Theater

Sour Grapes and Kidney Stones

Seattle Theater-Makers Rue 2008

I regret how the economic crisis is affecting theaters I care about. When shows close early, it feels like a life has been snuffed out. DARIAN LINDLE, DIRECTOR AND PLAYWRIGHT

I regret leaving my fly open during the opening night's performance of The Adding Machine. PAUL MORGAN STETLER, ACTOR

I regret not drinking more water. The result of this failure to hydrate was kidney stones, which slowly passed through me a mere two weeks before my dissertation was due at the London School of Economics. I do not regret that they passed through me in England, where the health care is free and I only paid for the painkillers I had to take in order to stop me from screaming into my pillow in agonizing pain. If it were the U.S., I would be in debt. (When the doctor who saw me at the emergency room discovered I was American, he tried to explain kidney stones to me by telling me "Joey had them on Friends.")

Though I regret the stones, I appreciate the perspective they gave me. The week previous, I was also in bed, this time nursing a broken heart. I did not think anything could be worse. What could possibly be worse than the devastating melancholia of unrequited love? The answer is "solid concretions of dissolved minerals" attempting to pass through my urethra. HARI KONDABOLU, COMEDIAN

I regret being such a sucky marketer; if I were better, that'd be one less excuse I could give my actors when my shows do poorly. ROGER TANG, PRODUCER

I regret the times I've made a decision, artistic or personal, out of fear rather than hope. I regret that I didn't see more at On the Boards. I regret the times I went to theater when I was really too tired to be there, and it didn't do anyone any good. I regret that I didn't take Proposition 8 seriously because I was wrapped up in Obama. I regret my last birthday and its magical, self-refilling whiskey glass—but 40 is coming up and I'll be in Kauai with the two awesome ladies of We Are Golden. What more could a girl ask for? SHEILA DANIELS, ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR AT INTIMAN

I regret getting so drunk at the Stranger Genius Awards that I made an obscene gesture [the one for cunnilingus] at Lane Czaplinski [the artistic director of On the Boards] from across the bar and lost my shoes when security finally kicked us out of the Moore. I also regret the credit Implied Violence received for apparently inventing sloppy theater in a warehouse. HEIDI GANSER, COSTUME DESIGNER

I regret assuming that everyone in the Seattle theater community agrees that new works are integral to making Seattle a world-class theater town within five years. Clearly, we playwrights have some work to do beyond our own writing. I further regret that I haven't done more to convince actors how important they are to new work and how important new work is to them.

I regret the too-pervasive notion that success as an artist is equated with making a "living wage" and that this equation is too often performed by the artists themselves. If you're looking for the forces of mediocrity to own you, continue to sell yourself for the "living wage." PAUL MULLIN, PLAYWRIGHT

I regret spending quite so much time investing in personal pleasure over professional development—I quit my administrative theater job so that I could devote myself to applying for grants and maybe the Lincoln Center Director's Lab, and somehow ended up as a burlesque dancer instead. KATJANA VADEBONCOEUR, CO–ARTISTIC DIRECTOR OF WASHINGTON ENSEMBLE THEATRE

I regret being such a wuss-puss and not attempting to be a balls-to-the-wall performer or taking the chance of failing miserably. I have this fear of reviewers and reviews—so much so that I have, for the past year and a half, stifled myself from trying anything new.

I regret comparing myself to my peers and feeling like a failure based on their successes. Knowing so many talented folks who are doing similar projects is a blessing and a curse. The long and the short of it? "Get some BALLS, Mink!" TROY MINK, WRITER AND ACTOR

I regret turning down the role of Meryl Streep's daughter in Mamma Mia! I definitely smell Oscar buzz! WAXIE MOON, BOYLESQUE DANCER

I regret not using a snazzy column title like "Ten Things Theaters Must Do Right Now to Save Themselves" and then filling it with idiosyncratic pet peeves and whims, because it sure got people fired up, until we all realized that free child care, building bars, and a Shakespeare ban wouldn't exactly turn around an economy in free fall. JOHN LONGENBAUGH, COLUMNIST FOR THE SEATTLE WEEKLY

I regret talking shit about The Stranger's Anonymous Review Squad to people who went on to become members of The Stranger's Anonymous Review Squad (you know who you are). MARYA SEA KAMINSKI, WRITER, DIRECTOR, AND ACTOR

I regret that Seattle School's candy-coated- capitalistic, shop-tastic, yen-and-rupee-riffic, J-pop extravaganza RECESSION! (first performed in May in an attempt to educate audiences on how to stave off the then-uncertain U.S. economic downturn) has reversed the standard axiom: comedy = tragedy + time. As the headlines pour in, that show gets tragically less funny every minute. May God damn Seattle School's RECESSION! everyone who was in it, the 17 people who saw it, and—above all—everyone who ignored it. Now you must all live it. KORBY SEARS, SEATTLE SCHOOL

I deeply regret each and every piece of petty malicious gossip about my fellow theater artists that I gleefully passed along this year. (For specific details, buy me a drink.) SCOT AUGUSTSON, PLAYWRIGHT

I regret trying to please as many damn people as possible. KIRK ANDERSON, DRUMMER FOR "AWESOME"

 

Comments (3) RSS

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1
I regret reading this column. Jesus H. Christ - stop the whining and hand wringing and do the damn work.

What a concept that would be!

Oh, and put more naked women onstage!
Posted by Tom Harper on December 26, 2008 at 7:07 PM · Report this
2
I regret not seeing The Adding Machine a few more times.
Posted by tomasyalba on December 29, 2008 at 12:03 AM · Report this
3
I regret not making out with BKiley when he wanted me to. 'Cause Ian's a decent kisser, but I heard that Brendon's AMAZING.
Posted by RMDavis on December 31, 2008 at 11:33 AM · Report this

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