Judging from recent events (Schell's New Year's wuss-a-thon, the Seahawks' shameful loss to the Miami Dolphins, the continued existence of Kenny G), no one could blame the rest of the world for thinking of Seattleites as the biggest bunch of wimps this side of Mahatma Gandhi. But once again, Stranger readers have proven "popular opinion" to be a steaming load of horse poop. Because whatever Seattle may lack in millennial New Year's celebrations, or competent sports teams, or smooth jazz assassins, we more than make up for in burning, intoxicating, take-no-prisoners LUST. Our lust could build a thousand bridges, pave a million roads, stuff a billion concussion bombs, and still have force enough to blast Schell, the Seahawks, and Kenny G to the nelly-ass kingdom come where they belong.
1,173 of you divulged your unbridled lust in The Stranger's SEX SURVEY 2000, and our noble number crunchers are still quivering and wiping themselves with moist towelettes after slogging through your shameless admissions. Who knew so many of you were pot-smoking, ass-licking Jim Castillo fans? Who knew so few of you were bondage-loving, crystal-shooting Dan Lewis fans? You learn something new every day, and here's the ultimate crash course in sizzling, sweaty, Seattle-style L-U-S-T. Yee-fuckin'-haw!
WHO YOU ARE
In a refreshing turn of events, 100% of Sex Survey respondents managed to choose a gender, with 45% identifying as female, and 55% as male. An overwhelming majority of you are heterosexual (56%), with homosexuals (23.5%) and bisexuals (20%) running a surprisingly tight race for sexual minority du jour. Most of you sluts identify as Democrats (41.5%) or Independents (36.5%), with Commie Pinkos (12.5%) and Republicans (4% -- gasp!) bringing up the rear. Speaking of rears, 65.5% of you claim to have regular-sized asses, with 11% boasting smaller-than-regular-sized and 20% admitting to larger-than-regular-sized. The average age of Sex Survey respondents is 29.4 years old.
WHAT YOU DO
A slurping 74.5% have put penises in your mouths.
A slightly less slurping 62% have put your mouths on vaginas.
A generous 46.5% have placed your tongues on buttholes.
A lucky 57.5% have had others' tongues placed on your buttholes.
In the past year, 91% of female respondents welcomed penises into their vaginas; 62.2% welcomed penises into their butts; and 21.1% inserted dildos into a man's butt. Incredibly, the same percentage inserted dildos into women's vaginas and/or butts!
In the past year, 79% of male respondents placed their penises in women's vaginas; 46.3% placed their penises in women's butts; and 43.6% placed their penises in men's butts. Incredibly, the same percentage welcomed penises into their own butts!
Absolutely no prepubescent people participated in this survey. However, 2% of the respondents admitted to being virgins, and 2% admitted to working for Microsoft. Coincidence? We don't think so.
A disturbing 37% of survey participants admit they faked an orgasm during 1999 (59.5% female, 40.5% male!!).
A lusty 32.5% took advantage of the WTO protests by kissing an anarchist, while a law-breaking 10% took advantage of a minor by fucking a minor.
Apparently confusing a criminal act for a sexual euphemism, 2.5% of respondents admitted to "stabbing a Beatle" (we were talking about George Harrison), while a mere 1% admitted to fingering a Sonic. A lucky 2% claim to have rimmed a librarian -- the same percentage that claim to have pity-fucked an Almost Live cast member. Coincidence? We hope so.
16.5% of respondents have paid for sex (93.9% male, 6.1% female).
17.5% have been paid for sex (60% male, 40% female).
35% have contracted an STD (48.5% male, 51.5% female).
13.5% have lied about contracting an STD (48.1% male, 51.9% female).
13.5% have given someone an STD (55.5% male, 44.5% female).
48% have had a three-way (63.5% male, 36.5% female).
23% have had a four-way (63.1% male, 36.9% female).
20% have had a more-way (67.5% male, 32.5% female).
22.5% of respondents have picked up someone from an Internet chat room (62.2% male, 37.8% female).
13% have had cyber sex online while their lovers were in the next room watching TV (61.5% male, 38.5% female).
2% have fucked a Kozmo.com delivery person (25% male, 75% female).
2% smashed a window during the WTO protests (50% male, 50% female).
8.5% touched themselves while watching the WB's Seventh Heaven (64.7% male, 35.3% female).
