me.

Back to the currently running thread...
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 19, 2012 at 10:28 AM · Report this
sanguisuga 170
@166 - Actually, it's quite often not symmetrical. My sister has one boob that's a full cup-size larger than the other. You don't really notice it when she's wearing a bra, but when they're loose, it's pretty damn obvious. I think a lot of human bodies have those little differences, some are just more obvious than others.
Posted by sanguisuga on November 19, 2012 at 9:59 AM · Report this
nocutename 169
Myd, up until porn started making the removal of pubic hair an erotic look, the pubic triangle was considered a very erotic sight. Read Henry Miller.
Look at older paintings. You'll notice female nudes from the 18th-19th centuries who have no pubic hair, which made their nudity somehow non-erotic in nature, according to the art aesthetic of the time. So the paintings were "innocent" and acceptable as art,whereas paintings that depicted nude women with pubic hair were obscene.

Perhaps the belly button draws attention to a mid point, but it's not as interesting a mid-point as that triangle between a woman's thighs. And since hair also obscures, it adds to the aura of mystery. Now I know you dislike mystery as you said in post #164, but a lot of people find it alluring.

My earlier point was to say that I appreciate for different reasons, both hairlessness and a neatly groomed small thatch of hair. One is about sensation and the other about an aesthetic ideal.
I don't think women's bodies look as beautiful, but I like the way mine feels bare, and I like to provide a clean work space. To each her own.
Posted by nocutename on November 19, 2012 at 6:56 AM · Report this
mydriasis 168
@nocute

I suppose that makes sense! But doesn't the bellybutton do the same thing?
Posted by mydriasis on November 19, 2012 at 4:51 AM · Report this
nocutename 167
@166: a focal point in the center of something draws attention to the even distribution on either side of it.
Posted by nocutename on November 18, 2012 at 9:01 PM · Report this
mydriasis 166
I have to admit, I am totally bewildered by the references to body hair's role in creating 'symmetry'.

Since when is the female(or human, for that matter) body not already symmetrical??
Posted by mydriasis on November 18, 2012 at 6:21 PM · Report this
nocutename 165
Re: body hair and its removal:
Like mydriasis, I prefer to be waxed (with perhaps a little topographical decoration to avoid the total plucked chicken look) because it makes everything feel more sensitized to me. Everything from masturbation to oral to penetration feels more intense to me when there's no barrier of hair. Waxing, though expensive, lasts a long time, and the hair grows back in softly, with no stubble. There's also no shaving rash or bumps, though I have once or twice had an ingrown hair.

But like sissoucat, I like the look of (nicely trimmed) natural hair. I like the way the inverted triangle focuses the eyes on the center of broad hips, and brings a sort of symmetry to the female form. I guess it is because I came of age before removing pubic hair became popular, and it's the look I associate with adult female nudity. I remember waiting to get that hair as a sign that I was turning into a woman.

I've adjusted my look for a partner, because I can be happy either way, but it would bother me if a partner was really insistent either way or could only find one look/feel attractive. In the end, I do what I do for me.

When it comes to my partner, a big, out of control, raging bush is not especially sexy-looking and guarantees lots of hair on the tongue when I give head, but unless you're going to shave EVERY SINGLE DAY, gentlemen, the stubble you end up with in your pubic region makes intercourse an uncomfortable act with days of irritation afterward--especially if I am waxed and my tissues are more vulnerable. A nice solution for me with the men I'm with who want to remove or manage hair is to neatly trim, but not shave, keeping the hair soft but short and controlled.

As far as beards go, some days I like to feel a little scraping during oral, and sometimes the slightest stubble is too scratchy. I always attribute it to my own hormone levels, which I think contribute to my sensitivity, too.

In any case, the point of all this, I guess, is just to further the thought that there's no "one size fits all" response--not even when there is only one responder!
More...
Posted by nocutename on November 18, 2012 at 8:35 AM · Report this
mydriasis 164
@cat

Agreed!

I'm not offended by your tastes, I think that beauty practices (or opting out of them) is a form of personal expression like what clothes you wear.

I love the way waxing heightens every feeling and the aesthetic - no coyness or mystery without pubic hair - suits me perfectly.

But I don't think women should be shaving because of societal pressures, they should be doing it because they like the way it looks or feels. And if they don't, they should let it all stay. Or they can go somewhere in between, etc.
Posted by mydriasis on November 18, 2012 at 5:58 AM · Report this
sissoucat 163
@149 My hair growth down there (and everywhere) is here to stay.

It provides a very nice cushion against tight clothes chafing my delicate places, and against unshaved chins. And I just love the way every feeling of touching it is radiated into the whole area.

I also find it pretty nice to look at. I wear all my body hair, no plucked eyebrows, nothing missing ; and when I'm naked, the places delicately shaded by my body hair are nicely symetrical and make me look like a feral slender animal ready for the prowl. Or for sex.

Ladies who prefer shaving, please don't feel offended by my tastes. Diversity is great.
Posted by sissoucat on November 18, 2012 at 1:49 AM · Report this
sissoucat 162
@UF6 I'm sorry that you were raped as a child. Nocutename advice to you seems pretty good...

I confirm that most of us on Savage Love are accepting of asexual people, and would like them to be able to identify as asexuals to their close circle and not be rejected for it.

And I don't think having sex with someone would do you any good, if you're not getting anything out of it. Being GGG is fine, but having sex when you're not interested in it, is outside of what's reasonable for "being game". Be true to yourself.

Besides, when one has suffered sexual trauma, especialy in childhood, further sex is fraught with flashbacks and bad feelings, that us sexual people have to lean to live with and manage, since we need sex to feel complete, but that never go entirely away, and are traumatising in their own right (I'm a survivor too).

So you have every reason not to have sex, the strongest being that you're asexual. If contemplating you sexual girlfriend having her needs met by someone else is too much for you, perhaps you could consider searching for an asexual girlfriend ? It would be a better match on the long run.
Posted by sissoucat on November 18, 2012 at 1:30 AM · Report this
161
@160: Hear, hear!
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 18, 2012 at 1:14 AM · Report this
160
I made my (12-year) boyfriend register to vote in this state to add one more vote to this cause. As an Atheist-straight-independent-feminist woman with no interest in marriage I would prefer there be no state sponsored marriage at all for anybody (i.e. everything should be a domestic partnership/civil union as marriage is a product of religion). Since we have it and it's here to stay, I definitely want it available to all consenting adults and I celebrate being a citizen of one of the first states to vote for equality. I agree it is ridiculous that people's human rights are even put to a vote. Since that is where we are, I can't help but be proud of Washington and feel privileged for the opportunity to help make a difference. We must end DOMA for this to be a true end to discrimination. p.s. Despite being straight, I am no breeder. Just call me happily unmarried and child-free.
Posted by pirate_wench on November 17, 2012 at 11:54 PM · Report this
159
re @133: what do those of you agreeing that the term"breeder" should be retired think of my suggestion on redefining it?
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 17, 2012 at 8:31 PM · Report this
158
@138: Ever hear of rug burn?
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 17, 2012 at 8:26 PM · Report this
mydriasis 157
@UFG

nocute nailed it.
Posted by mydriasis on November 17, 2012 at 7:46 PM · Report this
strozyk 156
Dan! For Christ's sake, it can tickle! It's hardly a dysfunction or a flaw on my part to feel tickled.
Posted by strozyk on November 17, 2012 at 4:31 PM · Report this
155
@22, you might enjoy Gentlemen Handling.
Posted by dianasquiver on November 17, 2012 at 4:04 PM · Report this
154
love you, dan, but not all straight people are breeders!
Posted by heather531 on November 17, 2012 at 12:54 PM · Report this
153
@139 Seandr

Please do. I love that you are so accommodating.

Chivalry is not dead.
Posted by albeit on November 17, 2012 at 9:27 AM · Report this
nocutename 152
UF6: I'm sorry you have had such terrible experiences. Rape is a dreadful act of violence, and if it happened to you in middle school as a way to shame and humiliate you, I hope you have not only brought charges against the school administrators (if it happened on school grounds), and against the perpetrators, but have also sought counseling support and mental/psychological help for yourself.

I have a hard time understanding your generalized rage against people who aren't asexual. Most of us don't care a whit about asexual people's lack of sex life or desire for one. I think perhaps you were expecting too much from an LGBTA support group, if you were using it as your sole means to cope with the after-effects of traumatic assault.
That's not what it is supposed to or be able to be or do. You need more help from a qualified person.

As far as having sex with your new girlfriend, if you don't have any sexual feelings, I don't think that will be very successful. Does she know that you identify as asexual? Can you be her close, loving friend and take sex off the table? Can you two share fun and deep emotional closeness? Would you be willing to do that and see her with a different man as her boyfriend, one that wants to have sex with her?
Posted by nocutename on November 17, 2012 at 9:23 AM · Report this
UF6 151
Yet out of my dislike and what I've faced. I've found two people who like me. One of them being bisexual and the other a heterosexual. In the last four weeks since my breakdown I've come out a bit and allowed to try again and seek help from others.

