WHEN HE CANCELED Seattle's New Year's Eve Party at the Space Needle, Mayor Paul Schell claimed he was only being sensitive to the needs and wants of Seattle's citizens. According to our mayor, people move to Seattle because it's safe and dull. Unlike, say, New York City -- where every citizen dreams of being murdered by Islamic extremists -- people come to Seattle specifically to avoid dying in a terrorist attack. We're boring people, averse to risk, unwilling to hazard being blown to bits in the Seattle Center Food Court.
Schell is wrong! Dead wrong! Seattle residents are a lusty bunch of borderline psychotics willing to risk everything for -- gosh, just for a tasty piece of ass! Our proof? The Stranger's Annual Sex Survey. Every year our readers dutifully fill out our sex survey and prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Seattle ain't no place for wimps. It's a hard-driving, hard-drinking, twat-licking, butt-fucking, drug-taking town, and if Paul Schell can't stand it, well, he should run for mayor some place nice and quiet, like Tacoma or East St. Louis.
You know the drill: Fill out the sex survey (on paper or online), send it in, and we'll publish the results in our annual Valentine's Day issue. Besides proving to the mayor that this town is full of lusty risk-takers, you could win a prize! One lucky respondent chosen at random will win dinner with Dan Savage and David Schmader at Ruth's Chris Steak House, and if you play your cards right, Dan and Dave -- Seattle's most lovable homosexuals -- will accompany you to Tubs on Roosevelt for an after-dinner soak. (To be eligible for the dinner, you must include an address and daytime phone number. To be eligible for an after-dinner soak, you must be clean and well-groomed.)
WHO ARE YOU?
Sex: M F
Age: 0-18 19-24 25-34 35-44 45-54 55-OLD
Sexual Orientation: Gay or Lesbian/Straight/Bisexual
Political Affiliation: Democrat/Republican/Independent/ Commie-Pinko
Ass Size: Petite/Regular/Big Gulp/Costco - Super Family Value Pack
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
· Placed a penis in my mouth. Y/N
· Placed my mouth on a vagina. Y/N
· Stuck my tongue in a butthole. Y/N
· Stuck my butthole on a tongue. Y/N
· MEN: Put my penis in a vagina. Y/N
· Women: Welcomed a penis into my vagina. Y/N
· MEN: Put my penis in a woman's butt. Y/N
· WOMEN: Let a man put his penis in my butt. Y/N
· MEN: Put my penis in a man's butt. Y/N
· WOMEN: Put a fake penis in a man's butt. Y/N
· MEN: Welcomed a penis in my
very own butt. Y/N
· WOMEN: Put a fake penis in a woman's vagina or butt. Y/N
· I have done nothing. I am prepu bescent. Y/N
· I have done nothing. I am a virgin. Y/N
· I have done nothing. I work for Microsoft. Y/N
In the last year, I...
· Rimmed a librarian. Y/N
· Fingered a Sonic. Y/N
· Fucked a minor. Y/N
· Stabbed a Beatle. Y/N
· Faked an orgasm. Y/N
· Kissed an anarchist. Y/N
· Pity-fucked an Almost Live cast member. Y/N
"IN MY LONG LIFE I HAVE..."
· Paid someone for sex. Y/N
· Was paid to have sex. Y/N
· Contracted an STD. Y/N
· Lied about contracting an
STD. Y/N
· Gave someone an STD. Y/N
· Had a three-way. YN
· Had a four-way. Y/N
· Had a more-way. Y/N
· Picked up someone in an Internet chat room. Y/N
· Had cyber sex with a stranger online while my lover was in the next room watching TV. Y/N
· Fucked a Kozmo.com delivery per son. Y/N
· Smashed windows during the WTO protests. Y/N
· Touched myself while watching Seventh Heaven on the WB. Y/N
· Voted for I-695. Y/N
· Got tied up. Y/N
· Wanted to get tied up, made a date to get tied up, and chickened out of getting tied up at the last minute. Y/N
· Played with electricity. Y/N
· Voted for Heidi Wills. Y/N
· Combined booze and sex. Y/N
· Combined drugs and sex. Y/N
· Combined drugs, booze, and sex. Y/N
· Combined drugs, booze, adult diapers, and sex. Y/N
· Combined drugs, booze, adult dia pers, and voting for Heidi Wills. Y/N
"I use drugs to enhance sex..."
A. Never.
B. Occasionally.
C. Frequently.
D. Always.
E. I use sex to enhance drugs.
I use rubbers, dental dams, and/or female condoms...
A. Never.
B. Occasionally.
C. Frequently.
D. Always.
E. I refuse to answer this question for fear that Dan Savage will write about me and ruin my life.
¥ If you use drugs, what drugs do you use?_____________________.
¥ If you use condoms, what brand do you use?__________________.
· If you use birth control, what kind do you use?__________________.
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
Jesus got drunk and fucked his girlfriend's best friend. His girlfriend found out, and now Jesus is in the dog house. What would Jesus do?
