The Different Kinds of People That There Are
A Complete List
Top left: Kelly O / others: Mike Wilkes
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People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of "Hobo"
Am I making this up? I feel like every time someone uses the word "hobo" to mean "homeless person," somebody else has to climb waaay up on their high horse and don their semantics cap and start getting highfalutin all over town about how "a hobo is someone who rides the rails in the Great Depression, and is it 1934 right now? I don't think so! And I can't believe you don't even know what words mean. How embarrassing. Have you heard of Wikipedia? Hhhhhhhhhhhhh." Maybe I'm making all of this up, but if I'm not, I'd just like to say that I'm aware of what year it is, and I am going to continue using the word "hobo" however I please (within reasonable homeless- related limits, of course), thank you very much, and the way in which I please to use it is, "No thank you, hobo, I do not wish to go on a date with you." Also I will accept "transient."
Stranger Personals
People Who Are Mean to Hoboes
Lay off, man. Being homeless is terrible. Give the dude a dollar. (I'm still not going on a date with you, hobo.)
People Who Still Have Jobs
As bad as things are right now, this is still most people. Like, 93 percent of people. People with jobs are great, except for the few who talk shit to people without jobs (things like "Hey, get a job!" or "Where's your job?"). In such instances, these people need to be reminded that they, too, possess jobs vulnerable to layoffs and should probably shut the fuck up.
People Who Are Quietly Less Than $100 Away from Complete Destitution
You have to hope it's going to be okay. This recession can't go on forever.
People Who Secretly Have Vast Family Fortunes/Trust Funds to Keep Them from Ever Knowing Complete Destitution, or Even Mild Hardship
Just do something interesting with it. You already won. Don't be a douche.
People Who Care About "Tweet" Being the Verb Form of "Twitter" and Have Opinions About Its Usage
This includes people who think you should say "tweet" when you talk about the activity associated with Twitter and people who think you should just use the word "Twitter." These opinions are equally uninteresting. If you must use the Twitter, or not use the Twitter, just do it (or don't). Let's not bring grammar and logic and giving a shit into this.
People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns
These people (and they are numerous) are attempting to cultivate a cute quirk, but they are really just aping a cute quirk cultivated by thousands of cute-quirk-cultivators before them in a giant, gross, boring feedback loop. Yes, clowns can be mildly creepy. But come on. Among the many things that are scarier than clowns: fire, earthquakes, a guy with a knife, riding the bus, colon cancer, falling down the stairs (it could happen at any time!), rapists, people who just kind of look a little rapey and are standing too close to you in line at 7-Eleven, Marlo from The Wire, influenza, and scissors.
People Who Don't Watch TV
Symbolically not doing something for the sake of not doing it is almost never evidence of sophistication. It is evidence of not knowing what you're fucking talking about. Are we really still having this conversation? Television is a part of the cultural landscape at this point—a lot of it is good. A lot of it is bad, some of which is also good. You know, LIKE ALL THINGS MADE BY HUMANS? Obviously it is also a good idea to go outside once in a while. But the presence of a television in your home does not make that decision for you. You make it. Feel free to still go outside at any time.
People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You're Having
Please, please, please just order your own lasagna.
People Who Studied Abroad in a Third-World Country
Congratulations.
People Who Are into Whimsy
You can't really be mad at people who send away for porcelain figurines of poodles wearing poodle skirts that they saw in the back of PARADE, or who enjoy movies in which impish children attempt to call grandma in heaven on the CB radio. That'd be like punching Helen Keller in the face. These people just want to be left alone with their extremely lifelike baby replicas—small false humans filled with pretend love, that can be asphyxiated with attention and never poop, cry, or grow up to make fun of anyone's stretch pants and doily collection. Forever-babies. (Note: Sometimes people who are into whimsy vote against things like gay marriage. In which case, fuck 'em.)
People Who Complain About the Printed Seattle P-I Going Under Even Though They Never, Ever Used to Read the Seattle P-I
You know what? That's called "heart in the right place." Don't even sweat it.
People Who Are White Who Call Black People "Brothas" When Talking to Other White People, as in, "A Lot of My Friends Are Brothas"
These embarrassing people have lots of black friends and are very comfortable around black people. They also aren't weirded out about being at the gay bar because their ex-girlfriend was bisexual.
