COMEBACK! HELL-O-WEEN EXTRAVAGANZA

I invented the Halloween party. NO CONTRADICTIONS! I repeat: I INVENTED THE DAMN HALLOWEEN PARTY. I was 5 years old, I was playing with my stretch monster on my grandmother's porch (teehee!), and it struck me: Hey! I'll invite my friends and we'll wear our costumes and I'll decorate the house all spooky and we'll eat spooky Halloween crap and play spooky Halloween games and do other spooky Halloween junk like that! And so it came to pass. Genius? I realize this. And the whole Halloween party thing has been a gay institution ever since. (Strangely, I don't get royalties. Injustice! I am the 99 percent!) So of course, we have plenty, plenty (way too plenty?) to choose from this Halloween weekend. Let's focus on the ones most likely to get you laid. (You're so welcome.) We begin with the traditional Comeback! Hell-o-ween Extravaganza: Hot guys in sly costumes, practically a masked orgy on the dance floor—this shit happens every year. DJ Porq and Colby B presiding. Chop Suey, 9 pm, $5, 21+.

HEROES & VILLAINS

This is the party that "Phoenix Jones" fool would show up to—you know, if he were a big homo and all. DJ Up-Above is spinning, and it's free if you're in hero and/or villain garb—the sexier the better. The Eagle, 9 pm, free in costume/$5 otherwise, 21+.

HALLOWEEN SMASH

Nark Magazine's magnificently spooky Halloween extravaganza features a costume contest hosted by the inimitable Jackie Hell (official Queen of Halloween), DJs Nark and Amoania, and Lisa Dank, who will be dressed as a vicious hound-napper. Har har. (Forgive me.) Havana, 9 pm, $7/$10, 21+.

GRIND

The Bump, as you know damn good and well, is the big "establishment" Halloween gig thrown to benefit Gay City. It's in its 10-millionth year. But I prefer to ignore it and its bigness utterly and attend the official afterparty instead—it runs late, it's cheaper, and the guys are still sluts. It's called Grind, and it's the latest-running party of the night, which maximizes chances of Halloween laidness. Baltic Room, 1:30–5 am, $10, 21+.

COLLIDE-O-SCOPE HALLOWEEN

Okay, tuck that suffering Halloweeny back in your pants; tonight we are going to celebrate, with (relatively) less drunken sexual mania, at Collide-O-Scope's Halloween Spooktacular—a night of "chills, thrills, and laughs galore." But let's not forget the most important favor here: FREE BACON POPCORN! (Mmm. Halloweeny.) Central Cinema, 7 pm, $6, 21+.