17% voted for I-695 (79.4% male, 20.6% female).
52% have been tied up (45.2% male, 54.8% female).
11.5% wanted to get tied up, made a date to get tied up, and chickened out of getting tied up at the last minute (47.8% male, 52.2% female).
37.5% played with electricity (64% male, 36% female).
4.5% voted for I-695 and contracted an STD (72% male, 28% female).
17% of respondents voted for Heidi Wills.
84% combined booze and sex.
76% combined drugs and sex.
62.5% combined booze, sex, and drugs.
2% combined booze, sex, drugs, and adult diapers.
.05% combined booze, sex, drugs, adult diapers, and voting for Heidi Wills.
.08% rimmed a librarian, then voted for Heidi Willis.
A hazy, law-breaking 43.5% of survey participants admit to using drugs to enhance sex "occasionally," 7% "frequently," and 2% "always." A prim 36% say they never use drugs to enhance sex, while a shameful 11% say they use sex to enhance drugs.
Most used drugs in order of popularity: grass, snort, X, acid, crystal, Viagra (which most definitely needs a hip slang name), smack, poppy tea.
A responsible 19% of respondents use rubbers, dental dams, and/or female condoms "always," 25% "frequently," 25.5% "occasionally," and 21% "never." 9% refused to answer the question.
Most used condoms in order of popularity: Trojans, Lifestyles, "whatever's free," Reality (the female condom), Kimono, Sheik.
Most used non-condom birth control in order of popularity: The Pill, the diaphragm, the rhythm method, butt sex, the IUD, the "surgical procedure," and "pulling out and jizzing all over the back seat of a Nova."
Jesus got drunk and fucked his girlfriend's best friend. His girlfriend found out, and now Jesus is in the dog house. What would Jesus do?
17.5% of respondents say that Jesus would buy His girlfriend some flowers, repent, and agree to attend couples' counseling.
41% say that Jesus would remind His girlfriend to judge not, lest she be judged herself.
33% say Jesus would get a girlfriend who's not such a fucking tight-ass.
Jesus has a hot date with a foxy new boy, but on the day of the date, Jesus discovers He's having a herpes outbreak! What would Jesus do?
14.5% say Jesus would postpone the date and promise to make it up to the boy later.
69.5% say Jesus would lay hands on Himself and cure his cursed disease.
6.5% say Jesus would slather makeup over his sores and keep the lights low.
Jesus meets a totally hot babe at the Cha-Cha, but she's playing hard to get. What would Jesus do?
30.5% say Jesus would ask if she'd like to have coffee sometime, and offer her His phone number.
45.5% say Jesus would drop His father's name and brag about His dick size.
14.5% say Jesus would slip her a "roofie."
Jesus is at Basic Plumbing and sees two men having unprotected anal sex. What would Jesus do?
22% say Jesus would holler "whoo-hoo!" and hop aboard "the love train."
52% say Jesus would judge not, lest He be judged Himself.
16% say Jesus would notify the Gay City staffers lurking near the glory hole booths.
SEXIEST LOCAL TV NEWSWOMAN!
Hands down, the favorite local news hottie female was Q13's bobbed 'n' saucy Leslie Miller, who garnered a whopping 30.5% of the vote. Runners-up: KING 5's Lori Matsukawa (10%), KING 5's Jean Enersen and KOMO's Sabrina Register (tied at 7%), KOMO's Kathi Goertzen (6.5%), and KIRO's Susan Hutchinson (4.5%).
SEXIEST LOCAL TV NEWSMAN!
Q13 scored another lusty winner with fickle-haired anchor Scott Engler claiming 17% of the vote. Runners-up: KOMO's Eric Slocum (10.5%), KING 5's Dennis Bounds (8.5%), KIRO's Steve Raible and Q13's Ron Corning (tied at 8%), and KOMO's Dan Lewis (3.5%). (Eds. note: What the hell's wrong with Dan Lewis?! Sure, he's got no upper lip, but what's sexier than a man willing to cry on TV?)
BLOW THAT WEATHERMAN!
Faced with the task of performing oral sex on one of our illustrious TV weathermen, a phenomenal but unsurprising 35.5% of you chose to blow foxy Q13 superstar Jim Castillo. The rest of you settled for KOMO's Steve Pool (11.5%), KING 5's Jeff Renner and KOMO's Todd Johnson (tied at 5.5%), KIRO's unfortunately named Harry Wapler (4%), KIRO's Andy Wapler (3%), and KOMO's Greg Todd (1.3%).
