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Stupid, Stupid strikers

by Frank Blethen, special to The Stranger

AS YOU'RE PROBABLY AWARE, members of the Pacific Northwest Newspaper Guild went out on strike against the Seattle Times Company last week.

The Seattle Times Company is owned by me, Frank Blethen, and while I don't actually spend much time at the office, my official title is "Publisher, Seattle Times." It's right here on my business card. Anyway, I don't actually do all that much, but I dropped by the office this year to make sure we endorsed George W. Bush, who promised to repeal the estate tax, something near and dear to my heart. I'm a rich guy; I'm getting up there in years; and I want to leave my paper to my kids, not Uncle Fucking Sam.

Anyway, we've made what we consider a fair offer to the members of the Pacific Northwest Newspaper Guild, something like a three-buck-an-hour raise phased in over six years. Or was it 10? Anyway, they said no, and as far as I'm concerned, they can walk that picket line until they forget how to type. They want more money, I'm told. Oh, really? They go on strike and want more money right after we run a series of stories called "New Money: How Prosperity Is Changing Life Here"? Is this some sort of goddamn coincidence? I don't think so, and I'm dog-shooting mad about this. The editor who assigned the "New Money" series? Shot. Fired him. And he was management, which means I was able to fire his ass without giving anyone a reason. I hope his family starves.

So we've made our offer. The union can take it or leave it. I mean, what do I care? The Post-Intelligencer, owned by those patsies at Hearst, is on life-support. The only thing that's gonna be "in the P-I" soon is its own obit. Ha! And then this will be a one-newspaper town--my newspaper!--and those shits on the picket line will come crawling back to me, begging for their old jobs back. And they'll get them, too, at substantial pay CUTS. You, too, Godden. Gonna cut your pay and assign you the sewer-commission beat. Wait and see.

Sincerely,

Frank Blethen

Publisher, Seattle Times

Previously in New Column!

LOOK AT THIS MAYOR. What a stupid mayor. Have you heard the latest thing our stupid, stupid mayor has done? In preparation for the one-year anniversary of last year's severely mishandled WTO protests, the mayor's office has issued a formal announcement that there will be a heavy police presence at the November 30 WTO anniversary demonstrations--and that these police will be even bolder, less tolerant, and more prepared than last year's club-happy thugs! A week ago, we weren't even thinking of attending these anniversary demonstrations. But following our mayor's stupid, stupid pronouncement--which all but ensures that November 30 will be a balls-out bloodbath--we wouldn't miss it for the world! So come on out to Westlake Center on November 30 for a brick-tossing, Gap-smashing, tear gas-wheezing good time--all thanks to our lunkheaded, blabbermouth mayor! Look at him. Look at our mayor. Stupid, stupid mayor.

From the Nov 23 - Nov 29, 2000 issue

LOOK AT THIS STATE. What a stupid state. Who would ever want to live in such a stupid state? Ever since its peninsula was discovered by Ponce de León in 1513, this stupid state has produced nothing but stupidity, from Anita Bryant to Elian Gonzalez to oceans of stupid orange juice. Their state bird is the mockingbird, which is stupid. Their state tree is the Sabal palmetto palm, which is also stupid. Every one of this stupid state's 9,746,421 residents is stupid. Look at this state. What a stupid state. Stupid, stupid Florida.

From the Nov 16 - Nov 22, 2000 issue

If there's one thing I enjoy eating, it's bologna. Ever since I was a little girl, two pieces of white bread placed around a good slice of bologna meant a little piece of heaven. Now that I'm an Academy Award©-nominated international movie star, bologna has lost none of its allure. Did you know there's even a city named Bologna in Italy's Pedemontana Apennine region? I'm trying to get Warren, who is also a fan of bologna, to take me there for a second honeymoon. Oh, God, why am I saying this? My name doesn't even come close to rhyming with "bologna." Obviously these assholes have run out of ideas for their stupid "rhyming name" columns. "Rambling Filler with Leslie Miller"? Oh, brilliant. "Wax Your Back with Fleetwood Mac"? Pure genius. Humiliate yourselves with your idiocy all you want, but leave me out of it, fuckers.

P.S. I do not even like bologna.