People Who Are Old
Notable old people include: Methuselah, George Burns, Andy Rooney, an elephant, Dick Van Dyke, Slade Gorton the senator, Father Time, Slade Gorton the Gorton's fisherman, Chinese people (they kick white people's asses at not dying), John McCain's mom, the old lady who dropped it into the ocean at the end, Harrison Ford.
Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends
Listen, old people. Pigeons do not love you. Much like robots and the British, pigeons do not have the capacity to feel love. They only have the capacity to desire croutons. And when you spread infinity croutons across the grass outside MY house, for the purpose of making pigeons love you (WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN), the only result is infinite feces. I now have to walk upon feces-encrusted streets through a feces-encrusted world. Because of you and your delusions of pigeon love. Stop it.
Babies
The opposite of old people. They are like you and me, except smaller, more illiterate, and with less money.
People Who Are Secret Hookers
They're your friends, but they're hookers! Ssssh!
Recession Hookers
No judging. Sometimes these things happen. There but for the grace of writing a bunch of bullshit in the newspaper go I.
People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice
You probably want to hate these people, but why bother? They are absolutely wonderful, and all we can do is deal with it and hope to be charming enough that they will some day mate with us so that our children can absorb some of their impossible magic.
People Who Are Hot Greek Waiters
Once, my sister and I were in a restaurant in Greece, having a fight, and the hot waiter (all waiters in Greece are hot) took one look at our bleak, tear-puffed faces and said, "Ouzo power." He brought us two little glasses of cold, cloudy ouzo, and the ouzo cured our fight.
People Who Smile at You on the Street
It's always nice when any noncreepy stranger smiles at you. There is not enough interstranger smiling going on these days. I also appreciate it when people working in customer service behave in a genuinely nice manner. Thank you. Please enjoy this large tip for your wonderful smile.
People Who Don't Know How to Drink
Sometimes a person forgets to eat dinner, or sometimes they just didn't have time or money, and then they end up at the bar and the only snacks available are Rainier tallboys. And yes, sure, sometimes they grab your beard and tell you, "You are drinking the most successful sausage," even though that's barely even English, and then they lose their keys and have to sleep on your floor, where they wake up utterly bewildered and have to walk back to Capitol Hill and drink a Big Gulp of Sprite for breakfast on a Thursday. Be kind to these people. They mean well.
People Who Are Only Interesting When They're Drunk
This one is a bummer, but it's so much less depressing than its half brother, which is People Who Are Just Boring All the Time.
People Who Believe in Sasquatch
What's that? You couldn't afford your bunion surgery because you spent all your money on Sasquatch detectors? And now your bunion hurts? Bummer. A few years ago, a friend of mine told me that he'd discovered the secret to finding Sasquatch (he's a believer because once, in an Idaho forest, he "heard things" that he "couldn't explain") and called some cryptozoological society to announce his epiphany: "Just find out what it eats, and then go to where that is." He and I, we are not friends anymore.
People Who Don't Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics
Seriously? Either you believe in science or you don't. If you want to say sentences to me like "God made the earth 29 years ago out of Billy Graham's stool" or "Every time you take the morning-after pill, Satan has two orgasms," then go ahead and stay away from Dr. Syringey O'Medicine, MD, from here on out. Because you know that pill that made your strep throat go away? Science invented that. For you. Hey, why don't you just pray for God to take care of that root canal? I'll tell you why: Because God didn't go to dental school, because dental schools don't admit people who DON'T EXIST.
Wizards
Assholes with beards who do magic. In modern times, wizards look just like normal people, because they've learned to wear tracksuits and tuxedos over their robes. This means that wizards could be anywhere. Can you trust the people you work with not to be wizards?
Russians
Citizens of Russia. The sworn enemies of wizards.
Russian Wizards
Don't be ridiculous.
People Who Let Their Cat Walk Across Their Kitchen Cutting-Board, Even Though Those Are the Same Fucking Paws That Have Been Tramping Around That Shit-Filled Cat Box and I Don't See a Kitty Foot-Washing Station Around Here, Do You?
Well? Do you? ANSWER THE QUESTION.
People Who Don't Know How to Navigate a Four-Way Stop or an Uncontrolled Intersection
Can a lady get a wave, please? Just a courtesy wave. That's all I ask. These people are under the impression that rules do not apply to them. They do not have to wait their turn because they are special. They are probably the worst people on this entire list, and that includes wizards.