I've also managed to actually care for those two people that have helped me. I've also never thought I could at least "love" one of them as giving affection for.

If I haven't managed to bore anybody or turn people off from grammar issues I have; then I have a request if people aren't fuming mad from what I've said before.

I've had sex before as means to prove I wasn't actually an asexual and it just proved I was. Being a 23 year old male that just graduated from college I really have no idea about sex (I still think it's a waste of time). One of my friends who I just become their boyfriend want's to have sex with me. I've accepted the request since I like her and I actually do want to make her happy... just I have no idea how to do that.
Posted by UF6 on November 17, 2012 at 8:38 AM · Report this
UF6 150
I was told to come here by a fellow for many reasons. First I want to say I'm an asexual so I don't think I have much in common with many people here. Reading this post on homosexual marriage being allowed in another New England state is not shocking if you lived in the first state in this country to allow it.

I want to say that I still have a deep hatred of heterosexuals and homosexuals for how many of them has treated me over the years. Four weeks back I admitted to being raped in middle school and raped solely on the reason for who I am. I'm not accusing anyone outside of those who did this to. After trying to look into various LGBTA (I first thought A did mean asexual bit it really meant alley who is not asexual) only to find many of them were sexual groups only, no asexuals allowed. I find it hard for many groups I tried to join that you would treat the very majority of society as utter crap as you did to me for a populace that (claims to have) suffered intolerance at the hands of others.

But it seems when given freedom I've found you to be as horrible people as the majority of society either thinks I don't exist, faking it or think it’s a phase. I’ve been suggested in such LGBTA groups to seek the very same procedures to cure your homosexuality in the 1950’s. This leaves me with bitterness and distaste not to ever trust you guys since it really is all for you. I've come to the point that this society is not meant for me to be a part of; nor meant for me in anyway. This is a society that frets over sexuality and to the mere hilarity that you've people made a culture out of it. Then you take it a step further by worshipping it.
Posted by UF6 on November 17, 2012 at 8:11 AM · Report this
mydriasis 149
Has anyone seen pervocracy's comments on shaving vs. waxing? I found it very amusing.

Personally shaving seems like a really silly option compared to waxing but to each their own. The benefits of hair removal aren't just there for men who like to go down on ladies, the fact is, hairlessness means increased sensitivity for us as well. I'd never let mine grow back.
Posted by mydriasis on November 17, 2012 at 8:05 AM · Report this
mydriasis 148
@145

;)
Posted by mydriasis on November 17, 2012 at 6:55 AM · Report this
147
Can we get the kung fu clit master on here to describe his technique? Just in case he's got something new...
Posted by gnot on November 17, 2012 at 12:40 AM · Report this
146
If you don't like cunnilingus I get it. We'll find something else that works, or go our separate ways.

But if you do like it and don't tell me how you like it, that's on you. Clits are like snowflakes.

Posted by Steeeeverino on November 16, 2012 at 10:03 PM · Report this
145
"ticklish" means too sensitive. STOP LICKING RIGHT THERE and sneak up on it. lick anywhere else. Feels nothing? this one I don't know well, but you could use bones in your face to grind and see how that goes. And for everyone, use your whole mouth, don't just stick your tongue out. 144@hurrdahurr *spit take*
Posted by blackwinterbyrd on November 16, 2012 at 9:44 PM · Report this
mydriasis 144
@auragasm

Um, maybe we're misunderstanding eachother but if you get off from penetrative sex you ARE a minority as a woman (Dan has often cited that 80% of women do not).

@Eirene

It's not a hard and fast rule, it's more of a trend I've noticed.

@hurrdahurr

waaaaahhh
Posted by mydriasis on November 16, 2012 at 8:00 PM · Report this
143
It's All About Mydriasis, is what I've taken away from the recent few months I've been reading SL comments.
Posted by hurrdahurr on November 16, 2012 at 7:32 PM · Report this
Roma 142
85/seandr: @82: Obviously, men vary in their aesthetic tastes. If we're talking about ergonomics and user-friendliness, however, shaved is the easy winner. And there are much better things you can do with your hands than fighting back a thicket of pubic hair.

@83: One of the many surprising things I've learned on SLOG - cunnilingus doesn't seem to be as popular among women as my personal experience would suggest.


I never had a strong desire to have a girlfriend shave, nor did I ever ask one to do so. Then, I finally met a woman who did and I loved it. As you said, very user-friendly. I loved not getting pubic hairs in my mouth and loved the smoothness. The next two women after her also shaved so I got kind of spoiled and now it would be hard to go back.

Your personal experience sounds like mine. I've only been with one woman who didn't like it. She was convinced she was unappealing "down there" and, try as I might, I couldn't convince her otherwise.
Posted by Roma on November 16, 2012 at 5:34 PM · Report this
141
@136 Eirene

'How you get off best or what you find sexiest can vary over your lifetime, too. Many things that used to work for me don't any longer, and some things that never used to do a thing for me are suddenly the best ever. It's also possible to retrain neural pathways, though most people don't bother if they already have lots of stuff that works for them.'

This. I love this. You said it perfectly and it's so true.
Posted by albeit on November 16, 2012 at 5:23 PM · Report this
140
Unless you have a beard, moustache or (god forbid) goatee, meaning grown out facial hair that is soft, men must shave their stubble when going downtown because it tears up the delicate skin of the vulva.

To put it another way: ladies have you ever made out with a man with stubble? I have. And the next day, the entire lower half of your face is red and irritated? And two days after making out the irritated skin starts peeling? Not a pretty look. Now imagine the skin of your vulva is more delicate than the skin around your mouth and chin.

Gentleman, that is why we ask you to shave.
Posted by albeit on November 16, 2012 at 4:54 PM · Report this
seandr 139
@albeit: If that happens, sign me up.

OK, will do. Looks like my next available appointment is the evening of Nov 28th. Might be able to get you in earlier if I have any cancellations. ;-)
Posted by seandr on November 16, 2012 at 4:38 PM · Report this
138
To those who wax wonderful at the sight, smell, kissability of that thatch down there ...

Why have women driven men to shave their faces?
Posted by Hunter78 on November 16, 2012 at 4:09 PM · Report this
137
@132: Yes, too much vibrator action. You have the female equivalent of "the death grip" going on. Change up your routine.
Posted by hurrdahurr on November 16, 2012 at 2:28 PM · Report this
136
Those of us who legitimately don't like it are in a minority. I'm 99% sure we're the same minority that gets off from penetrative sex

Doesn't necessarily follow -- there's no law that says if you're extra responsive in one area you don't get to be in another. Life ain't fair that way. Some women can't come at all, and some can come in a bazillion different ways. How you get off best or what you find sexiest can vary over your lifetime, too. Many things that used to work for me don't any longer, and some things that never used to do a thing for me are suddenly the best ever. It's also possible to retrain neural pathways, though most people don't bother if they already have lots of stuff that works for them.
Posted by Eirene on November 16, 2012 at 1:51 PM · Report this
135
I'm with Mydriasis. Into penetration, not at all into getting oral (love giving it though). Comfortable with my body, not concerned about smells (haven't yet met a man who didn't love the smell of clean pussy) and have had orgasms from oral more than once. Still, meh.

Given a choice of getting head, giving head, or masturbating, I'd blow him, get myself off, and then go to sleep. :)
Posted by SomeRandomBroad on November 16, 2012 at 1:43 PM · Report this
Auragasm 134
"Those of us who legitimately don't like it are in a minority. I'm 99% sure we're the same minority that gets off from penetrative sex"
That's a weird hypothesis to make. I get off on all of it, and I'm not a minority.

Dude, can't the straight people offended by the term "breeder" just let them have this one epithet? Good for you for not having children and sneering at people who do (like I do), but that word is so much less derogatory than what LGBT people have been putting up with for decades. It's like a white person getting offended at being called a "cracker" or "gringo". I know you take your use of birth control VERY SERIOUSLY, but it's not really that offensive.

Posted by Auragasm on November 16, 2012 at 12:52 PM · Report this
133
@129: Spot on! I wholeheartedly agree! I'm childless by choice and while I understood the concept as Dan once put it: breeder sex is "people having babies if they're not careful" sex, it's really not so applicable a term for many of us anymore.

Actually, I think the term "breeder" should exclusively go to ignorant, bible thumping, rabid pro-life Republicans, especially those who insist on having truckloads of kids they can't afford to rear, and who insist that God will take care of it!
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 16, 2012 at 12:00 PM · Report this
132
My current husband keeps asking to do oral on me, and I just wish he would drop it. I have told him I cannot feel something as soft and weak as a tongue, and it's boring to let him go on licking away down there and I can't even feel it happening(too much vibrator action?). Also, it's hard enough getting and keeping the mood, without a long "time out"(for me) while he's working away at it all for naught.

When he's finally convinced that it's not getting me anywhere, I now have to start all over- and it sometimes takes 45 min or so to get there again.

