austin young
WEDNESDAY 12/7

JACKIE BEAT: 'THE NUTCRACKER'

Hellomosexuals! Welcome to the "It's Getting Way Too Fucking Xmessy Out There to Ignore Anymore, Really" edition of the Homosexual Agenda. Now! It is crucial to understand that at "this time of year" it is simply in the nature of drag queens to dress up as tranny Christmas trees and superimpose really dirty lyrics onto venerable carols, and there's just no sense in making a big fuss about it. Therefore, were you to imagine that the famous NYC drag performer Jackie Beat's "Nutcracker" has anything whatsoever to do with a bunch of fruity rats doing grand pliés, I'd be forced to conclude that you're just a silly goose, that's what. Tonight's event is her "mission to poison every sacred belief and holiday tradition," and she does this with spectacle, dark mirth, and reworked favorites like "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Syphilis." So! Fuck those stupid ballet rats and usher in some sick and snarky holiday hilarity with Jackie Beat, instead. That's what I say. Re-bar, 8 pm, $15 adv/$20 DOS, 21+.

THURSDAY 12/8

POP PRINCESS SING-ALONG

Tonight, Central Cinema's Jason Miller hosts this handpicked pop-star pageant of video sing-alongness, featuring more than 15 videos that have never been seen at Central Cinema before! He says, "You can look at it as a dissertation of females in a pop music world and the mark they have left on society... or you can look at it as a chance to watch Janet Jackson videos while eating pizza and drinking beer." You know. Whichever. Central Cinema, 8 pm, $8 adv/$10 DOS, all ages.

FRIDAY 12/9

CINDERELLA

Frankly, dear and darling 'mos, I have exhausted myself explaining over and over (and over!) again how absurdly blow-your-face-off fantastic Sarah Rudinoff and Nick Garrison are, alone and/or in any combination. So! I will just tell you that they are playing the EVIL STEPSISTERS in the new 5th Ave production of Cinderella, let your imagination grapple with that image for a few seconds, and let you just get on with going and drooling love all over them instead, the way the Universe intended. K? 5th Avenue Theatre, 8 pm, $44–$129, all ages.