Animals That Are Really People Who Got Transformed by a Witch
These are people who got on the wrong side of a witch. Now they are turkeys and iguanas or some shit, and all they can do is cry (except not really, because emotional tears are a physiological phenomenon unique to humans and possibly camels). Don't loan these people money, because they obviously have bad judgment.
People Who Are Just a Down-to-Earth Guy, Who Enjoys the Little Things in Life Like Going for Walks, Lifting Weights, or Just Doing Whatever (LOL), Whose Friends Would Probably Describe Him as Honest, Truthful, Loyal, Affectionate, Compassionate, and Romanceful, and Is Looking for a Woman Who Is That Rare Combination of Stunning on the Outside and Beautiful on the Inside, and Most Importantly Down to Earth, Enjoys the Little Things in Life, Loves Children, Animals, Has a Passion, Laughter. I Especially Like Asians.
Can we just skip to the part where you gun down everyone in the Taco Bell?
People Who Try to Pretend Like They Already Knew the Story About Jimmy Stewart Smuggling a Yeti Hand out of Nepal in His Wife's Underpants
I do not believe you, unless your name is Jimmy Stewart's Wife's Vagina. And I'm pretty sure Jimmy Stewart's Wife's Vagina doesn't know how to read. So...
People Who Sit at Their Day Jobs All Day Anonymously Posting the Meanest Things They Can Think of in the Comments Sections on Blogs
These people are just mad because they all have herpes of the eyeball. And diarrhea of the heart. But just to save them some time: I am fat; I am a hipster; I am an idiot; this is the most boring, self-indulgent article ever written; I hate everything because I work for The Stranger, and if I ever say anything nice about anything I will be fired immediately because this is the policy; I should be fired right now; why don't I just go write in my LiveJournal; Dear LiveJournal, I am sooo cunty and fat; I am a "hiptard" who thinks that everything not on Capitol Hill is like that space desert in Beetlejuice with the giant sand worms, and I don't want to go there because I can't ride my fixie on the space dunes (and also I don't want to be devoured); anyway, I probably haven't even seen Beetlejuice because I'm too busy FIRING MYSELF FOR BEING FAT; Dan Savage supported the Iraq war; and something about pit bulls.
People Who Are Bill Paxton
I really enjoyed your work in Twister.
People Who Miss the Point
(See also: People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of "Hobo," People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns, People Who Don't Watch TV, People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You're Having, Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends, People Who Don't Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics, People Who Are Bill Paxton, and Babies.)
People Who Don't Miss the Point
I love you. 
Find Lindy West every day on Slog, The Stranger's big, beautiful blog.
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This is the greatest Stranger article of 2009! Sorry, other Stranger writers. Even though it's only April 1 you've already lost.
Lindy, can I bear your children?
Sincerely,
Evil Clown Recession Hooker
i was a mass communications major in college..obviously tv had to be a major part of my life. doesn't make me a moron. just like listening to npr doesn't make you smart.
Seriously, if you're going to have comments, why complain about what is posted? And if you don't want anonymous posting, why not use Gravitar?
The Stranger!
Thanks
p.s.- for the all the bs i know is coming blah blah blah yeah some Christians discrimate, some hatemonger, some are hypocrites. Isn't some of everyone?
there are some people who don't watch tv because...they just don't. not because they are "symbolically" trying to make a statement.
in the last ten years, i've owned a tv for only one year. this is because i just like doing other things, is because i'm busy, is because i'm cheap, and is because i don't like the space it takes up and so on and so on.
it's not symbolism.
where's the section in the article about People Who Blather On About The Most Important TV Show EVAR ...and Then Can't Deal...OMG You Haven't SEEN That? You've NEVAR Seen Lost or Battlestar Galactica or 24 or Project Runway blah blah blah...
My only complaint -- and it's a wee one -- is that all of the pictures are of basically The Same Kinds of People, except maybe for the Smoking Man, but the others could easily become him eventually.
Oh, here's the best part. This is you: "Hi, I'm Lindy West. Here's some people who I like and don't like. Don't bother with the fact that I'm kind of being a bitch by doing this, and the fact that to me, difference of opinion is a nice way of saying that they're beneath me. Really, try to focus on the jokes. Hey, look, here's a joke about a wizard, please try to pay attention to that instead!"
God, shut the fuck UP now and then, please? Every time I turn around there's another Lindy West story that I half-like and half-hate her guts for.