What really works is five minutes of his voice whispering hot sexy stuff into my ear. I guess I'm just naturally aural, rather than oral.
Posted by Susan99 on November 16, 2012 at 9:10 AM · Report this
131
To DarthKelly back @91:

Some of us out here would simply ask if you have any blood-born diseases. :)

While biting someone like ME would only be good for loosing the teeth that did the deed (and if a lady wanted that level of pain in the first place she would be better off asking nicely while on her knees) you should be able to find people (male and female depending on what you prefer) that would be willing to bite your labia while simultaneously working fingers (or entire hand for that matter) inside you. Just keep on keeping on and you will find the right sexual sadist for you. :)

Posted by Romial on November 16, 2012 at 9:05 AM · Report this
130
Sign this petition to repeal DOMA!!! https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petitio…
Posted by nimsy on November 16, 2012 at 8:48 AM · Report this
129
I agree with those commenters who feel that the term "breeder", used as a pejorative for straight people, should be retired. Lots of gays are choosing to have or raise children. And lots of straight people are childless by choice. "Breeder" should refer to anyone who chooses to have kids.

No doubt much of Dan's success is due to his deliberately provocative approach. So, rather than urging him to be politically correct, I'd just suggest using or inventing a different pejorative for straights, one that doesn't imply that only heterosexuals can have children.
Posted by gays are breeders too on November 16, 2012 at 6:18 AM · Report this
mydriasis 128
@albiet

My point was, 'no no, it's not that you don't like it, it's that no one's done it RIGHT for you, yet' is a lot like 'no, no, yuo're not a lesbian, you just haven't been with the right man yet'. Same attitude.

Lots of women enjoy cunnilingus from what I know, most women I've talked to LOVE it. Those of us who legitimately don't like it are in a minority. I'm 99% sure we're the same minority that gets off from penetrative sex - in other words, I beleive it's an anatomy issue, not a 'you just aren't honest and/or comfortable with your sexuality' issue.
Posted by mydriasis on November 16, 2012 at 4:33 AM · Report this
127
@126 (re: @111): Me too!
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 16, 2012 at 2:44 AM · Report this
126
@111 mydriasis

We get it. You don't care for cunnilingus.

And no, switching teams has nothing to do with men who have no clue how to perform cunnilingus.

If men and women were more honest, maybe some progress could be made. If women felt comfortable to say what they liked (slower, more pressure, less pressure, direct, indirect, toys, fingers, etc), if men could take direction from their women graciously and gage their actions to the woman's responses, and if men could lose their assumptions (about what they saw in porn, what worked on the woman before, what they were told), maybe, just maybe, more women would enjoy cunnilingus. And even request it.

If that happens, sign me up.
Posted by albeit on November 15, 2012 at 11:09 PM · Report this
125
@46 marylandgirl

Try peeing after sex. Each time.
Posted by albeit on November 15, 2012 at 10:42 PM · Report this
seandr 124
@MisterMan: Giving head isn't about having a repertoire of secret tricks, but rather being unassuming, playful, curious, and receptive to your partner's body language.

Right, but that's more or less a (secret?) trick, isn't it? Anyway, all the stuff you listed is good, but having some ideas of things to try certainly doesn't hurt. Judging from the comments, a basic understanding of the clit isn't to be taken for granted either.

Still, it seems that with some women, you're going to get the tap no matter what you're doing down there.
Posted by seandr on November 15, 2012 at 7:19 PM · Report this
mydriasis 123
@ Sh3wn

"Except for the secret part, yes it is. I didn't say anything was secret or magical and it wasn't even kung fu.

I have a repertoire that I learned. I was taught what to do from female friends. I read about techniques online."

Women aren't all alike though, that's the point.
The things that work with most women don't do it for me, and a lot of the things that men are also INSISTENTLY told by women to not do are just the ticket in my books (and I'm not alone).
Posted by mydriasis on November 15, 2012 at 7:11 PM · Report this
Holmes 122
@102: So, would that guy have a black belt in cunnilingus?

@101: Lick the alphabet? Latin, Cyrillic, or Pinyin?
Posted by Holmes on November 15, 2012 at 6:02 PM · Report this
121
@118 & @119 zygote: Nothing like real biblical testimony to glaringly separate the people with good common sense and solid values on equality from the ignorant and easily misled idealogical doomsayers running on empty!
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 15, 2012 at 5:32 PM · Report this
120
@95: Okay, I'll bite. "What if he didn't" is stupid Monday-morning quarterbacking. LBJ *did*. Obama *did*, even if he had to do some soul-searching and even if he was of the majority mindset at the time. They evolved. The US is evolving. It happens slowly over time, not all at once (like an orgasm).

Get on board.
Posted by hurrdahurr on November 15, 2012 at 5:25 PM · Report this
119
Ricky, Ricky 2718 - you didn't pay attention in Biology 101, did you? Well, you didn't write that piece, or did you?

An zygote is not an organism.
(An individual living thing that can react to stimuli, reproduce, grow, and maintain homeostasis.)

As for the beginning of live just ask that fiction book out of the middle east, open it to its very first section and read in Genesis 2.7:
"And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul."

So the BIBLE (yep, the very authority for some) says the living soul starts with breathing.
Last time I checked, the first breath is taken right AFTER birth when OUTside - not inside - the womb.

But again, not paying attention, this time in Bible 101, appears to be rampant among certain groups.

And congrats to all who fought for common sense and equality. Looks like Ms. Liberty won't have to step down from her pedestal in NYC harbor, yet. Close call, though.

Godspeed!
Posted by Zygote on November 15, 2012 at 4:28 PM · Report this
118
Ricky, Ricky 2718 (#39) - you didn't pay attention in Biology 101, did you? Well, you didn't write that piece, or did you?

An zygote is not an organism.

As for the beginning of live just ask that fiction book out of the middle east, open it to its very first section and read in Genesis 2.7:
"And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul."

So the BIBLE (yep, the very authority for some) says the living soul starts with breathing.
Last time I checked, the first breath is taken right AFTER birth when OUTside - not inside - the womb.

But again, not paying attention, this time in Bible 101, appears to be rampant among certain groups.

And congrats to all who fought for common sense and equality. Looks like Ms. Liberty won't have to step down from her pedestal in NYC harbor, yet. Close call, though.

Godspeed!
Posted by Zygote on November 15, 2012 at 4:24 PM · Report this
shw3nn 117
@113

"Giving head (or doing anything sexual for that matter) isn't about having a repertoire of secret tricks"

Except for the secret part, yes it is. I didn't say anything was secret or magical and it wasn't even kung fu.

I have a repertoire that I learned. I was taught what to do from female friends. I read about techniques online.

I feel like your attitude is the problem. Guys feel like they should be able to figure it out for themselves and it's a failure on their part if they don't.
Posted by shw3nn on November 15, 2012 at 4:07 PM · Report this
116
To BBB, in my experience about 8 out of every 10 guys are either bad or mediocre cocksuckers, but the other 2 will rock your world. So maybe try out a few more than three before giving up.
Posted by cockyballsup on November 15, 2012 at 3:37 PM · Report this
115
Hey gays et al out there: thank you for getting Obama elected. Nate Silver says so, it must be true. http://fivethirtyeight.blogs.nytimes.com…
Posted by Grateful on November 15, 2012 at 3:19 PM · Report this
114
And don't forget about the homosexuals in Uganda, Dan. A bill before its parliament right now will make the sentences against homosexuality even tougher there, gay people could be put in prison for life, and also outlaws promotion of gay rights.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-2…
Posted by A Straight Supporter on November 15, 2012 at 3:15 PM · Report this
113
I think it's safe to agree that there are more than a few ways to give women good head, and there is no one magical Kung Fu formula that is guaranteed to work for everyone. Giving head (or doing anything sexual for that matter) isn't about having a repertoire of secret tricks, but rather being unassuming, playful, curious, and receptive to your partner's body language. A former girlfriend liked to have her clit sucked pretty hard, so hard that I was amazed I wasn't hurting her. My current lady would never get off like that, and I often find that when she's enjoying it the most, I'm mostly using my lower lip and not my tongue. Of course once you add fingers and toys into the mix, and let your mouth wander beyond the fertile crescent (I'm really, really sorry for that one, but not sorry enough to redact my stream of consciousness), new possibilities abound.
Posted by MisterMan on November 15, 2012 at 3:08 PM · Report this
112
Eh, I'm a chick who hates getting head, I find it annoying and it does nothing for me. i don't think it's because there is anything wrong with me, I just don't enjoy it. Never understood the hang ups over oral sex. If you like it, do it. If not, then don't.
Posted by Huge Liability on November 15, 2012 at 3:00 PM · Report this
mydriasis 111
@96

Isn't that kind of like saying lesbians just haven't met the right man yet?

I've had people who were excellent do the job, it just isn't my thing.
Posted by mydriasis on November 15, 2012 at 1:31 PM · Report this
110
And, we should have "thank a gay day" for re-electing Obama. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/16/us/pol…
Posted by andymell on November 15, 2012 at 12:41 PM · Report this
Auragasm 109
When somebody performs cunninglingus, is it appropriate to call it "giving head"? I use it all the time.

