NEWS First up: The Monorail implosion continues, and ever-reliable ERICA C. BARNETT—who has yet to meet a monorail article she didn't love—has an update. Then: When he's not encouraging promiscuous sex and/or steering alternative newspapers into icebergs, Stranger editor Dan Savage spends his time barking about the evils of smoking. So rabid is he that it's no surprise the paper's latest cause with which to bludgeon is the proposed smoking ban in bars and clubs. What is a surprise: the reporting of ELI SANDERS, which exposes a major flaw in the proposal, and which comes across as surprisingly clear-eyed (for this paper, anyway, which isn't saying much, sadly). And finally: a limp-wristed liberal conspiracy theory about Karl Rove!

FEATURE Long & Hard Last week featured the "progressive" windbaggery of Ted Rall on Iraq. This week, by way of counterpoint, reactionary gay Catholic ANDREW SULLIVAN bloviates—er, offers his "insights"—on the conflict. Put on your jammies, kids. It's naptime!

GENERAL OBSERVATIONS A note to the readers: Last week, due to a colossal error in judgment, I used this space for a personal communication with a dear friend. It was a decision I regret. I'm a bad ombudsman. A very bad, very naughty, very dirty ombudsman and I deserve to be punished, severely, in public. I will not abuse my position, nor embarrass anyone by using her name in print ever again. I promise. I swear.