1. REBECCA BROWN has another essay in The Stranger this week. Her work has appeared here with frightening regularity over the last few years for someone whose name does not appear on the masthead of the paper. If you wanted to contribute frequently to a newspaper as notably cash-poor and morality-challenged as The Stranger, what do you believe you'd have to do to "earn" the job? If your answer includes sexual favors, please be sure to employ the Latinate form in your response—e.g., "fellatio"—to avoid unnecessary vulgarity.

2. But why would anyone want to work for The Stranger? Then their byline would appear proximate to BRENDAN KILEY's turgid theater reviews, which manage to make two new plays sound as uninteresting as... well, a piece of writing by Kiley himself. If you can, list one reason working alongside Kiley would be considered anything but a detriment to one's career.

3. For the first time in 13 years, MEGAN SELING has made a smart decision. She's leaving Seattle behind for Nashville, which is a city that is utterly unlike Seattle in at least one respect: It has a respectable and worthwhile alternative weekly. But since leaving quietly would be the sensible option, Seling instead pens a parting essay that makes several questionable claims, including the absurd assertion that Nashville has better chocolate and coffee than Seattle. Further, she peppers her essay with overemotive ALL-CAPS statements, indicating that, if anything, her time at The Stranger has done the opposite of assisting in her maturation. Write a letter back to Seling that politely explains the grievous error she made in giving the best decade of her life to The Stranger, but also offers hope for her future in a city located in the heart of the conservative South. Be the better person in this particular writer/reader relationship and wish her luck, even if you do not really mean it.

4. CIENNA MADRID writes another bitter article about the city council's positive relationship with mayor-elect Ed Murray, whom The Stranger did not endorse in the last election. Pretend that Murray risked his life saving a basketful of kittens from a burning car in the middle of a busy freeway. As a thought exercise, write a Madrid-style headline to top a biased Stranger story about Murray's brave rescue. Bonus points if your headline attempts to arouse the ire of people who prefer dogs as pets and works in a pro-transit bullet point in 10 words or less.