WSF: I love being eaten out, but sometimes if he springs it on me without any pretext and I'm not in the mood, I'll get really ticklish down there. Make sure your woman is in the mood, and that the rest of her body is nice and warm. It can get cold without skin-to-skin contact! It's been said, but if you gave her some intense digital stimulation she might not notice the tickle.

BBB: I have a hard time sucking to completion, but experience has taught me that some men's stamina is significantly lower after a night's sleep. I've had a 100% success rate with early morning BJ's...

@91, Masochist, huh? Ever had your clit sucked really hard? That shit hurts! Maybe gettting tied up and sucked violently might turn your crank?

@15, Agreed, strategic pandering, plain and simple. But it certainly helped our cause over here. I hope he comes out in support of cannabis reform too. Call your dogs off, Obeezy!
Posted by Auragasm on November 15, 2012 at 11:56 AM · Report this
shw3nn 108
Didn't happen in class. It's like a family. You socialize, you have dinner together fairly often. Your sigung is your teacher's teacher so he can be very old and wise and knowleagable.

Apparently, my husband's would spend entire dinners talking about exactly how to get a woman off.
Posted by shw3nn on November 15, 2012 at 11:13 AM · Report this
sanguisuga 107
@101 - NO! Like I said above, that's no special trick. It's annoying as hell, and distracting.
Posted by sanguisuga on November 15, 2012 at 11:04 AM · Report this
106
@102 "his sigung was obsessed with cunnilingus and taught him all sorts of special techniques."

Um, what? That's a thing? Kung fu teachers stress cunnilingus skills in class? Did they do special exercises, to strengthen their tongue muscles?

Posted by EricaP on November 15, 2012 at 10:42 AM · Report this
105
Regarding "What's So Funny?"'s dilema:

Perhaps instead ask "Hey honney, I LOVE your blowjobs, what kind of thing can I do for you when I'm feeling like 'servicing' you that you'd dig?"
Posted by uberdude on November 15, 2012 at 9:44 AM · Report this
104
I watched Life of Brian with the g/f last night. There's a full-frontal shot of a woman with a full bush. I prefer the lawn mowed but my g/f loved it, talking later that night during sex about how she'd like to plant her face in one sometime in the future. And as I said above, she loves it when I'm sporting stubble as well.
Posted by repete on November 15, 2012 at 9:11 AM · Report this
shw3nn 103
@101 "Lick...over the entire vulva"

QED

Is this a preference of mine?

Are there women who want this?
Posted by shw3nn on November 15, 2012 at 8:59 AM · Report this
shw3nn 102
@40 That is exactly what I was thinking. I have only ever been with one guy who knew how to do it.

When I say, "knew how to do it" I'm not talking about knowing some special technique. I mean, "knew that the tongue goes on the clitoris". OR "could locate the clitoris."

That whole "make love not porn" is most important in this area, I think. Every guy I was with gave me head the way they do in porns. They just lick all around and up inside.

Every time I tried to tell them they were doing it wrong, they never tried again. I have Asperger's. I may have seemed mean or something.

Then I met a guy who studied kung fu and his sigung was obsessed with cunnilingus and taught him all sorts of special techniques. It was like I had spend my whole life eating brown rice and steamed veg then somebody took me to the best restaurant in Paris.

I married that guy.
Posted by shw3nn on November 15, 2012 at 8:53 AM · Report this
101
THIS IS MY NEVER SHARED SECRET FOR GIVING PERFECT FEMALE HEAD!!!!! BUT YOU MUST !!!NEVER!!! TELL THAT THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!!

Lick upper case letters of the alphabet with your tongue, sometimes large over the entire vulva and sometimes smaller on the clit. Women seem to enjoy the letters L through P and S through Z. Other script present interesting opportunities.

Sometimes I do the alphabet backwards and forwards when I get a good response in an area of it, and occasionally pick a secret word to spell on my lovers pussy...
Posted by funfunfun on November 15, 2012 at 8:37 AM · Report this
sissoucat 100
@Michael_M #82 : purrr...
Posted by sissoucat on November 15, 2012 at 7:28 AM · Report this
99
@13 - That is a great quote- thanks for sharing. ;-)
Posted by sweet g on November 15, 2012 at 7:07 AM · Report this
98
WSF,

I am a woman who really loves sex but really hates receiving oral sex from men and women. I'd say that it probably could have just stayed at "gets nothing out of it" except for having had the issue pressed over the years by "well you just haven't had ME eat your pussy, before" types who then expect me to console their bruised ego when, like clockwork, it does nothing for me, again.

HOWEVER, what I have found is that people kissing and licking my hip bones feels mind blowingly awesome and makes me make all of the faces and noises you see in sex comedies that imply that oral sex is the ultimate experience.

Like the guy above who doesn't like head, when it's on my pussy I can barely feel a mouth there, and to the extent that I can I really dislike how it feels. But move a few inches to the right or left and it is unfettered ecstasy. You might want to give it a try (true for people who aren't wired like this, too).
Posted by sweet g on November 15, 2012 at 7:03 AM · Report this
97
@90 Aviana

'i was with a guy for over 6 months and eventually gave up trying to teach him.'

So sad. So common.
Posted by albeit on November 15, 2012 at 6:37 AM · Report this
96
@85 Seandr

I think the biggest reason most women are 'meh' about cunnilingus is that most men don't know what they are doing down there.
Posted by albeit on November 15, 2012 at 6:33 AM · Report this
Christopher K. Starr 95
Obama took a big risk to express support for gay marriage? You're kidding, right? If you recall, Biden manipulated him into it. If it had been up to Obama, he might still be hedging on the question. What a long way down we have come. Can you imagine if LBJ had remained ambivalent on voting rights for black people until Hubert tricked him into taking sides?
Christopher K. Starr
St Augustine, Trinidad & Tobago
Posted by Christopher K. Starr http://www.ckstarr.net on November 15, 2012 at 3:46 AM · Report this
94
The column made me laugh and cry at the same time.

And then all this talk about preferences. Work it out amongst yourselves or take my sage wisdom: shaving makes faces and other parts spiky unless it's done religiously. Trimming or leaving it alone makes things soft. Spiky, soft, disciplined, these are your three choices unless you are very very lucky. Learn how a clit works, where the G-spot is, love your vibrator but realize that it's the lady version of the death grip (as a wise man once said: switch up your routine.)
Posted by SifuMark on November 14, 2012 at 11:45 PM · Report this
93
It can TOTALLY tickle. Try being less direct by letting her keep her underwear on when you go down on her and licking/sucking thru the cloth. Another thing that can help is using your fingers insider her at the same time to distract her/desensitize her from the feel of your tongue until she is closer to orgasm when you can be more direct on with her clit.
Posted by randomdyke on November 14, 2012 at 10:59 PM · Report this
92
I don't know if this has been touched on yet; too many comments to weed through...

Ticklishness is a good sign, but indicates a failure to relax. When a person relaxes and the touch is right, that "ticklish area" reveals itself as an erogenous area.

I had a friend years ago whose ticklishness was impairing his sexual enjoyment. After I took the time to explain ad show him, he was able to enjoy healthy, normal sexual relations. All it takes is patience and trust.
Posted by Architeuthis on November 14, 2012 at 10:41 PM · Report this
91
To WSF:

As a masochist, cunnilingus generally doesn't do much for me. People often do not believe me when I tell them to bite on the clitoris or labia. So, a lot of times, it's just too gentle for me.

Also, despite this idea that attention to the external portion of the clitoris is the best way to stimulate a woman, some of us just want to be penetrated. For those of us who enjoy vaginal stimulation (really, stimulation of the internal portion of the clitoris) rather than external clitoral stimulation, the use of fingers during oral sex is necessary for us to actually be stimulated.

There's a lot of variety to vulvae, so it's not irregular for a woman to just not enjoy oral sex.
Posted by DarthKelly on November 14, 2012 at 10:16 PM · Report this
90
some guys simply dont know what to do down there, even if you tell and show them a number of times. i really enjoy cunnilingus, but only from those who have an idea of what they are doing. i was with a guy for over 6 months and eventually gave up trying to teach him
Posted by Aviana on November 14, 2012 at 10:07 PM · Report this
89
@83 Well said:)
Posted by tachycardia on November 14, 2012 at 9:54 PM · Report this
seandr 88
@zey: In the comments of pretty much every Savage Love article, ricky2718 posts a link to an off topic pro-life propaganda piece with a leader like "Golly gee, check this out, it really got me thinking."

He's working as a missionary and/or an SEO consultant trying to raise the page rank of his web site. Not sure if it's SPAM, but it definitely ain't bacon.
Posted by seandr on November 14, 2012 at 9:20 PM · Report this
87
Can't believe I'm only the 2nd person to say this: Dammit Dan, you're Tumblr made me cry.
Posted by chi_type on November 14, 2012 at 9:05 PM · Report this
86
Hey Dan, glad I could help out, if only financially! I'm so proud of our state!