This particular article is one of her most revealing. It's like Lindy West soup: A joke now and then sprinkled on top of rich, chunky self-righteousness and a healthy dose of condescension. How's it feel up on your pedestal? Does it feel good? I bet it does. Go get herpes.
That line made my day. Thank you.
Also it keeps people from telling me 'oh you need to watch this one show that everyone else is watching' when I'm just like 'meh, do you want to just get lunch and talk about kittens or something? Some coffee? No?' because I don't want to disappoint anyone so I just pretend I am part of the weird anti-TV movement when really I just don't want to commit to getting into a series, because I am afraid of everything.
But seriously. Getting lunch and talking about kittens. It's the next market trend, I can feel it.
It's true. Why?
"Symbolically not doing something for the sake of not doing it is almost never evidence of sophistication. It is evidence of not knowing what you're fucking talking about."
I'm mentally sending you all the Ranier (and breakfast Sprite) you can handle.
Fools go drink the haterade, she is funny.
She is damn funny.
I *heart* LW.
A+ piece. Also, I love you too. But please tell Paul Constant that I love him more.
Nothing personal or anything. He's just more my type.
Love, Jocelyn.
My fav part is about the cats walking across the cutting board with their shitty paws.
You delight me!!!!
You won my heart months ago with "Type 1 Fly-abetes!"
This whole article just confirms it: You're my favorite.
-n
Is this really new stuff to all you folks? It seemed pretty "meh" to me.
Sorry Lindy.
Is my favorite line ever. Thanks for making Thursday a little better!
...for at least another 2 months.
It killed me..you maam are a funny fuck.
I can't say I don't watch TV because I'm addicted to The Office. And I'm not afraid of clowns, I just don't think they're funny. Lots of people climbing out of a SmartCar, throwing a bucket of confetti into the audience, spritzing other clowns with a seltzer bottle, it's been done. And the clown in It, of course, really wasn't a clown...
(after Sean Nelson)
After 10 years of being a Stranger reader, I thought I'd seen it all. Many a time I wanted to never read the Stranger again ( but what else is there to do in this shithole town!) Then suddenly, this thing you wrote...I liked it! I laughed! I never liked anything you ever wrote before, so I must congratulate you. Is it the fear of layoffs? That sure brings out the best in me. If not, did you have a brush with death? Why are you suddenly entertaining? Although I can't say I "agree" with it all, this was really well done. Whatever happened, please keep it up! And thank you for becoming yourself, and please share the drugs you are on, or whatever. You know you are lucky to write for the Stranger, now you can rest assured you actually deserve it too! No, I really am impressed, even tho' this must seem sarcastic, I am the most bitter, cynical, mean old bitch ever to read this thing (don't believe me? start a contest!) and you have won me over! Thanks!
-Ilira Walker
For a man whyo works hard for his money, every dollar he owns is rightfully his and no other man should ever possess the right to force another to give him money.
I give money hoboes, but only if i understand that they honestly don't possess the power to get a job and work for themselves.
My money is my money, noone but me has the right to it unless i decide so.
I'm an atheist (small-a type, i.e., independent of any non-belief system/organization) who doesn't believe in Evolution and who never will. Evolution (and science in general) is not a belief system. Science is about evidence, observation, proof and disproof. Religion is not provable, and more importantly, it is not disprovable—hence, it demands belief; no questions allowed—no progress of—or, I suppose, no evolution of thought. So please don't refer to Evolution as something to believe in. Belief in science/scientific principle is antithetical. I accept Evolution as a great theory for all life because it makes sense, is rational, and is made evident by repetition of patterns throughout nature. "Belief" is a very poor choice of word.
one day i discovered you in the film section. before that, i'd only come to this website to read dan. now i sometimes read you before dan. i love your sensibility, sensitivity, snarkiness, wit, the whole contradictory lot of it. don't worry about all the haters man. let them drown in their own misery-- don't take it upon you. and if you ever need a place to stay in SF, mi casa es su casa (not meant creepily -- just friendlyly).
Hobos smoke cigar butts and hop rails. Transients do not, but have been known to steal bikes and crash them into polls.
Calista Flockhart.
The Seattle PI went out of business as a noble sacrifice for our need of a charming, bitter sweet story, according to Jean Enerson.
Re: Jean Enerson.
