Strip Lit
Where to find the only really good pornographic literature being produced in the Pacific Northwest
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Every city in the Puget Sound area has produced one of these erotic documents; they are classified as "adult cabaret" ordinances, and their intended function is to police dancing that "sexually stimulate[s] any member of the public... [and is] conducted on a regular basis," according to Shoreline's adult cabaret ordinance. Some of the most interesting stuff in these ordinances can be found in their introductions, in the "definitions" section. Here, one can learn things like what a "taxi dance" is: It's a member of the fallen family of dances fathered by the Texas couch dance. Or what a "barker" is: "any person who is located at the entrance outside of a sexually oriented business, and attempts to solicit business for the same by using voice or gestures," according to SeaTac's ordinance.
But to get the good stuff one must keep reading. You see, because these ordinances have to say exactly what it is a member of the public must not enjoy, or fully see, or be very close to while in an "adult entertainment facility," they are excessively descriptive. As a consequence, these documents are unintentionally pornographic. Though the functions of the various ordinances passed in our region are the same (the "regulation of adult entertainment"), they vary in intensity. For example, Bellevue has a relatively cold ordinance, whereas Seattle has a red-hot one. Here's a long section of Seattle's Ordinance 114225, Section 1:
Stranger Personals
1. No employee or entertainer shall... expose to view any portion of the breast below the top of the areola or any portion of the pubic region, anus, buttocks, vulva or genitals, except upon a stage at least eighteen (18) inches above the immediate floor level and removed at least six (6) feet from the nearest patron.
2. No employee or entertainer shall perform acts of or acts which simulate: a. Sexual intercourse, masturbation, sodomy, bestiality, oral copulation, flagellation, or any sexual acts which are prohibited by law; b. The touching, caressing or fondling of the breasts, buttocks or genitals; or c. The displaying of the pubic region, anus, vulva or genitals.
3. No employee or entertainer mingling with the patrons shall be unclothed or in less than opaque and complete attire, costume or clothing.
4. No employee or entertainer shall knowingly: a. Touch, caress or fondle the breast, buttocks, anus, genitals or pubic region of another person; or b. Permit the touching, caressing or fondling of his or her own breasts, buttocks, anus, genitals or pubic region by another person; or c. Permit any person upon the premises to touch, caress or fondle the breasts, buttocks, anus, genitals or pubic region of another person."
This lurid flow, or discharge, of pornographic imagery continues for several more arousing pages.
Though you won't find anything as elaborate as the Seattle ordinance, each city (except, again, Bellevue) has something new and exciting to offer. For example, Bothell's ordinance has this juicy paragraph: "Nude means the appearance of less than complete and opaque covering of the human anus, human male genitals, human female genitals, or the areola or nipple of the human female breast. The opaque covering shall not include any liquid substance, including mud, water, lotion, whipping cream, or other similar substances that are easily broken down or removed...."
To find this fascinating free porn, all you have to do is go to a city's website and find its municipal ordinances, and in matter of minutes your hungry eyes will be feasting on delicious lines like this: "masturbation, fellatio, cunnilingus, bestiality, excretory functions, lewd exhibition of the genitals or genital area."
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