WSF: maybe try switching it up a bit. I know I come a lot more easily from oral if there's something penetrative going on as well, for example. 1 finger can make a big difference!
Posted by noth on November 14, 2012 at 8:47 PM · Report this
seandr 85
@82: Obviously, men vary in their aesthetic tastes. If we're talking about ergonomics and user-friendliness, however, shaved is the easy winner. And there are much better things you can do with your hands than fighting back a thicket of pubic hair.

@83: One of the many surprising things I've learned on SLOG - cunnilingus doesn't seem to be as popular among women as my personal experience would suggest.
Posted by seandr on November 14, 2012 at 8:44 PM · Report this
84
I'm the same way as BBB: love giving head, but find receiving it is just OK. I've never been bothered by this. But I'd remind BBB to be GGG and let his partners give him head if it pleases them: after all, they may get off on it the same way he gets off on giving head to them!
Posted by NotBotheringWithAccountToday on November 14, 2012 at 8:20 PM · Report this
mydriasis 83
Cunnilingus? Yawn.
Posted by mydriasis on November 14, 2012 at 8:12 PM · Report this
82
@71: Like anything else, there are a wide variety of opinions on this. I, for one, much prefer going down on a nicely furred pussy. The fur frames the vulva and emphasizes its beauty, and also collects and magnifies the exquisite scent! In most cases, it stays nicely out of the way of the tongue, and if necessary I can use my hand to hold the lips open and give me clear access.
Posted by Michael M on November 14, 2012 at 8:06 PM · Report this
81
Another tip from a sex-positive female who is cunnilingus-indifferent: make sure it's warm in the room, and even more so in the area you'll be working in. One of the things I really don't enjoy about the experience is that, between the saliva and my own moisture, it all gets pretty wet. Cold air hits it and - *shudder* - now everything has gone cold and wet.
Clammy.
Nope. Don't think I'll ever be a fan.
Posted by DF on November 14, 2012 at 7:38 PM · Report this
80
78: The solution to that issue is a close trim with clippers. I use my husband's beard trimmer.
Posted by hurrdahurr on November 14, 2012 at 7:22 PM · Report this
79
@78: SORRY!!!! Oops---I MEANT "pubic" hair!!!!
Oh, God, what a bad typo!! This has got to be a Stranger Classic!!

Okay....excuse me while I quietly go die of em-bare-ass-ment (this time, the pun IS intended)!
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 14, 2012 at 7:08 PM · Report this
78
@71: Ingrown public hair an still become a coarse, stubbily problem, though. I'm just saying.
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 14, 2012 at 7:05 PM · Report this
77
Funny how people are all het up about gay rights when WOMEN (which, you may recall, comprise half the population) barely have rights: we STILL get paid LESS than men for comparable work and our reproductive rights are constantly under threat. I'll save my sympathy for my own gender, thanks, even if they are all TOO STUPID to comprehend their situation (they will get all het up about their 'right' to dress like sluts but the fact of 'pay inequality' bothers them not at all)
Posted by JennaTalia on November 14, 2012 at 6:57 PM · Report this
76
Dan, you forgot to mention the first openly bisexual Representative-elect: Kyrsten Sinima from (of all places) Arizona. I count that as another gain for LGBTQ!
Posted by MoodyMoody on November 14, 2012 at 6:54 PM · Report this
75
22: When you find it, let me know!
Posted by hurrdahurr on November 14, 2012 at 6:42 PM · Report this
74
Hubby didn't really care about blowjobs either when I met him. He'd had a few partners who had tried but no one who'd made him come. Some persistence and learning preferences on my part later, and it was all "achievement unlocked!"

It's still not a sure-fire thing, though. Sometimes it happens and sometimes I need help. I'm always glad to get it.
Posted by hurrdahurr on November 14, 2012 at 6:39 PM · Report this
73
@WSF,
Oral started to be pleasurable for me the moment I found out where my clitoris is. For me it was kind of late-early (25 is late to start masturbating for some girls, but still early enough to enjoy a lifetime of great orgasms:). It takes around 10-15minutes to get me off, but it is the best.

Maybe your wife also could discover something new about herself, keep on trying out new stuff:)
Posted by EvaApple on November 14, 2012 at 5:38 PM · Report this
72
@22 most masturbation vids are of gay men. You want solo. Go to passionatevod.com and look at the gay tab. Straight porn doesn't take that aspect of het female preference onto account.
Posted by Forgot password on November 14, 2012 at 5:17 PM · Report this
seandr 71
@8: While we're on the subject, shaved pussies are much more lickable.
Posted by seandr on November 14, 2012 at 5:10 PM · Report this
seandr 70
"she said it tickled her like crazy. Is this common?"

Yes it is, on some women, if you go directly for the clit before it's properly aroused.

Start out licking along the sides, firmly but gently if she's ticklish, and avoid direct contact to the head (or whatever you call it) until you feel it swell. You can also mess around in the area just south of the clit, coming close but not touching until ready.

Make sure she tells you if anything you're doing starts to feel good or not good. Odds of success increase with her buy-in on the project.
Posted by seandr on November 14, 2012 at 5:04 PM · Report this
69
In my vast experience - wait, I mean - in personal studies I have conducted over several+ decades, uncut men, generally, enjoy having their dick sucked significantly more than cut men. Perhaps because uncut dicks have more pleasure receptive nerves? I report; I suck. This has been your Duh of the week.
Posted by parisimo on November 14, 2012 at 4:53 PM · Report this
68
WSF,
I don't know why everyone automatically assumes the woman must have body issues or hang-ups. I never had either of those but my ex going down on me often made me laugh because I was uncomfortable with him in general. I found him to be unattractive and annoying unless I was really drunk, and the giggles were a product of my embarrassment. I had to laugh to keep from crying. He should assess whether theres anything he's doing, or not doing, that is making her uncomfortable. Beard stubble is an obvious first issue to consider.-That shit either tickles or hurts, depending on how hard he buries his face in it.
Posted by briweb@mac.com on November 14, 2012 at 3:37 PM · Report this
67
@BBB - tell them to add a hand to the job. It would make a big difference. :D
Posted by subwlf on November 14, 2012 at 2:50 PM · Report this
sanguisuga 66
For me, oral never used to do a damn thing. It was vaguely irritating, just random slobbering or the infamous "alphabet trick". Which isn't a trick at all, btw. The guys who were vocal about their "talents" failed the most miserably. The guy I'm with now didn't brag or anything, he was just really into it and after a couple minutes, so was I. Never before had I come from head, but he made it happen, and it didn't take long, either. And I suddenly knew what all those other women had been going on about... Sometimes, your partner may truly not be into it. And sometimes, your partner just hasn't experienced the right guy. Maybe you're not the right guy. Sorry.
Posted by sanguisuga on November 14, 2012 at 2:40 PM · Report this
65
@43 (and others talking about women who are too ticklish for oral) --

Does it help if the oral comes after she has her first orgasm? I don't get the ticklish thing, but if oral starts when I'm not already aroused, it can definitely be irritating.
Posted by EricaP on November 14, 2012 at 2:14 PM · Report this
64
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/684685…

Hey Dan, I hope you've seen this video and that everyone else on the site checks it out too. A hilarious reason to make gay marriage legal for all. "If you don't legalize gay marriage, we will marry the shit out of your girlfriend!"
Posted by vegasyogagrl on November 14, 2012 at 1:40 PM · Report this
63
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/684685…
Dan, I hope you've seen this video. What an excellent threat..."Don't want to approve gay marriage? we will marry the shit out of your girlfriend!"
Posted by vegasyogagrl on November 14, 2012 at 1:35 PM · Report this
62
If every fertilized ovum is a distinct human being, then an abortion or stillbirth represents the same loss of life as where a zygote naturally fails to implant in the uterus and is washed away with the menstrual flow.

For those who believe that God creates and ends all life, is God then a major league abortionist? (As in failures to implant and naturally occurring miscarriages)
Posted by not guilty on November 14, 2012 at 1:16 PM · Report this
61
I voted yes on 74,and I'm straight. I grew up in Ann Arbor, MI, the most liberal town in the midwest. Even within an atmosphere of extraordinary acceptance, my gay friend David was harrassed out of the closet at 14. Once he admitted he was gay to his stepdad, the stepdad threw him out of the house. David was 14, and it was January in Michigan.

Our group of friends helped him through it with housing, food and support, but it's impossible to forget my lovely friend and his pain at this situation.

There have been other incidences of hate and insult to my gay friends over the years, but David is why I've always supported my gay friends and their rights.

