Fresh, Penis-Free News
• If you're a breast cancer survivor who has undergone a double mastectomy, congratulations: You may now perform topless breaststrokes to your heart's content in any of the city's public swimming pools without fear of being censured by city employees. New pool rules clarify appropriate swimwear as basically anything that isn't a thong or something that "exposes genitals... [or] female breasts," according to a letter signed by Seattle parks superintendent Christopher Williams. The changes come five months after the parks department banned a woman with a double mastectomy from swimming topless in Seattle's Medgar Evers Pool because the sight of her bare (albeit breastless) chest was deemed inappropriate.
• "Don't you have any spirits?" an elderly gentleman asked at the Economic Opportunity Institute's annual fundraising dinner on November 16, prompting an attentive staffer to immediately run out and purchase a bottle of premium whiskey. Bill Gates Sr. later raised his paddle for a $5,000 donation.
• The rumor making its way through the Seattle Times newsroom is that more than 2,000 angry readers have canceled their subscriptions in protest of the paper's $150,000 independent expenditure for political campaigns this year (to support Republican gubernatorial candidate Rob McKenna and approve Referendum 74). Then again, those kinds of losses may just be background noise for a paper that has shed 39,000 subscribers over the past couple years. The Seattle Times did not respond to a request for comment.
• Despite the Seattle Police Department's new guide that all but tells citizens where to score weed and how to use a chillum, the City of Seattle informed its employees on November 19 that getting high at work remains not groovy at all, even though pot will be legal in three weeks. "Use of drugs in the workplace not only endangers the user but also citizens and fellow employees," says the boilerplate e-mail sent to all city employees from city personnel director Dave Stewart, who explains that Seattle's federal funding is contingent on complying with the Drug-Free Workplace Act of 1988.