You forgot to mention Rush Limbaugh is a sow. Always mention that.
one of the more humorous things I have ever read in the stranger. oh seattle.
signed,
hopefully a 'People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice', (but more likely a 'People Who Are Only Interesting When They're Drunk')
Thanks for making my totally shit-filled day just that much better.
Can we try something better please?
Just sayin'.
Classic.
I like you're writing. You're funny. Though do you ever wonder about readers who don't hate, and who don't write mean things to you? Doesn't representing the relentless refractions of (self-) perception get tiresome?
Just as ridiculous are all of these people commenting about how "great" it was.
You are all sheep.
Or, for that matter, people that like to pretened that Science has all the answers.
Guess what??! If scientsist knew everything and were never wrong, there wouldn't be anymore scientists...
ps. elephants cry.
1. One who wanders from place to place without a permanent home or a means of livelihood.
2. A migrant worker.
so a hobo is some one without a home that travels from town to town for work.
Oh, and everyone who likes the Beatles, puppies, Stephen Colbert, pizza, Van Gogh, etc. is a SHEEP!
C'mon, people, there are some things that are so objectively good that everybody likes them. Liking something popular does not automatically make you a sheep.
Thank God and Goddess that my cat's too old and plump to jump up on the counter!
But I do keep him and my apartment clean.
p.s. I love you, three.
I WISH DERE WERE MORE PEEPS, AND THAT OLD DUDE IZ SOOO BORED. HE'S LIKE "WTF BITCHEZ, WHY DONT U TOKE OR DO FUN SHIT?" AND THEY R ALL LIK "FUK U DAWG, WE IZ HELLA COUNTERCULTURE. HUH HUH, THAT SHOULD BE THE NAME OF A BECKETT PLAY, HUH HUH."
More seriously, this actually isn't too much of a contradiction. Since it unfortunately describes most people in America, it's how we end up with things like MRSA.
Also, what's with these people who comment just to say how shit they think something is? Surely they are some of the most miserable cunts on the planet.
And: People who state that a higher power cannot exist as though it is a fact WHILE calling people close-minded who don't believe in aliens.
C'mon people, laugh and get over yourselves; you know this is true.
I felt as if I was watching a History Channel or Animal Planet documentary in print.
Bravo Lindy West, bravo.
"The best thing on the internet."
Jesus.
You may want to add to the list the people that pronounce "supposedly" as "supposably."
People who are Librarians
People Who Get Tribal Tattoos and Have Never Been in a Tribe
People Who Dye their Pets' Hair
[fantastic article, by the way. absolutely in love.]
Otherwise, right on, sistah!
Just kidding!
Seriously tho- best ever! And I read A LOT!
I think may have missed the point...oh, drear. Better look into getting that Eeyore tattoo. Great work, Miss West. You are funny and talented.
- Janina, Seattle, 26
This has been my favorite frustration for a long time. Thanks you for making it so funny when it is actually really, REALLY scary. See Religulous if you haven't already.
Once you add in the 90% of the population that does not know the difference between you're and your, you will also have to add the estimated percentage that wish grammer nazis would go off to a corner somewhere and touch themselves while reading Webster's and leave the rest of us alone.
I'm not sure if this places me in the "People Who Sit at Their Day Jobs All Day Anonymously Posting the Meanest Things They Can Think of in the Comments Sections on Blogs" category, but thats not what I'm shooting for. I would much rather be a wizard.
Lindy, the article just gets better every time I read it, I love it!
Um, you totally rock and I wish I was as funny as you are.
I swear, order your own damn dessert! No, you can't have some of mine. And no, that doesn't make me a selfish bitch, not if I'm paying for my own meal.
- Person who Complains About the Printed Seattle P-I Going Under Even Though They Never, Ever Used to Read the Seattle P-I
This has nothing to do with whimsy. These people are sociopaths, and the people that turn clowns bad.
theyre probably the kind of people who would point out something they didnt like if I brought them a surprise breakfast to work.
Love the "people who don't believe in evolution" one!
@Brynmorgan
People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns
I've met a girl who was ACTUALLY afraid of clowns. She ended up in a ball, crying and rocking, begging the clown not to get nearer. The poor clown didn't know what to do.
seriously wtf does that even mean, kittens are cute but they shit too, and have you ever seen kittens in the wild... their wild, and shitty looking.
I shall not be fooled again!
People like Lindy
"Blind leaders of the Blind" - Jesus
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