They say that the young voters made the difference this time. I'd like to say that some of us older farts did, too. I'm 50 and am thrilled to see the tide turn to true equality for all.
Posted by anita772 on November 14, 2012 at 12:28 PM · Report this
60
@ 22 lavenderblue You've discribed my fetish! Except, I'm on the other side, always looking for an audience. If only there was some way we could help each other out...hm...
Posted by Havok on November 14, 2012 at 12:21 PM · Report this
59
Dan, I would go to bat in a heartbeat for anyone who is gay, because to me they're not gay, they're another human being with certain likes and preferences who is beautifully different, as we are all beautifully different. We are all people worthy of being respected and treated equally, and loving who we love. I will vote, I will support, I will step in and take a swing for someone getting the crap kicked out of them by bigots! The problem is we are all so quick to classify each other. The minute a boundary is broken another one goes up. Calling someone a breeder is a great example of this. I'm not going to go into semantics about the word breeder or how much it hurts to be called that in a public place and then laughed at as if there was something wrong with you. Just think on this: all the people who respect you, listen to your advice, and look up to you as a role model. All those people have now been sent the message that Dan Savage calls straight people breeders. Dan Savage just put up a wall, wrongly classified a group of people, for the sake of titling a column. And no, we shouldn't have to thank anyone for our rights, it's a sad situation when people are saying "You Should thank me" for something like this. The fact remains that as long as we keep on separating ourselves with offensive, catchy titles and nicknames, there will never be equality on any front.
Posted by another human being on November 14, 2012 at 11:32 AM · Report this
58
True that, 55. What's so Funny may be going too fast. If my guy dives right in, I'm prone to giggling fits. But, if you start very slowly - working from the legs or belly inward - I won't be nearly as ticklish.
Posted by ermaloff on November 14, 2012 at 11:19 AM · Report this
57
You should suggest WSF read a book called "She Comes First". It's a great book that goes through the female anatomy and discusses different techniques for performing oral sex on a woman. The "it tickles" could be because she's nervous. Personally, I'm a woman who (luckily) orgasms easily and I LOVE to receive oral. But the guy going down on me has to be into it. He has to love it, or it won't do anything for me but make me uncomfortable.
Posted by SMRPVD on November 14, 2012 at 11:14 AM · Report this
56
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Dan, you changed my opinion on LGBT rights. That's not entirely true, because before I started reading you I was a college kid who didn't really have an opinion on homosexuality, and I frankly didn't care to. Reading your column (and opening up my eyes a little bit) made it obvious to this straight Christian that LGBT rights are the next step in civil rights. You built that, and thank you for doing so.
Posted by mojo4395 on November 14, 2012 at 10:23 AM · Report this
55
Dan, I think you missed the point of WSF's question, which is how to get it to stop tickling. Then again, I daresay I've spent more time doing that than you have, and I can't recall ever getting that reaction, so I'm not sure what advice you could have given. I guess "try doing everything more slowly, and with a bit more pressure (but just a bit)".

Unfortunately, I live in a state that hasn't yet put SSM on the ballot, but I certainly will support it if/when I can and I'm thrilled about the four victories last week.

@8, my fiancee is definitely a fan of the stubble down there. I noticed at least one other comment to that effect, so it's a minority of more than one.

Posted by Brett Alan http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/best_songs-Power-Pop.html on November 14, 2012 at 10:16 AM · Report this
54
Dan, let me offer my congratulations also for the outcome in Washington and the other gay rights battleground states. Well done! But, I need you and your readers help in finding something: I can't for the life of me find Dan Cathy's announcement that he is closing all the Chick fil a restaurants in Maine, Maryland and Washington since those godless people voted for same-sex marriage. (Minnesota is on the bubble since it isn't actually legal for gays to marry). Surely that saintly motherfucker's principles won't allow him to make money off these immoral hordes. Please post the link if you can find it.
Posted by Slick50 on November 14, 2012 at 10:10 AM · Report this
53
And a comatose patient is dependent on others for survival. It is not independent. He/She may depend on machines at the hospital, but those machines, as well as the hospital bed, cost money, money which comes from the efforts of others.
Posted by ricky2718 on November 14, 2012 at 10:08 AM · Report this
Foggen 52
That last question started out sounding way more interesting than it was.
Posted by Foggen on November 14, 2012 at 9:59 AM · Report this
51
Zey:

"it was an interesting essay, but the whole thing is grounded on the idea that a zygote is an independent organism. A zygote is not independent! And i reserve the right to decide what can use me to become independent."

Neither is a newborn baby independent. A newborn baby depends on other humans in order for it to be fed, clothed, protected by the elements and other animals, etc. Does that mean we, or the state, reserves the right to decide what can use us, or the state, to become independent?

True, a zygote does depend on the woman's body for survival, but that doesn't change what the zygote is: a new human organism that has just begun its development.
Posted by ricky2718 on November 14, 2012 at 9:58 AM · Report this
50
Hello Dan! I am Mexican and for many reasons I grew up bicultural so I am very much in touch with the American way of life. I am a 43 year-old female, totally supportive of any way of life a human chooses to live with honesty and equality. I am also an OBGYN and I have been reading your column for quite some time now, it has taught me a lot, so thank you from the bottom of my heart! I would really like to commend you on your magnificient and very intelligent way of approaching sexuality and all the other issues that surround it. I can only hope that the humans in my country and all around the world keep moving towards this way of living. Thank you for your efforts towards equality for all. Congratulations. MXOBGYN
Posted by MXOBGYN on November 14, 2012 at 9:51 AM · Report this
49
Hello Dan, I am Mexican, for many reasons I grew up bicultural and I am very much in touch with the American Life.I am a 43-year old, straight, Gynecologist and I have been reading your column for quite some time, it has taught me a lot! I admire your intelligence and totally commend you for approaching sexuality in such a wholesome and truthful way. I hope the humans in my country continue to move towards that way of living. Thank you for sharing your mind and working so hard for equality. Congratulations! MXOBGYN
Posted by MXOBGYN on November 14, 2012 at 9:36 AM · Report this
48
@27 I'm not exactly sure we're on the same page regarding which are rights, privileges or duties and to what extent they should be inalienable but I think you're missing the key part about "voting on rights"...

It is fucked up to allow the majority to reserve and acknowledge rights, privileges and duties for themselves, but deny them to some minority.

Now clearly this is not absolute, as it is reasonable to deny felony prisoners the right to freely travel between the states. On the other hand, I am not sure we are well served denying them the rights and duties of voting or serving on juries.
Posted by Prehaps A Salve For Your Butthurt? on November 14, 2012 at 9:32 AM · Report this
47
Dan, your letter made me cry! I've long believed that it's simply ridiculous that everyone doesn't have the same rights as me, and I'll fight until there's full equality (which I'm confident that I'll see in my lifetime). I appreciate all that you do to educate people about love, sex, and relationships, and the work you do on behalf of LGBTQ youth. Thanks goes both ways! : )
Posted by Vienna76 on November 14, 2012 at 9:17 AM · Report this
46
Some women (like me) just don't like cunnilingus. It has nothing to do with the skill level of the giver. I don't like the feeling if something soft (like a tongue) down there, I don't like the wetness of the saliva, and I find it extremely uncomfortable (almost painful) if the tongue comes in direct contact with my clit, so I am always tensed for that and ready to redirect if it happens. Nothing about it turns me on. My husband likes it, and I will occasionally let him do it, but I'm not big into faking pleasure (I faked orgasms with a partner in my youth and it was a disaster) so I just kind of lie there, which kind of defeats the purpose for him.

Oh, and I usually have discomfort the next day from an imbalance and have to take probiotics for a couple says after. If it was pleasurable for me, it would be worth it, but...
Posted by marylandgirl on November 14, 2012 at 9:10 AM · Report this
45
ricky2718; it was an interesting essay, but the whole thing is grounded on the idea that a zygote is an independent organism. A zygote is not independent! And i reserve the right to decide what can use me to become independent.
Posted by zey on November 14, 2012 at 9:01 AM · Report this
44
To 39: It is an interesting essay with one problem, a zygote is not an independent organism. The whole idea is based on it though, so it crumbles.
Posted by zey on November 14, 2012 at 8:52 AM · Report this
43
To: "What's so Funny?"

I'm a female and I love oral sex. However, I've had two girlfriends come and talk to me about how they just can't enjoy it with their BFs/FWBS/what-have-yous because it tickles!

Here's my advice: Sometimes when you stimulate the clit directly it is a strange overwhelming, slightly pleasurable, slightly uncomfortable feeling. While it doesn't feel like being tickled it kind of produces the same reaction. Begin my using the tip of your tongue AROUND her clit. When you touch her clit, loosen your tongue and let it just softly glide across. You've got to warm the clit up and expose it before it can handle the intensity of direct stimulation from the tongue. It's kinda like if I just started death gripping your dick with my hand and rubbing it out for dear life. You might not enjoy it as much.

