Previously in New Column!

If there's one thing I enjoy eating, it's bologna. Ever since I was a little girl, two pieces of white bread placed around a good slice of bologna meant a little piece of heaven. Now that I'm an Academy Award©-nominated international movie star, bologna has lost none of its allure. Did you know there's even a city named Bologna in Italy's Pedemontana Apennine region? I'm trying to get Warren, who is also a fan of bologna, to take me there for a second honeymoon. Oh, God, why am I saying this? My name doesn't even come close to rhyming with "bologna." Obviously these assholes have run out of ideas for their stupid "rhyming name" columns. "Rambling Filler with Leslie Miller"? Oh, brilliant. "Wax Your Back with Fleetwood Mac"? Pure genius. Humiliate yourselves with your idiocy all you want, but leave me out of it, fuckers.

P.S. I do not even like bologna.

TWO WEEKS AGO, The Stranger announced a contest to Win a Date with Shawna Tate, the 17-year-old, hard-rocking, party-loving niece of Stranger publisher Tim Keck, who was featured on the cover of The Stranger's Back to School issue. Since then, responses have been literally pouring in from hot 'n' horny guys throughout the Northwest, who sent everything from love-drenched poems and sexy Polaroids to boxes of chocolate and sensitive mix tapes to vie for the attentions of the luscious Ms. Tate. Selecting a winner wasn't easy--but as soon as we laid eyes on the beautifully forthright and soul-searching letter penned by one Daniel Peabody (included here precisely as it was sent to us), we knew we'd found "the one"! Daniel: Should Shawna ever make it to Seattle, we will certainly get in touch with you. Everybody else: Take a lesson in scoring a hottie from Daniel Peabody!

Dear Shawna,

My name is Daniel Peabody and I think that you are supper swell. When I saw your picture on the cover of The Stranger a realy weird, ooowwy, gooy feeling started to cover my intire body and I fell to the ground in an epilepic seizure. I am epileptic but I think this was different. I think that this was love. My doctor says that the experiemental brain surgery will make it so that I can walk and talk with out looking so funny but I'm real scared and wated to spen what could be my last night with some one special.

I thought that it might be nice to go Bumper Bowling and then go back to my place where I could prepare a romantic candlelit dinner for just us two. My mother says thta she could go spend the night with her sister in Auburn so that we could have some "Privacy."

My older brother Rupert says that you looked easy but I think that your the sweetest thing ever and figured I might as well give it a shot. My surgery is on the 23 of next month, so I hope that you can make it out from Michigan by then. Thanks a bunch and I hope to be hearing from you soon.

Yours Truely,

Daniel Peabody

As most of you know, my short, troubled life was a whirlwind of activity. What with the child stardom, substance abuse, armed robbery, and suicide attempts, I hardly had a moment to collect my thoughts! But here in the afterlife, I've got an eternity to mull over all those things my busy life on earth forced me to ignore, such as the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. In case you don't know, NATO is an international organization founded in 1949, whose members have pledged to settle disputes among themselves peacefully and defend one another against outside aggressors, which I think is just great. On Diff'rent Strokes, we always worked to settle our disputes peacefully, which wasn't always easy! It's hard to stay civil when one of your co-stars is making three times your salary just because he's a midget with a liver disease and a catch phrase. But we managed, and whenever trouble arose--when "the Gooch" stole Arnold's lunch money, or that fucking Webster tried to steal our thunder--we all pulled together and triumphed as a team!

NATO--you're great-o!