A. Buy his girlfriend some flowers, repent, and agree to attend cou ples' counseling.
B. Remind his girlfriend to judge not, lest she be judged herself.
C. Get a girlfriend who's not such a fucking tight-ass.
Jesus has a hot date with a foxy new boy, but on the day of the date, Jesus discovers He's having a herpes outbreak! What would Jesus do?
A. Postpone the date and promise to make up for it later.
B. Lay hands on Himself and cure his cursed disease.
C. Slather makeup over His sore and keep the lights low.
Jesus meets a totally hot babe at the Cha-Cha, but she's playing hard to get. What would Jesus do?
A. Ask if she'd like to have coffee some time and offer her His phone number.
B. Drop His Father's name and brag about His dick size.
C. Slip her a "roofie."
Jesus is at Basic Plumbing and sees two men having unprotected anal sex. What would Jesus do?
A. Holler "Whoo hoo!" and hop aboard "the love train."
B. Judge not, lest He be judged Himself.
C. Notify the Gay City staffers lurk ing near the glory hole booths.
WHO WOULD YOU DO?
Who's the sexiest local TV newswoman?
A. Kathi Goertzen, KOMO.
B. Jean Enersen, KING 5.
C. Leslie Miller, Q13.
D. Lori Matsukawa, KING 5.
E. Susan Hutchinson, KIRO.
F. Sabrina Register, KOMO.
G. Other: ____________.
Who's the sexiest local TV newsman?
A. Steve Raible, KIRO.
B. Dennis Bounds, KING 5.
C. Dan Lewis, KOMO.
D. Scott Engler, Q13.
E. Ron Corning, Q13.
F. Eric Slocum, KOMO.
G. Other: ____________.
If you had to give a blowjob to one of our local weathermen, who would you pick?
A. KOMO's Steve Pool.
B. KING 5's Jeff Renner.
C. KIRO's Harry Wapler.
D. KIRO's Andy Wapler.
E. KOMO's Todd Johnson.
F. KOMO's Greg Todd.
G. Q13's Jim Castillo.
H. Other: ____________.
Who's the sexiest local politician?
Female:
A. Judy Nicastro, Seattle City Council.
B. Heidi Wills, Seattle City Council.
C. Jan Drago, Seattle City Council.
D. Christine Gregoire, State Attorney General.
E. Deborah Senn, State Insurance Commissioner.
F. Mary Lou Dickerson, State Rep. 43rd District.
G. Patty Murray, U.S. Senator.
H. Jennifer Dunn, U.S. Congresswoman.
I. Maggi Fimia, King County Council.
J. Cynthia Sullivan, King County Council.
K. Rosemarie Ives, Mayor of Redmond.
L. Ethyl Ganz, Kirkland City Council.
M. Other: ____________.
Male:
A. Paul Schell, Mayor of Seattle.
B. Dave Reichert, King County Sheriff.
C. Slade Gorton, U.S. Senator.
D. Peter Steinbrueck, Seattle City Council.
E. Richard McIver, Seattle City Council.
F. Richard Conlin, Seattle City Council.
G. Nick Licata, Seattle City Council.
H. Dwight Pelz, King County Council.
I. Larry Gossett, King County Council.
J. Ed Murray, State Rep. 43rd District.
K. Other: ____________.
Transvestite/Transsexual:
A. Janice Van Cleve, Failed School Board Candidate, Computer Holder.
B. Margaret Pageler, Failed City Council Member, Tree Killer.
If you had to watch two local sportscasters give each other "erotic massages," who would you pick?
A. KING 5's Paul Silvi and Q13's Dan Devone.
B. KIRO's Tony Ventrella and KING 5's Gard Swenson.
C. KOMO's Eric Johnson and "Eric's Little Heroes."
If you had to watch two city council members mud wrestle naked, who would you pick?
A. Judy Nicastro vs. Heidi Wills.
B. Judy Nicastro vs. Heidi Wills.
C. Judy Nicastro vs. Heidi Wills.
Who/what is the sexiest thing in the world?
A. A good kisser with a hint of liquor on his/her breath.
B. Dusty in Memphis by Dusty Springfield.
C. Hilary Swank as Brandon Teena.
D. Brad Pitt's butt crack.
E. The word "no."
F. The Olympics.
G. "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
H. Pouting.
I. Good-looking, monkey-faced guys with thick necks and receding hairlines.
J. Susan Sarandon.
K. Money.
L. Power.
M. Good posture.
N. Other ____________.
Who/what is the least sexy thing in the world?
A. A bad kisser with a rancid dis tillery in his/her mouth
B. That damn Enigma CD.
C. Any love scene between Jodie Foster and a man.
D. Air guitar.
E. Cologne.
F. Lupus.
G. Vampires.
H. Puking.
I. Public executions.
J. Yo mama.
K. Yo Yo Ma.
M. Cherry Pop.
N. Cherry Pop.
O. Cherry Pop.
P. Other ____________.
THE RESULTS OF OUR SEX SURVEY WILL BE PUBLISHED IN THE STRANGER'S ANNUAL VALENTINE'S DAY ISSUE.
MAIL THIS TO:
Sex Survey
c/o The Stranger
1535 11th Ave., 3rd Floor
Seattle, WA 98122