Good luck - and remember that laughter is only a skip and a hop away from an orgasm. It's basically just an involuntary expression of pure joy.
Posted by eden77 on November 14, 2012 at 8:43 AM · Report this
42
Really don't like the term "breeder" and don't think it's accurate either in this situation. All straight people aren't "breeders." Many gay people are "breeders" and have offspring. "Breeder" is a term used derogatorily by hateful child-free assholes trying to convince themselves that their lifestyle is better.
Posted by alecto on November 14, 2012 at 8:31 AM · Report this
41
For WSF - I'm sorry to say but it sounds like you just have no clue how to perform cunnilingus. Maybe what you've done in the past on other women worked, but it doesn't work on your wife. Admit that you are the one who has the problem and get her to relax enough to figure out what she likes. I had "cunnilingus" performed on me by several different men - only two of whom have been able to bring me to orgasm. The other guys just had no clue what they were doing. To be fair, I was inexperienced and wasn't able to give them pointers. Does your wife masturbate her clitoris? If she doesn't, she should. Maybe that would help her guide you to the right point of getting her off with your mouth.
Posted by cosmosfactory on November 14, 2012 at 8:28 AM · Report this
40
For WSO - I'm sorry to say but it sounds like you just have no clue how to perform cunnilingus. Maybe what you've done in the past on other women worked, but it doesn't work on your wife. Admit that you are the one who has the problem and get her to relax enough to figure out what she likes. I had "cunnilingus" performed on me by several different men - only two of whom have been able to bring me to orgasm. The other guys just had no clue what they were doing. To be fair, I was inexperienced and wasn't able to give them pointers. Does your wife masturbate her clitoris? If she doesn't, she should. Maybe that would help her guide you to the right point of getting her off with your mouth.
Posted by cosmosfactory on November 14, 2012 at 8:27 AM · Report this
39
Hey Everyone and you too, Mr. Savage:

Check out this really cool essay!

http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2012/1…
Posted by ricky2718 on November 14, 2012 at 8:27 AM · Report this
38
To WFS: I'm a lady who's super ticklish around the thighs. Depending on the kind of ticklish one is, it could be something that is always as issue, or if you're 100% focused on something else, it's not really a problem. There are times I absolutely cannot stop laughing when someone goes down on me, but that's when I'm distracted. Really focusing on the experience and relaxing has helped me lots, wild ticklishness otherwise notwithstanding.
Posted by neverendingness on November 14, 2012 at 8:25 AM · Report this
37
shit
Posted by repete on November 14, 2012 at 8:24 AM · Report this
36
For the guy whose woman who doesn't like receiving oral because it tickles- does she shave? Because it didn't feel good for me until I shaved down there. Now it's great!
Posted by JasJ on November 14, 2012 at 8:15 AM · Report this
35
@8: I understand your position but my g/f actually prefers stubble when I go down on her. Diff'rent strokes.
Posted by repete on November 14, 2012 at 8:15 AM · Report this
34
@*: I understand your position but my g/f actually prefers stubble when I go down on her. Diff'rent strokes.
Posted by repete on November 14, 2012 at 8:14 AM · Report this
33
I started reading Savage Love because I was kinky and curious about sex and although I've always been open-minded about sex, reading this column has educated me on the gay issues and made me an advocate for gay rights. So don't just thank the straights Dan, thank yourself too.

I visited that Tumblr page. Big, manly straight guy that I am, some of the stories there had my eyes watering a bit. If the people I argue with over gay issues here in Kansas could read those stories and see the personal impact such legislation has they would be advocates too.
Posted by repete on November 14, 2012 at 8:11 AM · Report this
nocutename 32
@30: Given the misspelling of "Petraeus," I'm going with typo. But what a hilarious Freudian slip!
Posted by nocutename on November 14, 2012 at 7:55 AM · Report this
31
Individuals have fought for these rights for years and years. Individuals have been brutalized in the process --have lost their jobs, have lost their families and have lost their communities. Individuals have risked personally and professionally so that current and future generations might have the human rights to which we are all due. In my estimation we need a page to thank all of the heroes who have gotten us to this point. A page recognizing those who have risked in local communities , as well as those who have risked and fought on a national scale. This page might have the faces of queer individuals and straight individuals. I do not need to differentiate. I am grateful to all of these individuals. I am not unduly grateful to straight individuals. If straight individuals see this as their fight, as our fight, they will not feel any less appreciated by a page that acknowledges all. To distinguish seems to me to simultaneously diminish the physical, psychological, professional and personal risk that queer individuals have taken for years and position us as needing to be grateful for our human rights. I have never needed special acknowledgment when I have fought for the rights of groups with whom I did not share the same subject position. Let us create a page acknowledging and thanking all, queer and straight, for this should be and has been our fight. Dan's need to continually contextualize the argument for a page thanking straight allies is in part an indication that this does indeed position gays as separate from our straight allies. We are not separate.
Posted by Identity on November 14, 2012 at 7:41 AM · Report this
30
"Nothing about Patreus? All I can say is thank God he wasn't gay. Then he would have been open to blackmale"

Typo, or best pun ever?
Posted by Tessiee on November 14, 2012 at 7:39 AM · Report this
29
Individuals have fought for these rights for years and years. Individuals have been brutalized in the process --have lost their jobs, have lost their families and have lost their communities. Individuals have risked personally and professionally so that current and future generations might have the human rights to which we are all due. In my estimation we need a page to thank all of the heroes who have gotten us to this point. A page recognizing those who have risked in local communities , as well as those who have risked and fought on a national scale. This page might have the faces of queer individuals and straight individuals. I do not need to differentiate. I am grateful to all of these individuals. I am not unduly grateful to straight individuals. If straight individuals see this as their fight, as our fight, they will not feel any less appreciated by a page that acknowledges all. To distinguish seems to me to simultaneously diminish the physical, psychological, professional and personal risk that queer individuals have taken for years and position us as needing to be grateful for our human rights. I have never needed special acknowledgment when I have fought for the rights of groups with whom I did not share the same subject position. Let us create a page acknowledging and thanking all, queer and straight, for this should be and has been our fight. Dan's need to continually contextualize the argument for a page thanking straight allies is in part an indication that this does indeed position gays as separate from our straight allies. We are not separate.
Posted by Identity on November 14, 2012 at 7:39 AM · Report this
28
And now it's time to stop calling straight people "breeders." I know you were using the word kind of jokingly, Dan, but to say that all straights, and only straights, are "breeders," is to fall in line with too many of the arguments of the religious right. (The arguments being that only breeding sex is okay and if you are het you are automatically having good breeding sex no matter how old you are, what time of month it is, etc.) If "breeders" are people who have biological children, that obviously includes people of every sexual orientation, and plenty of them. Please reserve the word "breeder" for discussions about overpopulation (or dogs).
Posted by Drusilla on November 14, 2012 at 7:10 AM · Report this
27
"it's fucked up that people get to vote on the civil rights of LGBT people at all"

Can we stop this bullshit, please -- the bullshit in which SSM is supposedly the only way in which rights are violated or restrained in our democracy? I'm straight, and people of all and no sexual persuasions vote on my rights all the time. Can I smoke pot? Can I sell my organs? Can I marry two people? Can I trade sex for money? Can I gamble? And on.

I'm a libertarian. American democracy is, regrettably, an exercise in everyone's rights being restrained at the whim of the majority. We come up with scads of reasons for why we do it (for the children! for safety! for your own good!), but we do it. I don't understand how this ridiculous myopia began in which opposition to gay marriage became the *only* way in which this happens, and it only happens to GLBTs. Focus your energies on legalizing SSM, and celebrate your victories. But don't pretend that every single American, of any sexual stripe, isn't having his or her own rights violated every day.
Posted by Rocket Queen on November 14, 2012 at 6:53 AM · Report this
26
hi dan,
I'm Agnes from Paris France. A friend of mine Told me tor ead some of your work, which i just did! i love it, this is so funy!
trust me when i say That women in France are just trapped by a Judeo Christian education intellectually forbidding any sexual freedom
J was lucky thanks to a relational therapy for my problems with my mother, to be able to totally free sexually.
C is fun to see how much difference is there as the enjoyment of the way ... I am personally convinced that women can enjoy all the ways vaginal and clitoral. everything is let go and the well-being ....
J am 44 years old now and I'm enjoying my sex life completely!
Some of my sexfriends me ingredient that I love as a man, that they are prudes!
Anyway I wanted to reassure you, in France there are also stuck in the ass!
See you soon
Agnes
Posted by agnes on November 14, 2012 at 6:39 AM · Report this
25
Dan, you forgot the first openly bisexual member of Congress: Kyrsten Sinema.
Posted by MoodyMoody on November 14, 2012 at 4:01 AM · Report this
24
@ 22 lavender b. Many of Dan's readers and listeners are getting older, like Dan. You have a valid issue. If you would familiarize yourself with his podcast, you should call Dan on the p. cast phone line. He can help you and other people with age related sex issues can learn from your situation. My wife is in her mid forties and we're having age related cell wall issues and I should probably call in myself. Wanna thank a liberal hetero, legalize it!
Posted by scorpio of Id. on November 14, 2012 at 2:17 AM · Report this
23
I rarely get off from cunnilingus and my hubby has a goatee which is fully grown out and still rough. While he enjoys going down on me, I don't really enjoy it too much. However, our third does enjoy it, so he just goes down on her. My hubby and I have been together for 10 years and my original stance was no head from you, no head for you with sexual partners until I met my soon-to-be hubby. Because a majority of the guys I was sleeping with were a bit immature, I really had no practice in giving head since they weren't comfortable going down on any girl. My hubby on the other hand loved too (we were 18 when we met, btw) so my first real experience with cunnilingus was with him. After multiple attempts to bring me to orgasm and failing, I took back my giving head policy and now blow my hubby but do not request cunnilingus in return. I am probably in the minority of women that actually do not enjoy it, but I really don't.
Posted by butterflyrose83 on November 14, 2012 at 12:19 AM · Report this
22
My (fairly new) husband is over 60 and his sex drive has crashed. He got out of a long, abusive marriage just before we got together, where sex was a hot and toxic currancy, and I think he is just relieved to have other kinds of intimacy---trust, caring, cuddling, playing---I value these things too of course and I have got to a place where I am okay with it, I love him just as he is. He will hold and fondle me while I use a vibrator, anytime I ask him to, and that is pleasant, but I don't very often--- it makes me miss fucking, and him having his own pleasure which has always been a big part of mine. So I generally prefer to masturbate on my own, which I do often. I like to look at porn of guys jerking off, but most of the sites are obviously for gays (and often there are videos running on the side of guys fucking and sucking,which doesn't do anything for me and is a distraction) I don't know why the fact that its for boys makes it less of a turn on; after all, the action is the same, but there it is. Can you recommend any sites that have guys jerking off for a female audience?
Thanks Dan, love your column.
Cold Bed in Canada

