From the legal triumph of Lawrence v. Texas to the pop-culture smash of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to that glorious stretch of spring mornings when one American statesman after another stood up for gay marriage, the United States' basic concept of homosexuality has taken an irrevocable evolutionary step forward, leaving some Americans gasping with gratitude, others with outrage, effectively dividing the country in two.

On one side are the gays and their straight allies, a group whose membership has skyrocketed as increasing numbers of heterosexual Americans experience the sort of empathetic epiphany that lit up so many Caucasian brains during the civil rights movement: "Oh my god, they're just like us!" Once learned, this knowledge can never be unlearned, and the ranks of enlightened heterosexuals will only continue to grow.

Unfortunately, a large number of the unenlightened heterosexuals out there will never come around. And each step forward for gay rights drives these reactionaries on to ever more vitriolic attempts at anti-gay backlash. For those who regard the Bible as fact--from snake-handlers in the South to pretzel-eaters in the Oval Office--homosexuality is an unequivocal, eternal abomination, like taking the life of an unborn fetus. These heterosexuals, our sworn enemies, won't go without a vicious fight.

Like abortion, the gay rights issue presents us with an irreconcilable difference, and like abortion, the battle over gay equality may be fought on editorial pages and in courts of appeal until the end of time. Or perhaps the gay rights fight will follow the course of another formerly irreconcilable difference--the right to own slaves. The North didn't win the Civil War by playing nice; it won by burning and torching and looting, most famously during Sherman's March, the mastermind Union general's merciless ransacking of the American South. In advance of what may come to be Civil War 2004, here's a city-by-city plan of attack, a gay rampage through the heart of anti-gay America. Let's call it Schmader's March.

First, We'll Take Manhattan

Thanks to natural social dispersion, the division between gay-free states and gay-apartheid states is an easy one, with gays and their allies holding both coasts (and an important alliance with neighbor-to-the-north Canada) while reactionary Bible-folk stink up the inland. By officially breaking from the gay-apartheid states, gay-friendly states can seek military and financial aid from the sympathetic nations of Europe, and Schmader's March will commence with the unveiling of an EU-financed Gay Memorial in the gayest city in the world--Manhattan. Once the troops have fully rallied around the future Mt. Gaymore--featuring the busts of historical gay icons Tony Kushner, Ellen DeGeneres, Reverend Mel White, and Tinky Winky--we'll begin our relentless march to...

Washington, D.C.

In addition to the White House and the Pentagon, the nation's capital is home to the Family Research Council (FRC), the conservative Christian organization devoted to quashing all movements toward gay equality while "protecting the unborn." But what about unborn gays? While in D.C., our troops will be led by Special Forces of homosexual infantalists, who'll surround the home of FRC leader Tony Perkins with a Depends-wearing, bonnet-donning, rattle-shaking march of terror.

Virginia

When it comes to rancid hotbeds of bigotry, it's hard to top Virginia, home to Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and a state legislature that opted to outlaw all contracts between members of the same sex. For this reason, while in Virginia, Schmader's March will adhere closely to the guidelines of our namesake march, and like General Sherman, we will burn everything to the ground. There's nothing like the smell of scorched J. Crew in the morning.

Topeka, Kansas

After salting the earth of Virginia, we'll proceed to Topeka, Kansas, home to the peerless gay-hater Fred Phelps. Celebrated for his inspired anti-gay protests (such as the classic "Fag Matt Burns in Hell" celebration outside Matthew Shepard's funeral), Fred Phelps has made a career out of speaking for God, whom Phelps claims "hates fags." We'll give Phelps a taste of his own medicine with the Million Jesus March, wherein tens of thousands of homosexuals will don brown wigs and white robes, picket the Phelps compound with signs reading, "I, Jesus, hate you, Fred," then take a collective dump on his lawn.

Crawford, Texas

When not ruining the future from the White House, President Bush enjoys frequent retreats to his 1,600-acre ranch situated on the outskirts of Crawford, a rustic-in-a-Pottery-Barn-way town 90 miles north of Austin. After surrounding the "Western White House," troops will force George and Laura out of their country home and into two sets of Old West-style wooden stocks, for an in-your-face dose of Dubya's own medicine. For years, Bush has force-fed the world his galling persona as the quintessential American asshole--dumb, cocky white man at his stereotypical worst. Once locked into the stocks, Bush will be subjected to a 72-hour barrage of galling gay stereotypes, from a feedback-and-patchouli-laden lesbian poetry slam to a tweaker roundtable about the nature and purpose of techno to an encore performance of Gaydar Production's Party. The whole shebang will wrap up with what the history books will recall as the Bush Bukkake Blitz.

Colorado Springs

As head of the tirelessly gay-hating Focus on the Family, Dr. James Dobson has devoted his life to ridiculous bullshit. A quick glance at the Focus website displays the extent of Dobson's obses- sion--page after page of parched pseudo-science laced with scripture to justify, point by ludicrous point, every anti-gay bias Dobson has ever dreamed of harboring. After stealthily storming Dobson's hometown, troops will provide the inexhaustible doctor with a more fitting way to waste his hours. Drawing upon 200 years of hooliganism, Operation Stinkbomb will deploy those acts of petty vandalism found to require the most extensive cleanup, from Edge shaving gel graffiti to soaked-toilet-paper trees to spray-painted pets.

Southern California

Schmader's march to the sea will conclude, fittingly enough, in Southern California. Troops will first storm the Los Angeles home of Alveda Celeste King, the lunkheaded niece of MLK Jr. devoted to denouncing the wickedness of the homosexual while mocking attempts to align the gay rights movement with the civil rights movement. After troops place Ms. King in a gunnysack, the bag of Alveda will be placed on a large, rickety raft with all 10,000 shirtless, huge-pupiled attendees of the 2004 White Party, then shoved out to sea. If one Christian bigot and countless raving queers can't help each other learn and grow, this march will have been a failure. Plus, there are always sharks.