SEXIEST LOCAL POLITICIAN: FEMALE!
Stranger readers showed a wealth of lusty good taste in crowning sizzling Seattle City Councilwoman Judy Nicastro the hottest local female politico, with a landslide 20.5% of the vote. Runner-up was clean and pretty Seattle City Councilwoman Heidi Wills, with a respectable 13%, after which it was a free-for-all: amorous State Attorney General Christine Gregoire (6.5%), limber U.S. Congresswoman Jennifer Dunn (6%), dumb U.S. Senator Patty Murray (5.5%), feisty State Insurance Commissioner Deborah Senn (4%), lumpy Seattle City Councilwoman Jan Drago, unremarkable King County Councilwoman Maggi Fimia, exotic Mayor of Redmond Rosemarie Ives (a three-way tie with .5%), and lastly, poor King County Councilwoman Cynthia Sullivan and Kirkland City Councilwoman Ethyl Ganz, neither of whom drew a single vote.
SEXIEST LOCAL POLITICIAN: MALE!
In a surprise upset, unmistakably scented Seattle City Councilman Nick Licata drew 13% of the vote, narrowly edging out sexy-butt-owning fellow Councilman Peter Steinbrueck, who drew 12%. Other runners-up: pistol-packing King County Sheriff Dave Reichert (9%), anal-fissured U.S. Senator Slade Gorton (6.5%!), self-hating Kraut Mayor Paul Schell and fashionably homosexual State Representative Ed Murray (tied at 3%), unwitting handcuff fetishist Seattle City Councilman Richard McIver and former Officer and a Gentleman co-star King County Councilman Larry Gossett (tied at 1.5%), clean and pretty Seattle City Councilman Richard Conlin (1%), and bringing up the rear, mustachioed King County Councilman Dwight Pelz (.5%).
SEXIEST LOCAL POLITICIAN: TRANSVESTITE/TRANSSEXUAL!
In a shockingly close battle, failed school board candidate Janice Van Cleve triumphed over failed Seattle City Councilwoman Margaret Pageler, drawing 28% of the vote to Pageler's 25.5%.
If you had to watch two local sportscasters give each other "erotic massages," who would you pick?
A lucid 30.5% chose KING 5's Paul Silvi and Q13's Dan Devone.
A questionable 29.5% chose KIRO's Tony Ventrella and KING 5's Gard Swenson.
A NAMBLA-riffic 22% chose KOMO's Eric Johnson and "Eric's Little Heroes."
If you had to watch two city council members mud wrestle naked, who would you pick?
Shockingly, 100% of respondents voted for Judy Nicastro vs. Heidi Wills.
We wanted to know what Stranger readers considered to be the sexiest thing in the world. Unequivocally, you told us, "A good kisser with a hint of liquor on his/her breath," which garnered 17% of the vote. Runners-up: Susan Sarandon (11.5%), Brad Pitt's butt crack (11%), money (4%), power (4%), good posture (3%), Hilary Swank as Brandon Teena (3%), the word "no" (3%), "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" (3%), the Olympics (2.5%), good-looking monkey-faced guys with thick necks and receding hairlines (2.5%), Dusty in Memphis by Dusty Springfield (1%), and pouting (.5%).
Notable write-ins: big dicks, large breasts, Gina Gershon, Batman, ski masks, Pagliacci's bread sticks, "a gloved finger on my twat," "my husband's butt," the smell of a ripe armpit, Brad Pitt dancing naked to Dusty in Memphis.
When it comes to naming the least sexy thing in the world, Stranger readers display a remarkable accord: "Puking" was the runaway winner, claiming 14.5% of the vote. Runners-up: A bad kisser with a rancid distillery in his/her mouth (12.5%), any love scene between Jodie Foster and a man (9.5%), public execution (7.5%), air guitar (7%), Cherry Pop (5.5%), cologne (5%), that damn Enigma CD (4%), lupus (3.5%), yo mama and Yo Yo Ma (tied at 1.5%).
Notable write-ins: body odor, Cornish game hens, stalkers, smokers, Tim Eyman, toenail fungus, "too much talking," scat. Plus, an impressive number of votes for ugly feet.
Survey results compiled by Min Liao, Jason Pagano, and Brian Goedde.