Posted by lavenderblue on November 14, 2012 at 12:08 AM · Report this
OutInBumF 21
BBB- Dan may well be right, especially if blowjobs from women do nothing for you either.
I've never come once from a blowjob- they feel okay and can even be arousing, but nowhere near enough of the right sensations to get off.
Posted by OutInBumF on November 14, 2012 at 12:07 AM · Report this
20
Adding a vibrator can take a lot of the pressure off -- I can relax more because he knows it's totally fine to switch to the vibe if he wants a rest.

Re BBB, I was expected Dan to remind him to mix up his masturbation. If he's only used to coming in one or two ways, it might be hard to learn to appreciate a new style of stimulation.
Posted by EricaP on November 13, 2012 at 11:15 PM · Report this
19
I wonder if BBB is a death-grip masturbatory type of dude. The letter may have been edited--if BBB enjoys fucking ass or pussy, then my death-grip-technique supposition is off-base.

And I wonder if there's a typo in the response to WSF? If WSF's wife is annoyed or turned off by receiving cunnilingus from her hubby, didn't Dan mean to write "But if it truly does nothing for her—"nothing" would NOT include "annoy" and "turn off"—maybe she can lie back and enjoy what it does for you."?

I added the 'NOT'. I mean, if she's actively annoyed or actively turned off by cunnilingus, I doubt Dan really means to suggest she take one for the team, "and enjoy what it does for you."
Posted by Functional Atheist on November 13, 2012 at 11:04 PM · Report this
18
@7 and @10:
For me, oral sex does not have to lead to orgasm to be fun. One can switch to something else if it takes too long or gets uninteresting, or if something else feels better.
Posted by migrationist on November 13, 2012 at 10:33 PM · Report this
17
Manual stimulation and oral can take a while. Introducing a fingertip vibrator can have a marvelous effect. Apply it to the clitoris while performing orally and you'll have fireworks, quickly. As long as there are no hang ups or body issues.
Posted by BeeverShot on November 13, 2012 at 10:14 PM · Report this
16
You're welcome. You are loved.
Posted by Krunch on November 13, 2012 at 9:19 PM · Report this
15
I realize we all love Obama or whatever, but I really disagree with the idea that it was a huge political risk for him to state that he, personally, no longer has an issue with gay marriage. If anything (other than just his convictions), it was a pander to people who didn't think he'd done enough for gay marriage. The people who were most concerned about keeping it banned wouldn't vote for him anyway, and the people on the fence were always going to vote based on other stuff. Let's not give this president more credit than he deserves.

But thanks, straights who really DID do something to pass the recent legislation.
Posted by spikele on November 13, 2012 at 8:50 PM · Report this
14
@8 TV Dinner: I agree! I'm not a fan of rug burn, either.
My ex didn't seem to get that.
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 13, 2012 at 8:45 PM · Report this
Robin8 13
BBB's story reminded me of one of the 8,000 or so men Shere Hite interviewed for The Hite Report on Male Sexuality. Naturally, most men said they loved fellatio, but one memorable man was quoted as saying, "I do not like people sucking on my penis. Too many other sexy places."
Posted by Robin8 http://shutyoureverlovingpiehole.wordpress.com on November 13, 2012 at 8:22 PM · Report this
12
@8: If you're talking about stubble, I agree... but I actually like full beardedness. It gets soft when grown out- it's just the stubble phase that's really unfortunate.
Posted by alguna_rubia on November 13, 2012 at 7:53 PM · Report this
Roma 11
But some women who don't struggle with hang-ups or body issues simply don't enjoy receiving oral sex.

I understand that but since I love it, I could never be with a woman who didn't like it.
Posted by Roma on November 13, 2012 at 7:47 PM · Report this
secretagent 10
I agree with Angela - I enjoy it, but it takes for-fucking-ever to get off that way, whereas I can get off during sex quickly and multiple times. Even if they know exactly what I like.

As for the bi guy - does he enjoy other activities with men, or is it really just the cock-sucking. Cause I know a few bi guys who are pretty much mostly straight with a giving-head fetish. Something about the dominance and the cock fascination really does it for them, while they really don't want anything else to do with men.

Posted by secretagent on November 13, 2012 at 7:43 PM · Report this
Roma 9
Rights are rights. They shouldn't be put up for a vote.

I completely agree with that but, since they were put up for a vote, I'm glad they passed.

I was just reading a recent issue of The Atlantic and read about this guy in my hometown, on their annual list of 21 "Brave Thinkers."
Posted by Roma on November 13, 2012 at 7:43 PM · Report this
TVDinner 8
Hey guys, shave, for fuck's sake, before going down on a woman. Your face. Shave your fucking face. No one wants to have a brillo pad in her cooch.

Well, somebody somewhere does. But she's a minority of one.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on November 13, 2012 at 7:36 PM · Report this
7
For some women, it's difficult to enjoy cunnilingus because it's difficult to reach orgasm from it.

Yes, the man can say "tell me exactly what you want" and truly mean it - but it can still be embarrassing to find the words and say them. It can feel clinical or unromantic.

For some women, it takes a long time. They may feel anxious or like they're boring the man, or asking for too much.

I've found I need a specific, hard, sustained pressure for about 45 minutes. And I feel awkward and guilty asking for it, and like I'm making the man work too hard, so most of the time it's easier to just not be into receiving.

It helps a lot when the guy seems to like doing it, and makes it clear that this is fun for him and I'm not obligated to have an orgasm. And yes, I have been with men who took it personally when they couldn't "make" me come from oral. Too much pressure, and not in the good way :)
Posted by Angela P on November 13, 2012 at 6:40 PM · Report this
6
Nothing about Patreus? All I can say is thank God he wasn't gay. Then he would have been open to blackmale and compromised national security and....oh, yeah, right.
Posted by LML on November 13, 2012 at 6:37 PM · Report this
5
For some women, it's difficult to enjoy cunnilingus because it's difficult to reach orgasm from it.

Yes, the man can say "tell me exactly what you want" and truly mean it - but it can still be embarrassing to find the words and say them. It can feel clinical or unromantic.

For some women, it takes a long time. They may feel anxious or like they're boring the man, or asking for too much.

I've found I need a specific, hard, sustained pressure for about 45 minutes. And I feel awkward and guilty asking for it, and like I'm making the man work too hard, so most of the time it's easier to just not be into receiving.

It helps a lot when the guy seems to like doing it, and makes it clear that this is fun for him and I'm not obligated to have an orgasm. And yes, I have been with men who took it personally when they couldn't "make" me come from oral. Too much pressure, and not in the good way :)
Posted by Angela P on November 13, 2012 at 6:37 PM · Report this
nocutename 4
How does BBB like getting a blow job from a woman? He identified as Bi, but doesn't mention getting head from women, just men. Maybe the idea of men going down on him doesn't turn him on as much as the idea of women going down on him does.
Posted by nocutename on November 13, 2012 at 6:31 PM · Report this
nocutename 3
Forget the difficulty with vocabulary: NTGM and her boyfriend have some serious miscommunication going on. She told a mutual friend how she feels about having oral sex with her bf, but she can't tell him? The boyfriend takes the word of said friend over the request of his own girlfriend? She writes to an advice columnist rather than trying to talk to her boyfriend a second time because to do so is tantamount to "begging" and she doesn't want to have to tell him what she wants? And she says she's 22?!

This sounds like middle school. And then there's the vocab confusion. These people are in no way mature enough to be having sex.
Posted by nocutename on November 13, 2012 at 6:28 PM · Report this
2
22 and doesnt know the words for giving head? wow, welcome to the Red states.
Posted by MGDavis on November 13, 2012 at 6:10 PM · Report this
1
You're most welcome, Dan!! And thank YOU for your kick-ass weekly column!! The passing of Ref 74 must have made your holiday season, as it's one of many blessing I'm already counting over the year!
I'm a het female, and although I'm happily single and inactive, would NEVER want to stand in the way of any two people seeking matrimony and the benefits from being coupled.
Cheers to you, Terry, your son and family, and happy holidays!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 13, 2012 at 6:06 PM · Report this

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